when the time comes

解剖、単位は取れた模様。昨日打ち上げでN先生が、今年は大盤振舞だから楽しみにしててくださいと言っていた通り。

ちなみに最後の先生の言葉：
医学は100点を取る必要はない。60点を目指してがんばれ。
医者がいい人生を送れるか否かは、医者になってからどれだけ勉強するかにかかっている。学生時代の成績は関係ない。自分もテストはいつも6，7割だった。（生徒にはあんなに厳しかったのに…）
これからの人生、ストレスがたまるから、その解消方法を身に着けること。
いつまでも自分は未熟者だという意識を忘れないこと。謙虚でいること。

一次会で帰るつもりだったのに、どういうわけか二次会まで行くことになった。そこで、どう死にたいか、という話題に。

「やっぱりぽっくり行きたいよね」
「うん」
「いや、俺はがんか脳梗塞かって言われたらがんがいいな」
「わたしも。死ぬ準備をする時間がほしい」
「ああ、臓器提供の意思表示とかね」
「え？そういうこと？」
「周りの人に感謝の気持ちとか伝えたいじゃん」
「そっか。じゃあBroccoliは？毎日悔いなく生きてそうだね。いつ死んでもいいって感じじゃない？」
「いや、今日死ぬのはちょっとダメ。洗ってないパンツが洗濯機に2枚ぐらいあるから」
「ええ？おれパンツは気にしないわ」
「あ、でも私ちょっと気になるかも。今日の下着大丈夫かな、とか」
「そんなこと言ったら素っ裸で脳梗塞になるしかないじゃん」
「勝負下着とかね」
「赤いパンツとか」
「Tバックとか」
「俺は今死んでも見られてやましいものは・・・」
「エロビデオぐらい？」
「まあ、そうだね。友達にみられるのはいいけど、親にみられるのは嫌だ」
「大丈夫。おれたちが形見ってことで分けるから」
「ははは。死んだ後に、あいつこんな趣味だったんだって…」
「でも、解剖したら性的興奮の閾値が上がった気がする」
「そう？乳腺科で毎日おばちゃんの胸見てたら胸では興奮しなくなるけど」
「女の子はどうなの？」
「うーん」
「じゃあ、例えば向井理に尿管カテーテル入れないといけないとかってなったらどう？」
「ちょっとドキドキすると思う」
「そうかなあ」
「やっぱ女の子は見慣れてないからドキドキするんじゃない」
「いや、局部がどうとかってわけじゃなくて向井理が来たらうれしい！」

どうしようもない会話だけれど、なんだか医学生になったことを改めて感じさせられる会話だった。入学してまだ4か月。もうずいぶん経つ気がする。追い立てられるようにノルマをこなす日々。今はレポートに追われてひーひー言ってるけれど、去年の今頃を思えば、ずいぶんぜいたくな悩み。もっと感謝の気持ちを持とう。


So after the 打ち上げ (finally done with anatomy!) we went to a bar and at one point, we were talking about how we wanted to die.

I don't want to suffer; I want it to come suddenly and be done.
Me too.
Really?  I'd rather die of cancer than a stroke.
Me too.  I want some time to do some preparing.
Like leaving a note about organ donations and stuff?
Well... it's more about wanting the opportunity to say thanks to my family and friends.
I see, what about you Broccoli?  Seems like you're always living life to the fullest.  You wouldn't mind dying any day, would you?
I don't know... I don't think today is a good idea.  I have a couple of unwashed undies in the washing machine.
Who cares?
I can sort of relate though; I actually wonder if what I'm wearing today is okay.
But then you'll have to walk around naked so you can have a stroke anytime.
Or in a red T-back.
I don't know about my boxers but I honestly have nothing I'd be ashamed of to have people find when I die.
Except for your porn videos?
...Maybe.  I wouldn't mind my friends seeing them but I don't want my parents to see them.
You'll be fine; we'll distribute them as keepsakes.  It would be fun finding out your preferences.
We'll remember you and shed tears while watching your S&M collection.
You're the one who likes S&M.
Yeah, so?

