inside the box

"You have to think outside the box.  You're still inside it."



"But the box is where I do my best thinking."

priceless

"You can only see it when you're a child."   --Tonari no Totoro

It's hard to think outside the box once we find ourselves inside it.  But kids sometimes show us our way out of it:

Memories of my first day at school are very vague, but my father has a very clear recollection of the morning before my second day. Apparently, I stood in front of my parents, arms crossed and a picture of misery, and said, “But I went there yesterday, why do I have to go AGAIN?”
-- What Schools Do to Us

In the bath:
Hey mommy, why you have no willy?
ねぇ、ママぁ。なんでママ、チンチンないの？
That's because mommy is a woman.
それはねぇ、ママは女だからだよ
..., ...Then I'll buy you a willy at Beisia supermarket!
・・・、・・・、ぼく、ママにー、チンチン買ってきてあげるね！
Really?  Thank you!  I want a huge one!
ほんと？ありがとー！ママ、でっかいチンチンがいいな！
Okay!  What color do you want?  Pink?
でっかいチンチンね！何色がいい？ピンク？？
Yeah, pink sounds great!
うん、ピンクでお願い！
Okay!  I'm going to buy a blue one for me too!
分かった！ぼくは青にする！
 -- Re: Why mommy doesn't have a willy

The blog posts above reminded me of a conversation I apparently had with my mother when I was a kid myself.

Hey mommy, I want to be a strawberry when I grow up.  What do you want to be when you grow up?
ねぇ、ママぁ、わたし、大きくなったらイチゴになりたい。ママは大きくなったら何になりたい？
Hm... let's see...
そうねぇ
What about a grape?
ぶどう？
Yeah, that sounds like a great idea.
それもいいねぇ

sex culture in japan

I think sex is a pretty interesting topic when we talk about culture.  It's something fundamental to humans, to creatures, to life, and yet there are so many interpretations.  I wouldn't go too far as to say the essence of culture lies inside the bedroom, but how the people talk about sex can probably tell us a lot about a country/region.  It's too bad I'm not a sex culture specialist -- I don't know much about other countries (except that I've read somewhere that in Bhutan, there are tapestries of Gods enjoying sex).

In Japan, there's something we call 風俗(fuzoku = legal sex services?) though I actually didn't know what it exactly was until this morning when I heard someone talking about it on the news.  I knew it was a place where men went to when they were 'stressed' but I didn't know what was legal and what wasn't.  From what I gathered this morning, it's illegal to do the 'real thing' or 'honban（本番）' but everything else is legal and it's called "passionfruit" if I heard it correctly.  I don't get it though.  I guess there's no such distinction between what's 'real' and what's not in other countries?  I mean, how does it work?  What if the 'client' forced it in?  Is he going to be sued for a breach of contract, or assault, or what?

Another thing many of my foreign friends have pointed out is the existence of love hotels.  The Japanese rarely talk about sex and yet we have these buildings specifically for sex.  And it's not even hidden; the walls are sometimes painted with vivid colors and lit up with neon signs.  It's pretty amusing if you think about it: people having sex in every single room of the whole building.  It's actually a bit disappointing I can't write about the details -- I've never been to one.  If I ever do, I *might* report it.  If anyone cares to know more.

losers

できなくたっていいじゃないか
ダメ人間だもの



You can't do it?
Well, that's okay.  We're only losers.

I saw this written on a classmate's sweater today, and it made me feel kind of better since I was being a bit tense with my coming exams and whatnot.  I really have to grow up...

Will be absent till the end of the month.  Take care!

weeds

Another brief conversation with my mother (and father):

(I've been studying all day for my microbe test while my father apparently has been doing some weeding.  My mother calls.)

Mom: Your father has been lecturing me about weeding.  あなたの父親、草に関する講釈がすごいんだけど
Me: Well too bad, he has nothing to talk about but weeds.　しょうがないよ、草以外話すことないんでしょ
Mom: Remember the bunch of reddish-brown clovers?  He says you have to dig it from the root.  Otherwise, they sprout again.　赤っぽいクローバー覚えてるでしょ？根っこから取らないとまたすぐ生えてくるって
Me: Yeah... So have you ever heard of echinococcosis?　ねえ、エキノコッカス症って知ってる？
Mom: ...Maybe you should talk to your father.　・・・ちょっとお父さんにかわるわ
Dad: Of course I've heard of it.  It's popular in Hokkaido!　知ってるよ。北海道に多いやつでしょ

One good thing about being in a similar field as your father is that you can enjoy some very intriguing conversations with him about helminths.

