Today, I was sorting out my mailbox and some old messages I sent to my crush (during fights) came up. I was terrified. Some messages were awful and just really terrifying that I actually started laughing. (I'm glad he's still my good friend.) Later that evening, I heard a rather heartbreaking (but at the same time funny) story from my mother:
My grandmother takes 気功 lessons (it's a kind of Chinese exercise) and she fell in love with the instructor. The problem was, he didn't like her back. Well, at least not in that kind of way. And to make things worse, it got a bit complicated because my grandma ended up confessing due to jealousy. Two weeks ago, she and the instructor and this other woman (we'll call her Satoko) had lunch together, and the instructor ate Satoko's pickles. My grandma told the instructor not to (it made her jealous for some reason), and he asked her why. Later that day, he called my grandma to tell her he thought she was being a bit mean to Satoko. And that really hurt my grandma. (She also didn't like the fact that the instructor seemed to pay extra attention to Satoko which is probably because she has some mild aftereffects of a stroke.) So she decided to write this looong letter saying how much of a great person she was -- she had never ever been mean to anyone -- and she wrote down all her life time accomplishments, how she had raised three great daughters, how great their husbands were and so on, ending the letter with a list of people she had recruited to the 気功 club and insisting how much she had contributed to the growth of it. She also asked the instructor to "treat all students fairly", confessed her feelings for him (that was the main part actually), and faxed it.
The instructor wrote her back, but he didn't really know how to use the fax machine, and this is where things went out of control. His letter didn't reach my grandma, and so she got really upset and mad and sent more letters and started saying bad things about him behind his back. She was awfully depressed and couldn't do anything by herself. She was thrown into multiple panic attacks -- she would suddenly forget how to stop the fire while she was making tea -- and was getting extremely forgetful in general. So my mom ended up calling the instructor to talk to him and asked him to send the fax again. His response was a bit cold anyway ("I like your bright smile, BUT I am only your instructor; every student is equally important to me"), and my grandma is now so embarrassed that the whole family knows the story (though I don't think she expects it to have reached all the way down to me!) and she just wants a hole to hide in.
When I heard all this from my mother, the first thought that came to my mind was -- wow, maybe I inherited that terrifying-letter-writing gene. But the next thought was, I wonder if I would still fall in love when I'm 85. I have a hard time falling in love even now. I mean, I guess I was kind of obsessive with my crush, but he was really an exception; I'm actually almost sure that I will never be that way with anyone else.
2014年5月25日日曜日
2013年12月27日金曜日
queer as folk
After being recommended by a friend many years ago, I finally watched it. Well, not the whole thing but I got the overall story and I enjoyed it.
For one thing, it was impressive to see how someone could be so loving without making any commitments. It made me think what it actually meant to love someone. Was it not about how much you're willing to compromise for him? How much you're willing to change?
Justin says he and Brian are not getting married because that way, they can be together because they want to and not because they have to. To them, changing for the other person is sacrifice and not love. But Brian, in fact, changes slowly but distinctly every time he loses Justin, and it's pretty ironic that when Brian is finally ready to give what Justin wants, Justin has learned to accept Brian for who he is and finds it uncomfortable to realize that the new Brian is not the Brian he knows.
In one of the last scenes, if I remember correctly, Justin tries to reassure Brian that they will see each other often even when he moves away, but Brian stops him and says: "You don't know. Neither do I" I really liked the scene because the line was so 'Brian' and Justin seemed to be truly content with it. Justin never had to forgive Brian because Brian never promised anything. And it was always going to be that way -- "No excuses, no apologies, no regrets."
Later though, I had a different opinion about their "non-conventional relationship". As Brian says, you never know about the future. Everything changes, everyone changes, and it's scary to make commitments; it's sometimes frightening to trust. But in the end, I think that's why you make promises -- to fight through, to try to stick to what you believe in, and to prove there are things that never change even when everything else -- including yourself -- changes.
If you haven't seen the series, I recommend it! You can watch it on youtube.
For one thing, it was impressive to see how someone could be so loving without making any commitments. It made me think what it actually meant to love someone. Was it not about how much you're willing to compromise for him? How much you're willing to change?
Justin says he and Brian are not getting married because that way, they can be together because they want to and not because they have to. To them, changing for the other person is sacrifice and not love. But Brian, in fact, changes slowly but distinctly every time he loses Justin, and it's pretty ironic that when Brian is finally ready to give what Justin wants, Justin has learned to accept Brian for who he is and finds it uncomfortable to realize that the new Brian is not the Brian he knows.
