dreams

Another essay I read recently:

After taking the bar exam for ten years, I was suffering to decide whether to continue or not.  I had started studying law at 34 and had begun taking the bar from 37.  I was already in my mid forties.  I was raising a child while working; unlike young examinees, it was impossible for me to study all day.  It was becoming harder and harder for me to memorize things.

Was this a reckless challenge after all?  Were all my efforts a waste?  Was it a mistake that I even started taking this exam?  I feared my life ending without ever accomplishing anything.   I felt left behind and lonely when I saw my classmates pass.  When I faced reality, it seemed wiser to give up.

That year, I decided to sacrifice everything - I quit my job, cut my sleeping time, did everything I could think of.  When I took the exam, I thought something must be wrong if I didn't pass.

However, I couldn't find my number when the Ministry of Justice released the results.  I cannot remember how I reached home.  I tiptoed into the house, went into my room, and cried for the first time.  That was when my son peeked into the room.  I think he was still in elementary school.  I usually left him to take care of himself; all I could do was place the meals on the table.  I would not have noticed if he had been bullied at school.  He was a victim of my exam-centered life.

"I'm thinking of quitting taking the exam"  I said.  My son said, "but it's your dream, right?"

Those words made me come back to life.  I changed how I viewed my examination.  It was indeed my dream.  The reason I hated myself and couldn't forgive myself was because I expected myself to pass.  I felt miserable because I hated myself.  If it was a "dream", it was natural that it didn't come true.  If it did, it was an amazing miracle.  I began to like myself when I thought I was striving for my dream.  I thought I should stop complaining because it was a path I chose.

What I learned through my examination life was to trust my own decisions.  It is impossible to obtain everything.  You have to decide on your own what to give up.  When you make a decision, you have to stick to it.  You should never look back.  Then you can love yourself and keep smiling.

~ Masako Kamiyama （神山昌子）

She passed the bar after 23 attempts and became a lawyer at 61.  "I cried when I passed.  That, and the time I almost gave up - those were the only occasions I cried."