One bad thing about having a vet husband and a would-be doctor daughter is that you have to listen about weeds and helminths when you care about neither.

Not that being a vet and loving weed-talks exactly go hand in hand.



And just for the honor of my father, he *does* have more than weeds to talk about.  Much much more.  I don't think he even likes talking about weeds...

sweat-drenched

A brief conversation with my mother:

Background info -- she and I used to go to a women-only gym called Curves before I moved.  I quit but she still goes; she's a really earnest Curves believer.  She even went to the one near my place when she visited me, and people watched her in amazement.  They asked her if all Curvies were so serious in Tokyo.  "And those gloves, they look really pro."  If you ask me, she *is* a pro.  She even has her own original hip-swaying step that some people crave to try while others just stare.  I have yet to see anyone else at Curves who's as intense as her.  And I think it's pretty cool that she never cares how ugly she looks or how much stares she gets while she exercises sweat-drenched.  Not that she's *that* ugly...  It's actually rather heart-lifting to see a middle-aged woman shaking away her hip fiercely.

Mom: We're not gonna have dollars anymore.
Me: Dollars?  What dollars?
Mom: Curves.
Me: ...Oh, that's disappointing.  So you're not gonna get anymore Tshirts?  Sounds like they're being stingier.
Mom: But the owner made another gym right in front of your alma mater.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yeah, she's gonna be even richer by making more of us pigs run around.
Me: ...I might go there once I become a doctor and save enough money to get another degree.
Mom: You're going to study AGAIN?  I thought you were going to work.
Me: I said AFTER I work and save enough money.  I'm planning to get a master's online while working and then go back to get a PhD -- if I really feel like it.  But I might have a wedding and some babies in between.  So I'm gonna be like what, forty?  Or maybe fifty.
Mom: その時はもうなくなってるかもね (= I might be dead by then / It might be closed by then)
Me: You're gonna be in your seventies.  Oh wait, did you mean --
Mom: Yeah, I was talking about Curves.
Me: You're right, it might be closed!
Mom: And I might be dead from overwork.  But you can still go to Curves and remember me -- how devoted and diligent and serious I was with that circuit training.

And with life, I suppose.  I really respect how she does her best every single day.

protected

Apparently, Japan is still an 'island'.  Considering the small immigrant population, I guess it's still true that the Japanese are much less aware of international affairs in general, compared to people in other countries.  It's of course obvious that Japan can't live on its own but it seems to me that the situation is sometimes a bit unclear to some people.  That is, knowing the fact that your jeans were dyed in Bangladesh might be a bit different from having a Bangladeshi neighbor.
 

On the other hand, I believe the Japanese are pretty open to foreign cultures -- everything from the west poured into the east after all, and the Japanese took in whatever they could.   But they always transferred it into something "Japanese", and we still do: when things land in Japan, people recook it and sometimes make it into something very different and unique, which is pretty cool, but that might also be a sign of some kind of intolerance towards foreign culture. We have to recook things so people can accept them without showing allergies.

Anyway, I get the impression that we're all 'protected' in Japan in a lukewarm nest.  We lack stimulation.  I think that's why people like me love to watch TV programs that feature 'the only Japanese' living in a strange village in a strange country.

Today, when I told my mother what I was about to watch, she said she hated the program.  "They just ran away because things didn't work out in Japan.  Now they're so proud to be living in a strange village.  They act as if they've accomplished something when they're just living their life -- just like we all are."

She has a point.  But it's fun to observe danger from your safe nest.

red!

Aunt Flo came and gave me a surprise attack during microbe experiment today.  Guess what happened to my white coat.

Goe (a male classmate): Let's go get our coat sterilized.
Me: Hm...
Goe: Let's go.
Me: I'll go after you.
Goe: Huh?  What's up?
Yu (a female classmate who knows what's going on under my butt): Leave her alone, Goe.  Let's go.
Goe: What is it?  I'm not going until you tell me.
Me: ...I think I have something on my coat.
Goe: What?
Me: *looks behind at my own butt*
Goe: Oh... THAT...
Me: What, you see it?
Goe: No, you're fine.  Uh... I guess I'll go.