In one of the last scenes, if I remember correctly, Justin tries to reassure Brian that they will see each other often even when he moves away, but Brian stops him and says: "You don't know. Neither do I" I really liked the scene because the line was so 'Brian' and Justin seemed to be truly content with it. Justin never had to forgive Brian because Brian never promised anything. And it was always going to be that way -- "No excuses, no apologies, no regrets."
Later though, I had a different opinion about their "non-conventional relationship". As Brian says, you never know about the future. Everything changes, everyone changes, and it's scary to make commitments; it's sometimes frightening to trust. But in the end, I think that's why you make promises -- to fight through, to try to stick to what you believe in, and to prove there are things that never change even when everything else -- including yourself -- changes.
If you haven't seen the series, I recommend it! You can watch it on youtube.
2013年12月21日土曜日
call
This morning around 8:45 am, I had a surprising call. I didn't recognize the number but picked up anyway. The guy on the other end said he was T. T what? He added we had been in the same seminar on Anglo-American Law. It took a couple of seconds for me to put a face to the name. The last time we saw each other was more than two years ago.
The first time I met T was probably half a year before that. We had decided to take the same seminar under the same professor at the same university. He came up to me right after the first class and asked if he could have my number. Soon, he asked me out for lunch. We talked about the books we read, our respective future dreams, and he told me about his ex girlfriend. He said he would work anywhere; if he could support his wife so she could enjoy her life doing whatever she wanted to, that would make him happy. He asked if I had a boyfriend; I said yes. He complimented me anyway and said (with no hint of shyness) I had a great figure.
A couple months later, he sent me a text saying he really liked me. I said I really appreciated his feelings but that I didn't want to break up with my boyfriend. He said he understood but that he couldn't stop crying -- that he would be waiting if I ever changed my mind.
When the semester ended, we never met after that. He texted me a couple of times, but I said I couldn't meet. I had already broken up with my boyfriend but I was going through a very busy period. More than a year went by. I wondered about him once in a while, but never thought about calling him. Nor did I expect him to call one random Saturday morning before leaving for work.
「電話帳を整理してたら、なんか懐かしいなと思って(I felt kind of nostalgic when I found your name in my phone book)」 he said, when I asked what was up. He asked me what I was doing now. He said he would've been shocked if I had already gotten married. "You know, I really liked you. Well, not that I called to check or anything..." From what I heard in his voice and the way he talked, he seemed a bit exhausted from all the work but he hadn't changed. He was still the T who came up to me right after class to ask my number. I wondered if he thought I had changed.
I never had feelings for him. And I don't think I ever would. But his affection was always straightforward and earnest. It did mean a lot to me -- probably as much as his bittersweet memory did to him.
The first time I met T was probably half a year before that. We had decided to take the same seminar under the same professor at the same university. He came up to me right after the first class and asked if he could have my number. Soon, he asked me out for lunch. We talked about the books we read, our respective future dreams, and he told me about his ex girlfriend. He said he would work anywhere; if he could support his wife so she could enjoy her life doing whatever she wanted to, that would make him happy. He asked if I had a boyfriend; I said yes. He complimented me anyway and said (with no hint of shyness) I had a great figure.
A couple months later, he sent me a text saying he really liked me. I said I really appreciated his feelings but that I didn't want to break up with my boyfriend. He said he understood but that he couldn't stop crying -- that he would be waiting if I ever changed my mind.
When the semester ended, we never met after that. He texted me a couple of times, but I said I couldn't meet. I had already broken up with my boyfriend but I was going through a very busy period. More than a year went by. I wondered about him once in a while, but never thought about calling him. Nor did I expect him to call one random Saturday morning before leaving for work.
「電話帳を整理してたら、なんか懐かしいなと思って(I felt kind of nostalgic when I found your name in my phone book)」 he said, when I asked what was up. He asked me what I was doing now. He said he would've been shocked if I had already gotten married. "You know, I really liked you. Well, not that I called to check or anything..." From what I heard in his voice and the way he talked, he seemed a bit exhausted from all the work but he hadn't changed. He was still the T who came up to me right after class to ask my number. I wondered if he thought I had changed.
I never had feelings for him. And I don't think I ever would. But his affection was always straightforward and earnest. It did mean a lot to me -- probably as much as his bittersweet memory did to him.
2013年6月3日月曜日
together but lonely?
