being polite

A couple of months ago, I read something written by a foreigner explaining what 建前(tatemae) was.  He said it was like when you ask if you could use the bathroom.  The answer is already there (hopefully) but you ask anyway.  "Tatemae is the same except that you have to multiply the importance by 1000."

I thought it was an interesting explanation but not necessarily acurate.  Tatemae is what you say to cover up your real intentions, so unless you're asking if you could simply use the bathroom when in fact you're planning to set a camera or something, that wouldn't be called tatemae.  It's just being polite.  But then I realized this writer might have mixed up the concept of tatemae with that of 義理(giri) which are both said to be very important in the Japanese culture/society.

In the dictionary, it says:

建前(tatemae)：表向きの方針 (the official policy/intention)、 principle, theory
antonym: 本音(honne)

e.g.1
Tatemae: "Because of the fact that I've made another slip of the tongue lately, I've decided to resign my position as the Prime Minister of Japan.  I'm also getting too old and I'm actually kind of sick."
Honne (truth): "I decided to resign because I don't know what to do with this country anymore and I don't want to take further responsibility."
Yes, Japanese prime ministers do resign with reasons like the tatemae above.

e.g.2
Guy to a girl (or vice versa): "Do you want to come over to my place and watch a movie?" (tatemae)
Well, I wouldn't say this is always 100% tatemae, but based on my own experiences, this is an international modus operandi.  The foreigner above noted that he hated tatemae but I'm sure he has used this at some point in his life.

We should watch a movie.  And by "watch a movie", I mean we should f*ck each other senseless while a movie plays in the background.

e.g.3
"It's not you; it's me."
We all know it was us.

Next:

義理(giri)：①物事の正しい筋道(the right way)、②特に江戸時代以降、人が他に対し、交際上のいろいろな関係から、いやでも努めなければならない行為や物事 (a concept from the Edo period.  Things that you don't necessarily want to do but have to do in order to establish and maintain a good relationship.  Obligation towards others)、duty, debt, obligation

e.g.
義理チョコ(giri-choko=giri chocolate)
This is distributed by women on Valentine's day to male friends, male co-workers, male family members etc. - my dad gets a couple at work every year (in Japan, Valentine's Day = a day when women give chocolates to men.  Men return something - not necessarily chocolate - on "White Day" which is exactly a month later).  I usually give giri-choko to show my gratitude; it's a good opportunity to say thank you.  And I actually enjoy giving them out.

The opposite of giri-choko, by the way, is 本命チョコ(honmei-choko = you're-the-one-I-really-like chocolate) which is what girls give to guys whom they have a crush on; it's usually more expensive than giri-choko and many girls even make handmade ones.  Chocolates given to female friends are called 友チョコ(tomo-choko = friend chocolate).

Both tatemae and giri are said to be "very Japanese" and I agree it is in some (or many) situations, but I think the western culture has a bit of it too.  In the end, you can't always be totally honest to everybody, can you?  The truth can be cruel and hurtful sometimes, and I think the basic idea of tatemae and giri originally comes from consideration towards others.  I personally wouldn't want to hear every single detail my ex didn't like about me.  And who would feel bad receiving a delicious chocolate?