The girls helped me out of trouble after that.  It was so embarrassing...

women's notebook

The government is planning to distribute this thing called 'women's notebook' in Japan.  It's a notebook that is supposed to remind Japanese women some obvious facts about our body -- that it should be checked regularly and that it's most suited to give birth before we reach our mid thirties.  The government thinks it's the best way to encourage women to have babies and save Japan from its declining birth rate.

But since women are not baby-producing machines who are willing to live for the sake of a nation's policy, and since they're not the only ones 'responsible', many women seem to have an unpleasant impression of this government's new great idea.

Some women want to get married.  Some women want kids.  And they still have difficulty getting what they want.  It's not because they are ignorant of the fact that babies are 'best before 35'.  This notebook is going to make it even more difficult for women who are over thirty and are still unmarried with no kids.  I'm soon going to be one of them.  So,

Dear Mr. Prime Minister,
I hope you're not trying to tell us that we're lazy useless citizens who are neglecting social responsibility and that it's embarrassing and wrong to be an unmarried woman without kids.


This post was actually inspired by a Sci-Fi Horror "How to be a woman".  It's set in 2050, Japan, where all women are obliged to carry a women's notebook: under the amended constitution, there is a new law that provides that single women above thirty be sent to concentration camps where they are forced to either marry a man the government chooses, or be executed, but a politician suggests it might be better to use them as prostitutes.  Abe Jr. (with a small Hitler-like mustache) is criticized from Amnesty, HRW, and countries from all over the world but Japanese men adore him, and Japan starts firing missiles when America intervenes.  I actually found it pretty realistic.

italians

"You don't iron your jeans?  That's an international problem."

Apparently, Italians iron EVERYTHING.  Even their Tshirt, socks and sometimes underwear.

They clean their house until everything is shining.  Especially their doorknobs.  They go to doorknob stores to get the perfect doorknob with the perfect design, color, shine, and grip.

When they go to the market, they take hours to buy what they eat for dinner.  Because they have a preference for EVERYTHING.  Herbs, cheese, wine, tomatoes...

I almost gaped as I saw all this on TV while having dinner.  A Japanese woman who had married an Italian taxi driver showed us how 'obssessed' Italians were about certain things.   Her husband Marco was no exception; there was a 'Marco-check' for EVERYTHING.  "Honey, come here.  Look at this dust."  "Honey, look.  The doorknob has some fingerprints."  "Honey, smell this.  I think this herb is too mild."

During dinner, he comments how the risotto is a bit dry.  "You see, Parmesan is a liaison.  If you look at this dish as an architecture, it's like cement between bricks."  His son looked back at his father and asked if he wasn't hungry.  "Yes, I actually am hungry.  Let's eat."



It seemed to me like Italians had too much time.  I wonder how their economy can still be working...

waste of money

Last night, I talked with a friend and at one point, we were talking about how we often say we don't want to die alone.  Literally speaking though, the friend said he didn't want anyone to watch him die.  He wanted to be alone when the time came.  He added how much he thought a funeral would be a waste of money.  "People put too much emphasis on death, and respecting the dead.  They're dead, they can't enjoy what we do for them anymore."  I said I would want to hold a funeral for my parents anyway.  "For myself, mainly.  Seeing them off to heaven would make a difference to my own life.  I want to be able to convince myself when I look back, that I did all I could for them."

Friend: Right.  But I think it's better to spend that money while they're alive, and do things for them while they can still enjoy.
Me: Okay, so funerals are for people who couldn't do anything for their parents when they were alive.  It's their last chance to do something for them.  They hold funerals to make themselves feel better.
Friend: Yeah, it's all about them.  They just *feel* like they did something for their parents when in fact they haven't.  It's a huge amount of money to pay to make yourself feel better.  Though I guess people should do it if it does make them feel better.  I'd personally have some trouble illusioning myself.