先ほど友人と昼食をとりながら話していたこと。
1人でいて寂しいのと、2人でいても寂しいのと、どちらがマシか。
私の一回り上である友人は、一緒にいて寂しい思いをする人とは付き合いたくないと言っていたが、私自身は、2人でいても寂しいのが普通なのではないかと思う。いくら愛し合っていても、違う人間である以上、すべてを分かち合うのは無理だし、やっぱり、何度伝えようとしても理解してもらえないことや、何度理解しようとしても理解できないことは、きっとあると思うのだ。
離婚の危機に瀕するカップルを数組見てきて思うのは、コミュニケーション不足はどこかで必ず関係に亀裂を作るということだ。最近、本格的に離婚を考え始めた友人夫妻は、話し合いをするたびに、なぜか熱海に行く。家だろうと熱海だろうと、話す人間が変わらなければ、何も変わらないということに気づいていないのだとすれば、悲しいような気もするが、日常の生活から離れてお互いのことだけを考えられる環境の中で話し合いをすることが重要だという考えもあるのだろう。
でも一方で、いくら話し合ってもどうしようもないこともある。相手が恐ろしく鈍感な場合とか。私の周りには、そういう人があまりいないので、鈍感というと、ある友人とのとある夕食を思い出してしまう。私が、職なし金なし彼氏なしの三重苦に直面していた時に（といっても、夢を応援してくれている両親がいたので苦ではなかったのだが）、彼女は、自分の恋人が非常に愛情深い人間である上に非常に成功した画家であることをひとしきり自慢した後に、「で、結婚したら苗字が変わっちゃうでしょ？私、それが今最大の悩みなの」と言い放った。
「確かに、中田が田中になるのって、大変だよね」そう言いながら、私は、悩みとは本当に人それぞれなのだと痛感した。私が自分の三重苦を深刻に考えている以上に彼女は中田から田中に姓が変わることを深刻に思っていたのかもしれないのだ。それは客観的には理解できることだったが、彼女の悩みは私には到底理解しがたいものだったし、彼女にとっては私の悩みこそが意味不明だったかもしれない。
いずれにしても、そんなわけで、自分の悩みを分かってもらおうとか、そんな大それた期待を抱いているうちは、2人でいても寂しい思いをするのは目に見えている。寂しくなりたくないなら、経済的にも精神的にも自立した人間になることだ、とつくづく思う。寄り掛かろうと思うから、壁が崩れると悲しいし、悔しい。裏切られたくなければ、最初から自分の足で立つことだけを考えればいいのだ。厳しいけれど、長い目で見れば、それが自分を救う唯一にして一番の方法だと思う。
During lunch, I had a conversation with my friend about which was better:
1. Being alone and lonely
2. Being together (with someone) and still being lonely
My friend said she didn't want to date anyone that made her feel lonely, but I think we're bound to feel lonely even when we're with someone. As long as we're different humans, we won't be able to understand each other completely, no matter how hard we try.
Communication problems would of course lead to cracks in a relationship (I think that's why my friend who is thinking of a getting a divorce goes on a vacation with her husband to have a 'meaningful conversation' every time something comes up between them -- it's pretty ironic if they still haven't realized it's not the place but the people and the content of the conversation that matter) but sometimes it's not a matter of communication.
Like when I was facing my 'down' period in life (with no job, no money, no boyfriend) -- a friend told me how happy she was with her own boyfriend and nailed it with "you see, I'm going to have to change my last name when we get married. That's the greatest concern for me at the moment."
"Yeah, it must be a great challenge to change your name from Nakata to Tanaka." I nodded, and thought: concerns indeed depend on the person. She might've been seriously concerned about her last name much much more than I was about my no-nothing state. That was easy to understand from an objective point of view, but I had no way to understand her concerns and she probably didn't understand mine. No communication would've quite bridged the gap.
Either way, while we're expecting someone or our significant other to 'understand' our worries and concerns, we're bound to feel lonely. That's why I think it's important to be independent financially and mentally. We get hurt and get angry when the wall collapses because we're looking for something to lean on. If we don't want to feel betrayed, we might as well start thinking about standing on our own feet. It's not easy, but in the long run, I think it's the only yet best way to save ourselves.
