my other half

When I first learned this term, I thought it was very romantic.  I sort of liked it when couples said they "completed each other".  I imagined numerous incomplete pieces - maybe something like jigzaw puzzle pieces - floating around, and when two specific pieces met, they completed a beautiful picture.

But yesterday when my friend asked me if I ever "depended" on my boyfriend mentally, I said I'd rather not.  I explained that I actually didn't want to date anyone if I didn't feel complete on my own.  If I were going through a tough time and lacked self-confidence, I would probably choose someone out of desperateness in order to make myself feel better.

It's been a year since I broke up with my ex boyfriend but when I did, I sort of realized that I didn't like him that much.  I never had in the first place.  I wouldn't say it could've been anyone; I did like him and there were moments I dreaded losing him.

But it probably didn't have to be him.

At the time I started dating him, I didn't know what I wanted to do in my life, everything seemed dull, and I worried a lot about my future.  I needed someone to lean on, and my ex happened to be there.  When I finally found what I wanted to do, I broke up (which was a bit ironic because without him, I may not have found my dream).  Of course there were other reasons but if I hadn't decided to apply for med school, I might have clung on to the relationship.

When I broke up, I told myself that I would never date anyone when I didn't feel complete on my own.  If I felt complete and still wanted to be with someone, I will know that I truly like him.  Each of us will be a complete piece, but we would make a better picture together.

My friend said it sounded really idealistic, that people most likely fell for one another when they felt incomplete.  I know.  And I don't mean to say I wouldn't accept or appreciate any kind of support.  When/if I find my "other half", I will probably know either way.  I still like it when people refer to their partner as their "other half".  Because in the end, no matter how independent you are, I guess you can't avoid feeling incomplete alone if you're together for so long.

But for now, I think I want to prove myself that I can stand on my own feet without a wall to lean on.