ups and downs

My dad had to leave for France this morning so my mom and I drove him to the station.  While we were on the car, my dad asked if I wanted to go to the gym with him when he got back (because he had a free ticket) so I told him I was going to meet up with a friend.  And he asked which friend.  "The one who was worrying about her last name?"

Me: Last name?

Dad: Yeah, the only thing that bothered her was that her last name was going to change if she married her boyfriend.

Me: ...

Dad: The boyfriend was a rich artist and...

And I remembered my friend from high school whom I met last year - I think it was in January; just before or after I broke up with the ex.

At that time, she was studying art in New York and had come home temporarily during winter break.  She had done an internship at an office of a famous interior designer and had been asked to work with him after graduation.  She had broken up with the boyfriend she had been dating in high school (she used to show me things like lubes when I didn't even know much about sex) and was dating a guy she met at college.

He was an extremely talented painter; politicians and CEOs paid unbelievable amount of money to buy his works.  "Did you see my profile picture on Facebook?  He painted that."  In fact, she modeled a lot for him, and buyers asked him to introduce her to them at glamorous parties.  Her boyfriend was her soul mate, her best friend, someone she could never live without; she was so lucky to have him.  The only thing that had been bothering her was that she was going to have to change her last name when she got married - she didn't like her boyfriend's last name for a reason I forget.  She was also worried about whether she was going to have a daughter or a son.  She wanted a daughter who could model for her husband.  "I want a cute little girl."

She made me feel like the ugliest living being on earth.  She was happy with a bright career, a caring talented boyfriend, and didn't have to worry about money (she was from a rich family in the first place),  while I, on the other hand, had nothing but a dream to become a doctor.  I felt guilty that I was making my parents work to support my "dream" and I didn't even know if I could ever get into med school.  I felt awfully left behind, and when I honestly said so, she said she understood.

Really?  I don't think so.  I wanted to be happy for her; I wanted to stop comparing and just be happy for this happy friend but I couldn't do anything about my ugly feelings.

When we said bye, she said she would contact me when she came back for good, so I said don't.  "I'm going to be miserable if my life's still not on track, so can you just leave me alone until I contact you?"

I still haven't contacted her, though I guess my life is partly on track now.

Either way, I was still talking with my mom on our way back from the station, and she told me about this "bragging party" she attended recently.  It's a get-together thing between a group of people (mostly women) teaching Japanese to foreigners, and it's held every three months or so.  People gather and brag about what they've been up to but it's supposed to be fun because everyone is eager to know what others are doing.

My mom hadn't attended the party in a long time because she had been busy taking care of her mother and worrying about me.  Some people asked what she had been doing other than taking care of her mother, and she didn't have anything to tell.  There was an atmosphere that made her feel shameful that she hadn't accomplished anything over the past few years.

She actually went to the party to meet just one friend, but she told me about how another former colleague (who has mistaken herself as my mom's friend) kept bugging her once she told them she was picking up French again.  My mom hated how the colleague acted like she understood what it was like to have to take care of her mother and to have a daughter go away to another prefecture, while she kept bragging about how she had started learning Korean after her own mother had passed away and how her own daughter was working in a prestigious company.  "She was transferred to a branch in Nagoya.  She only knew Tokyo so she's having a rough time.  I went over the other day to buy her a new car..."

My mom soon decided to go home but at the same time, she remembered how she had acted last time she went to the bragging party.  She had lost weight from a successful diet, her daughter had just gotten in grad school, and her mother was still doing well with a lot of hobbies.  The colleague on the other hand, was taking care of her mother who had become senile.  They didn't talk much during the party, and soon, the colleague stopped contacting my mom.

All this reminded me of an article about Facebook depression; how people were feeling miserable when they were forced to read happy stories their friends had posted every time they logged in.

Obviously, there are ups and downs in life.  It might be hard to be understanding towards others in either situation, but I thought I should try to see things more objectively either way, because now I sort of see that even what I was worrying at the time when I met my friend would've been nothing for some people -- just like my friend's last name seemed nothing to me.  What seems big to you can be so small if you just try to see it from another perspective.  Something we always say but hardly ever understand, especially during rough times.