1人でいて寂しいのと、2人でいても寂しいのと、どちらがマシか。
私の一回り上である友人は、一緒にいて寂しい思いをする人とは付き合いたくないと言っていたが、私自身は、2人でいても寂しいのが普通なのではないかと思う。いくら愛し合っていても、違う人間である以上、すべてを分かち合うのは無理だし、やっぱり、何度伝えようとしても理解してもらえないことや、何度理解しようとしても理解できないことは、きっとあると思うのだ。
離婚の危機に瀕するカップルを数組見てきて思うのは、コミュニケーション不足はどこかで必ず関係に亀裂を作るということだ。最近、本格的に離婚を考え始めた友人夫妻は、話し合いをするたびに、なぜか熱海に行く。家だろうと熱海だろうと、話す人間が変わらなければ、何も変わらないということに気づいていないのだとすれば、悲しいような気もするが、日常の生活から離れてお互いのことだけを考えられる環境の中で話し合いをすることが重要だという考えもあるのだろう。
でも一方で、いくら話し合ってもどうしようもないこともある。相手が恐ろしく鈍感な場合とか。私の周りには、そういう人があまりいないので、鈍感というと、ある友人とのとある夕食を思い出してしまう。私が、職なし金なし彼氏なしの三重苦に直面していた時に（といっても、夢を応援してくれている両親がいたので苦ではなかったのだが）、彼女は、自分の恋人が非常に愛情深い人間である上に非常に成功した画家であることをひとしきり自慢した後に、「で、結婚したら苗字が変わっちゃうでしょ？私、それが今最大の悩みなの」と言い放った。
「確かに、中田が田中になるのって、大変だよね」そう言いながら、私は、悩みとは本当に人それぞれなのだと痛感した。私が自分の三重苦を深刻に考えている以上に彼女は中田から田中に姓が変わることを深刻に思っていたのかもしれないのだ。それは客観的には理解できることだったが、彼女の悩みは私には到底理解しがたいものだったし、彼女にとっては私の悩みこそが意味不明だったかもしれない。
いずれにしても、そんなわけで、自分の悩みを分かってもらおうとか、そんな大それた期待を抱いているうちは、2人でいても寂しい思いをするのは目に見えている。寂しくなりたくないなら、経済的にも精神的にも自立した人間になることだ、とつくづく思う。寄り掛かろうと思うから、壁が崩れると悲しいし、悔しい。裏切られたくなければ、最初から自分の足で立つことだけを考えればいいのだ。厳しいけれど、長い目で見れば、それが自分を救う唯一にして一番の方法だと思う。
During lunch, I had a conversation with my friend about which was better:
1. Being alone and lonely
2. Being together (with someone) and still being lonely
My friend said she didn't want to date anyone that made her feel lonely, but I think we're bound to feel lonely even when we're with someone. As long as we're different humans, we won't be able to understand each other completely, no matter how hard we try.
Communication problems would of course lead to cracks in a relationship (I think that's why my friend who is thinking of a getting a divorce goes on a vacation with her husband to have a 'meaningful conversation' every time something comes up between them -- it's pretty ironic if they still haven't realized it's not the place but the people and the content of the conversation that matter) but sometimes it's not a matter of communication.
Like when I was facing my 'down' period in life (with no job, no money, no boyfriend) -- a friend told me how happy she was with her own boyfriend and nailed it with "you see, I'm going to have to change my last name when we get married. That's the greatest concern for me at the moment."
"Yeah, it must be a great challenge to change your name from Nakata to Tanaka." I nodded, and thought: concerns indeed depend on the person. She might've been seriously concerned about her last name much much more than I was about my no-nothing state. That was easy to understand from an objective point of view, but I had no way to understand her concerns and she probably didn't understand mine. No communication would've quite bridged the gap.
Either way, while we're expecting someone or our significant other to 'understand' our worries and concerns, we're bound to feel lonely. That's why I think it's important to be independent financially and mentally. We get hurt and get angry when the wall collapses because we're looking for something to lean on. If we don't want to feel betrayed, we might as well start thinking about standing on our own feet. It's not easy, but in the long run, I think it's the only yet best way to save ourselves.
2013年5月4日土曜日
capsules in love
It's a holiday and it was sunny and all I did was read a pathology textbook and watch House and go to the supermarket and do yoga.
House is actually one of the best TV series I've ever seen. In the last episode of the 1st season, House is asked to treat his ex-girlfriend's husband. He's not over her, and he finds it difficult to be his usual self - cold, distant, and unemotional. Somewhere in his head, he even hopes the husband will die. But in the end, he fulfills his duty as a doctor. The girlfriend comes to thank him, and admits she's not over him either. "You're always going to be the one. But with you, I was lonely. With Mark, there's room for me."