I know this conversation was only funny because none of us are actually facing death.  At the moment, I think I want some time to prepare, but I don't know what I would feel when/if I have to suffer.  Anyway, I should probably start showing more gratitude to people around me before it's too late - especially my parents.

in a haze of blue

青が霞む恋の記憶

正月明けに飛行機で読んだ木村綾子さんの文章。彼女が十九歳だったころの淡い恋の記憶がつづられている。「前田くん」と遠距離恋愛をしていた彼女は、夏を北海道帯広の牧場で住み込みのアルバイトをして過ごした。牧場での一日が終わると、彼女は毎日前田くんに手紙を書いた。

朝露をまとった八月の草花、牛を追いかけながら見上げた星空、まったくの他人と暮らす難しさ、彼らとともに立ち会った命の誕生、そして死。

初めてのものを目にするたびに、前田くんを強く思った。それをこぼさず伝えたかった。手紙の枚数は日ごとに増えていった。

しかし、彼から返事が来ることはなかった。二か月の牧場生活を終えると、彼女は真っ先に前田くんに会いに行ったが、彼はあっさりと別れを告げた。

それから十年以上たった今、彼女はサン・テグジュペリが生涯最後に恋した女性に贈り続けた手紙をまとめた本を読む。

届かぬ思いが募るほど、王子様の表情はそこはかとなく変化していく。つぶやきは…対象なき嫉妬を帯び、ある日を境に…架空の恋物語が始まる。手紙はもはや宛先不明のものとなっている。

私は、あの夏の日々につづった手紙、ところどころに青がかすむ記憶を思い出さずにはいられなかった。

anatomy ends

It actually does seem like a short time to see everything in the body. It felt like we'd been doing it for ages (it was probably around 150 hours in total) but now that the class is over, it feels like everything was done before we knew it. Personally, I want to do it all over again because I still had a lot of things I wanted to observe. We were the last group in the lab when the test ended and everyone was fed up when I said I still wanted to look at all the organs; they sort of acted like a mother trying to tidy up all the toys while the kid was still messing around. One of the last things I wanted to touch was the testis but I gave up because I didn't want to look at it while everyone was looking at me. But all in all, we did see most of the stuff in the body. I felt a bit nostalgic when I put the brain back into his skull but I think everyone else was just tired.

Yesterday, when we put the bodies in the coffins, many groups had a coffin the family had prepared, but our friend's was prepared by the school. It was just a large box made of thin wooden boards and a plastic sheet inside and I felt sort of sad when I saw the other coffins with cushions and decorations inside. Our friend was tall so he actually needed a special coffin and I felt sad again when I saw his legs bent inside the box. We had covered him in a white cloth so I couldn't actually see them, and I knew they were bent anyway; it was bent from the day we met him. But still...

Oh, and we never gave him a name after all; I started calling him おじいちゃん(grandpa) at some point but no one really did the same.

heaviest expectation

Don't expect too much of your future self.

未来の自分に期待するのはやめよう。

 

 

 

I went to the shrine with my parents for 初詣(we pray for the new year to be a good one) and on our way back, my dad and I talked about 年賀状(a traditional card you get on New Year's Day).  I said it might be fun if we made it a custom to write a card to ourselves too.  I keep all the cards I recieve, and I enjoy reading the older ones, but I sometimes wonder what kind of cards I sent to people each year, so I said I was going to write a card for myself as well from next year.

 

But then my dad said it would be cool if we could send a card to our future selves, or in other words, recieve cards from our past self.  I said I didn't like the idea because it would most likely make me hate myself.  I could write anything - all the good things that I hope will happen to me, all the dreams I hope I would've accomplished... and above all, I would expect myself to be happy.

 

Think about when I actually get the card.  If something doesn't happen now it will not necessarily happen in the future.  Things are never as easy as it seems.  My future self will end up cursing my past self:  Am I happy?  Well, I'm sorry I'm not, but it's all YOUR fault.  You should've tried harder, you should've done this and that while you had time to write cards to me!

 

It would be nice if you could get cards from your future self:  Warning - do not choose this future because you'll regret it.

 

But since that's not possible, I guess I should just try to do my best in everything.  Or I'll just tell my future self to take things easier.  It's okay if you're not happy.  I'm proud of you either way.