Five years ago, I thought I would ever understand this kind of complicated feelings, but I was wrong. It was sort of like when you realize the depth of a song you used to sing when you were a kid without even caring much about the lyrics.
A couple of weeks ago I went to a concert with a friend. My friend said she wondered why people so often sang about love. "There's more to life, isn't there?" True. We go through our life gathering all kinds of experiences along the way. Love is just one of them.
But it's actually pretty obvious why we're destined to be love-addicts, or more precisely, attracted to sex, and have even made it an object of art. (I mean, it's pretty amazing when you think about all the highly regarded smutty classics that have been created all over the world.)
It's all because our bodies and minds are basically just tools to pass on our genes to the next generation. The reason our genes design all these proteins that make our body function the way they do is because they always need a capsule that can create a new capsule where they can live on. Which, by the way, actually means that our genes take great care of our body to help us live up to the age where we're biologically ready to reproduce, but after we reach that point, our genes start getting lazy -- they don't really care what happens to our body now because they most likely already have a new capsule to live in.
House is actually one of the best TV series I've ever seen. In the last episode of the 1st season, House is asked to treat his ex-girlfriend's husband. He's not over her, and he finds it difficult to be his usual self - cold, distant, and unemotional. Somewhere in his head, he even hopes the husband will die. But in the end, he fulfills his duty as a doctor. The girlfriend comes to thank him, and admits she's not over him either. "You're always going to be the one. But with you, I was lonely. With Mark, there's room for me."
Five years ago, I thought I would ever understand this kind of complicated feelings, but I was wrong. It was sort of like when you realize the depth of a song you used to sing when you were a kid without even caring much about the lyrics.
A couple of weeks ago I went to a concert with a friend. My friend said she wondered why people so often sang about love. "There's more to life, isn't there?" True. We go through our life gathering all kinds of experiences along the way. Love is just one of them.
But it's actually pretty obvious why we're destined to be love-addicts, or more precisely, attracted to sex, and have even made it an object of art. (I mean, it's pretty amazing when you think about all the highly regarded smutty classics that have been created all over the world.)
It's all because our bodies and minds are basically just tools to pass on our genes to the next generation. The reason our genes design all these proteins that make our body function the way they do is because they always need a capsule that can create a new capsule where they can live on. Which, by the way, actually means that our genes take great care of our body to help us live up to the age where we're biologically ready to reproduce, but after we reach that point, our genes start getting lazy -- they don't really care what happens to our body now because they most likely already have a new capsule to live in.
2013年5月3日金曜日
2013年4月21日日曜日
brokeback mountain
"...there was another shirt inside it, the sleeves carefully worked down inside Jack's sleeves. It was his own plaid shirt, lost, he'd thought, long ago in some damn laundry... ...stolen by Jack and hidden here inside Jack's own shirt, the pair like two skins, one inside the other, two in one. He pressed his face into the fabric and breathed in... ...but there was no real scent, only the memory of it, the imagined power of Brokeback Mountain of which nothing was left but what he held in his hands."
It was amazing that so little words could convey so much. Borrowed the book from a friend. She recommended the film too, but it was a bit surprising to me that this story was one of her favorites. She's a nice person with a great sense of humor but I sometimes have a hard time understanding her.
Like the other day, she said she'd never experienced regret. I just kept the conversation going, but the remark stuck with me for days. I mean, she's more than ten years older than me and she has never experienced regret. If that was true, I feel kind of sorry for her in a way. A life without regret is like a chocolate without cacao. White chocolate is good too, but the cacao is what makes the other ingredients tastier. If she hadn't really meant what she'd said, I feel sorry for her either way.
"Brokeback Mountain is the sad chronology of a love affair between two men who can't afford to call it that. They know what they're not - not queer, not gay - but have no idea what they are."
There is a obvious smell of regret especially towards the end. I don't know how my friend could've liked this story without knowing regret. But for some reason, I can sort of picture her doing what Alma did to confirm her doubts - the part where she tied a note on the fishing rod she found with the price tag still on after five years. That part was pretty hearbreaking actually. Hello Ennis, bring some fish home, love, Alma. She knew what exactly he was fishing.
It really was a sad story.
"There was some open space between what he knew and what he tried to believe, but nothing could be done about it, and if you can't fix it you've got to stand it."
It was amazing that so little words could convey so much. Borrowed the book from a friend. She recommended the film too, but it was a bit surprising to me that this story was one of her favorites. She's a nice person with a great sense of humor but I sometimes have a hard time understanding her.
Like the other day, she said she'd never experienced regret. I just kept the conversation going, but the remark stuck with me for days. I mean, she's more than ten years older than me and she has never experienced regret. If that was true, I feel kind of sorry for her in a way. A life without regret is like a chocolate without cacao. White chocolate is good too, but the cacao is what makes the other ingredients tastier. If she hadn't really meant what she'd said, I feel sorry for her either way.
"Brokeback Mountain is the sad chronology of a love affair between two men who can't afford to call it that. They know what they're not - not queer, not gay - but have no idea what they are."
There is a obvious smell of regret especially towards the end. I don't know how my friend could've liked this story without knowing regret. But for some reason, I can sort of picture her doing what Alma did to confirm her doubts - the part where she tied a note on the fishing rod she found with the price tag still on after five years. That part was pretty hearbreaking actually. Hello Ennis, bring some fish home, love, Alma. She knew what exactly he was fishing.
It really was a sad story.
"There was some open space between what he knew and what he tried to believe, but nothing could be done about it, and if you can't fix it you've got to stand it."
2013年3月8日金曜日
ex
When I was heading for the station today, I realized that a cafe had closed. It was where I had met my ex last before he returned to the States. When I said I was busy studying for my coming exams, he said he didn't mind coming to my nearest station. We ordered hot drinks and talked about our respective future plans. I asked him if he had enjoyed his time in Japan. It was raining outside.
He was probably my first love - the first person I ever cried over. I still think I might've been in love with love, or that I just wanted someone to lean on; maybe it didn't have to be him. I don't know. But I did like him a lot.
Maybe he didn't see it because I was never ready to sleep with him. I still remember how I felt he was being sarcastic when I asked if he didn't feel my love in the texts I sent him.
We had our first fight towards the end of the relationship. We were walking up the stairs - the one that leads to the JR ticket barrier at the Shinjuku south exit. It was Christmas but I was pissed off from the moment we got together (for several good reasons) and although things did get better after we had dinner, we got into a small fight. I thought he lacked respect; he thought I was being persistent. And it made him so uncomfortable that he said he had to go home to skype his mom. He always had to skype his mom. Which was something I honestly liked about him until that moment... Well actually, I think he said he had to skype his mom even before we got into the fight, but anyway, that was the last time I met him while we were dating.
It was four months later that he decided to return to America and sent me a text so we could meet up. After we left the cafe, I walked him to the station and we exchanged our final farewells. No hug, no tears. I didn't even recall how I was embarrassed when he suddenly hugged me on the platform after our first date.
Fast forward another ten months and the cafe had been closed. Nothing except for the shop sign was left. The buzzing of people, the smell of coffee, the colorful cupcakes, the music from the stereo, the guitar players sitting outside - all that had once been there had disappeared. And I felt slightly sad and nostalgic as I hastily walked by the building this morning just like I had done so many times.
It's amazing how time flies. How memories pile up and weathers.
He was probably my first love - the first person I ever cried over. I still think I might've been in love with love, or that I just wanted someone to lean on; maybe it didn't have to be him. I don't know. But I did like him a lot.
Maybe he didn't see it because I was never ready to sleep with him. I still remember how I felt he was being sarcastic when I asked if he didn't feel my love in the texts I sent him.
We had our first fight towards the end of the relationship. We were walking up the stairs - the one that leads to the JR ticket barrier at the Shinjuku south exit. It was Christmas but I was pissed off from the moment we got together (for several good reasons) and although things did get better after we had dinner, we got into a small fight. I thought he lacked respect; he thought I was being persistent. And it made him so uncomfortable that he said he had to go home to skype his mom. He always had to skype his mom. Which was something I honestly liked about him until that moment... Well actually, I think he said he had to skype his mom even before we got into the fight, but anyway, that was the last time I met him while we were dating.
It was four months later that he decided to return to America and sent me a text so we could meet up. After we left the cafe, I walked him to the station and we exchanged our final farewells. No hug, no tears. I didn't even recall how I was embarrassed when he suddenly hugged me on the platform after our first date.
Fast forward another ten months and the cafe had been closed. Nothing except for the shop sign was left. The buzzing of people, the smell of coffee, the colorful cupcakes, the music from the stereo, the guitar players sitting outside - all that had once been there had disappeared. And I felt slightly sad and nostalgic as I hastily walked by the building this morning just like I had done so many times.
It's amazing how time flies. How memories pile up and weathers.
2013年2月18日月曜日
my other half
When I first learned this term, I thought it was very romantic. I sort of liked it when couples said they "completed each other". I imagined numerous incomplete pieces - maybe something like jigzaw puzzle pieces - floating around, and when two specific pieces met, they completed a beautiful picture.
But yesterday when my friend asked me if I ever "depended" on my boyfriend mentally, I said I'd rather not. I explained that I actually didn't want to date anyone if I didn't feel complete on my own. If I were going through a tough time and lacked self-confidence, I would probably choose someone out of desperateness in order to make myself feel better.
It's been a year since I broke up with my ex boyfriend but when I did, I sort of realized that I didn't like him that much. I never had in the first place. I wouldn't say it could've been anyone; I did like him and there were moments I dreaded losing him.
But it probably didn't have to be him.
At the time I started dating him, I didn't know what I wanted to do in my life, everything seemed dull, and I worried a lot about my future. I needed someone to lean on, and my ex happened to be there. When I finally found what I wanted to do, I broke up (which was a bit ironic because without him, I may not have found my dream). Of course there were other reasons but if I hadn't decided to apply for med school, I might have clung on to the relationship.
When I broke up, I told myself that I would never date anyone when I didn't feel complete on my own. If I felt complete and still wanted to be with someone, I will know that I truly like him. Each of us will be a complete piece, but we would make a better picture together.
My friend said it sounded really idealistic, that people most likely fell for one another when they felt incomplete. I know. And I don't mean to say I wouldn't accept or appreciate any kind of support. When/if I find my "other half", I will probably know either way. I still like it when people refer to their partner as their "other half". Because in the end, no matter how independent you are, I guess you can't avoid feeling incomplete alone if you're together for so long.
But for now, I think I want to prove myself that I can stand on my own feet without a wall to lean on.
But yesterday when my friend asked me if I ever "depended" on my boyfriend mentally, I said I'd rather not. I explained that I actually didn't want to date anyone if I didn't feel complete on my own. If I were going through a tough time and lacked self-confidence, I would probably choose someone out of desperateness in order to make myself feel better.
It's been a year since I broke up with my ex boyfriend but when I did, I sort of realized that I didn't like him that much. I never had in the first place. I wouldn't say it could've been anyone; I did like him and there were moments I dreaded losing him.
But it probably didn't have to be him.
At the time I started dating him, I didn't know what I wanted to do in my life, everything seemed dull, and I worried a lot about my future. I needed someone to lean on, and my ex happened to be there. When I finally found what I wanted to do, I broke up (which was a bit ironic because without him, I may not have found my dream). Of course there were other reasons but if I hadn't decided to apply for med school, I might have clung on to the relationship.
When I broke up, I told myself that I would never date anyone when I didn't feel complete on my own. If I felt complete and still wanted to be with someone, I will know that I truly like him. Each of us will be a complete piece, but we would make a better picture together.
My friend said it sounded really idealistic, that people most likely fell for one another when they felt incomplete. I know. And I don't mean to say I wouldn't accept or appreciate any kind of support. When/if I find my "other half", I will probably know either way. I still like it when people refer to their partner as their "other half". Because in the end, no matter how independent you are, I guess you can't avoid feeling incomplete alone if you're together for so long.
But for now, I think I want to prove myself that I can stand on my own feet without a wall to lean on.
2013年1月20日日曜日
in a haze of blue
青が霞む恋の記憶
正月明けに飛行機で読んだ木村綾子さんの文章。彼女が十九歳だったころの淡い恋の記憶がつづられている。「前田くん」と遠距離恋愛をしていた彼女は、夏を北海道帯広の牧場で住み込みのアルバイトをして過ごした。牧場での一日が終わると、彼女は毎日前田くんに手紙を書いた。
朝露をまとった八月の草花、牛を追いかけながら見上げた星空、まったくの他人と暮らす難しさ、彼らとともに立ち会った命の誕生、そして死。
初めてのものを目にするたびに、前田くんを強く思った。それをこぼさず伝えたかった。手紙の枚数は日ごとに増えていった。
しかし、彼から返事が来ることはなかった。二か月の牧場生活を終えると、彼女は真っ先に前田くんに会いに行ったが、彼はあっさりと別れを告げた。
それから十年以上たった今、彼女はサン・テグジュペリが生涯最後に恋した女性に贈り続けた手紙をまとめた本を読む。
届かぬ思いが募るほど、王子様の表情はそこはかとなく変化していく。つぶやきは…対象なき嫉妬を帯び、ある日を境に…架空の恋物語が始まる。手紙はもはや宛先不明のものとなっている。
私は、あの夏の日々につづった手紙、ところどころに青がかすむ記憶を思い出さずにはいられなかった。
正月明けに飛行機で読んだ木村綾子さんの文章。彼女が十九歳だったころの淡い恋の記憶がつづられている。「前田くん」と遠距離恋愛をしていた彼女は、夏を北海道帯広の牧場で住み込みのアルバイトをして過ごした。牧場での一日が終わると、彼女は毎日前田くんに手紙を書いた。
朝露をまとった八月の草花、牛を追いかけながら見上げた星空、まったくの他人と暮らす難しさ、彼らとともに立ち会った命の誕生、そして死。
初めてのものを目にするたびに、前田くんを強く思った。それをこぼさず伝えたかった。手紙の枚数は日ごとに増えていった。
しかし、彼から返事が来ることはなかった。二か月の牧場生活を終えると、彼女は真っ先に前田くんに会いに行ったが、彼はあっさりと別れを告げた。
それから十年以上たった今、彼女はサン・テグジュペリが生涯最後に恋した女性に贈り続けた手紙をまとめた本を読む。
届かぬ思いが募るほど、王子様の表情はそこはかとなく変化していく。つぶやきは…対象なき嫉妬を帯び、ある日を境に…架空の恋物語が始まる。手紙はもはや宛先不明のものとなっている。
私は、あの夏の日々につづった手紙、ところどころに青がかすむ記憶を思い出さずにはいられなかった。
2012年8月20日月曜日
first love?
So I had this neighbor friend I used to hang out with a lot when I was in New Zealand.
We were around five or six. We went to the same school and went to each other's places almost every day until one day when he suggested we draw pictures of a video game character he was really into. We both enjoyed drawing so I said okay let's do it, but the problem was, I didn't know this video game, and although I thought I would develop some kind of interest in the characters, that just didn't happen.
Plus, Michael was being somewhat picky about my drawings and I finally told him I wanted to go home. He had no clue what was wrong and asked if I was hungry. I said I just wanted to go home. We went to the living room where his parents were watching TV and they said, "Sweetie, if you're hungry we have chocolate chip cookies." But I just smiled and said I wanted to go home. And since that day, I stopped going over to his place.
There's an epilogue to this story though. Michael's mom told me to come play with him again every time we met at school, and a month later on Halloween's Day, Michael came over in his dracula costume. It was really awkward (at least on my part), and to make things worse, my dad made us hold hands for a picture. We'd probably held hands like a million times but I felt so shy.
I don't remember what happened after that but a couple months later, I was bored and finally decided to go over to his place again. I remember being really nervous but his mom welcomed me with a warm smile, and Michael and I were friends again like nothing ever happened.
When I left NZ, we never wrote to each other, but he was one of the few people I searched for when I joined Facebook. He doesn't look all that innocent now but it was kind of nice to know that he remembered me too after more than a decade.
We were around five or six. We went to the same school and went to each other's places almost every day until one day when he suggested we draw pictures of a video game character he was really into. We both enjoyed drawing so I said okay let's do it, but the problem was, I didn't know this video game, and although I thought I would develop some kind of interest in the characters, that just didn't happen.
Plus, Michael was being somewhat picky about my drawings and I finally told him I wanted to go home. He had no clue what was wrong and asked if I was hungry. I said I just wanted to go home. We went to the living room where his parents were watching TV and they said, "Sweetie, if you're hungry we have chocolate chip cookies." But I just smiled and said I wanted to go home. And since that day, I stopped going over to his place.
There's an epilogue to this story though. Michael's mom told me to come play with him again every time we met at school, and a month later on Halloween's Day, Michael came over in his dracula costume. It was really awkward (at least on my part), and to make things worse, my dad made us hold hands for a picture. We'd probably held hands like a million times but I felt so shy.
I don't remember what happened after that but a couple months later, I was bored and finally decided to go over to his place again. I remember being really nervous but his mom welcomed me with a warm smile, and Michael and I were friends again like nothing ever happened.
When I left NZ, we never wrote to each other, but he was one of the few people I searched for when I joined Facebook. He doesn't look all that innocent now but it was kind of nice to know that he remembered me too after more than a decade.
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