Me: Then what about weddings?
Friend: I have similar feelings about weddings too, though the ones I've been to have been great.
Me: I actually agree it's a waste of money but I still want to have a wedding for my grandma, because she's really looking forward to it.  And I really liked looking at my parent's wedding pictures when I was little.  It's kind of nice to have those kind of stuff.
Friend: Yeah, I understand.  It's nice.  But say I have three kids, I split the $30,000 I would've used for my wedding and make three bank accounts.  One of the kids ask me why there isn't any wedding pictures of mom and dad.  I'll show them a picture of the bank accounts instead and tell them they're for their education and whatnot.  I know it sounds pretty cynical, but... it's not.
Me: Maybe you're right.  And some pictures can be more interesting than wedding pictures.
Friend: Don't tell me you found your parent's naughty pictures.
Me: Well, I never thought they were that type.
Friend: Everyone's that type when they're young.

endearing parasites

Just came back from a study session on microbes and parasites.

My friend had become a specialist in medical zoology, told us excitedly how Strongyloides stercoralis infected us as larvas (type F) and grew up in human bodies to lay eggs.  The eggs then hatches and larvas (type R) come out of our intestines, turn into type F again before breaking through our anus and into our body to repeat the cycle.

We also studied about larva migrans -- when a parasite mistakes a human as a host while in fact humans are intermediate hosts.  Since the larva can't grow in the human body in this case, it gets trapped and it moves around, searching for a better place, a better tomorrow.  They never grow up, causing severe symptoms.  It's just like Peter Pan Syndrome, when you can't grow up and cause pain to people around you.

By the way, Anisakis live in mackerels, and we've all had makerels.  I'm sure we've had tons of cooked Anisakis without even noticing.  A set lunch of rice and cooked mackerels that looked so delicious actually might've been a set lunch of rice and Anisakis, with a piece of mackerel.  Hmm... sounds so yummy!

what we see

Four doctors look at the same CT scan of a patient's brain.  Three doctors see nothing.  One doctor rolls his eyes.  "People, are we really looking at the same thing?"

It's the same when we observe things under the microscope.  Even when we're looking at the same thing, what a student sees and what a sixty-year-old professional sees are totally different.

The other day, we spent the afternoon looking at all kinds of parasites under the microscope.  Which wasn't that bad, compared to looking at their eggs.  It's extremely difficult to find them, even when you know it's there somewhere on the slide.

I thought it was exactly the same with life in general -- the world in the eyes of a three-year-old is totally different from the world in the eyes of a ninety-year-old.  The only difference might be that in medicine, the more experience, the more clearly you see the picture and you see more important stuff, while in life, that's not necessarily the case -- in exchange of a clearer picture, you end up forgetting how to see some of the things you used to see.

And even when experiences pile up, you never really know if what you're searching for is truly somewhere on the slide, until you actually find it.  No one guarantees you it's there.  And even when you manage to believe it's there, some things are still hard to find, just like a parasite egg.

self-abuse

"Perfectionism is self-abuse of the highest order."

perfectionism

I think every person has some kind of morbid personality traits.  It's difficult to draw a line between sane and insane.

For example, my mom is a huge worrywart in certain areas.  When she locks the door before leaving the house, she hits her head or pinches her hand to sort of leave herself a solid memory that she actually did lock the door.  I'm not joking.  Without that ritual, she gets worried if she has really locked the door, the moment she starts walking off.  It sounds pretty morbid, but neither I nor my father has advised her to go see a psychiatrist.  My father instead has even taken the initiative in carrying out the ritual -- "Hey, don't we have to hit our heads?"

I think the reason we don't take the lock-and-hit too seriously is because it hasn't yet affected my mother's life too much.  It's not to the point where she can't leave the house because of the fear of being unsure of her locking habits.  Being addicted to a couple of hits on her head can't be that bad, considering all the problems humans are capable of having.

If I apply this criterion to my own morbid personality trait, however, I sometimes think I might as well only be a step away from the psychiatrist office.  I have a very very strong tendency towards perfectionism.  I hide it well enough in everyday life; no one thinks I'm at the morbid level, but lately it's actually making me suffer to the extent that I've felt the urge to confess it here.  (Not that I've ever felt too self-conscious on the internet.  Or anywhere, actually.)

The problem with my case is that

1) It consumes time.  It takes time to be obsessive.  And more than half of the things I'm obsessed about probably don't matter to me a month later.  So it's a plain waste of time.  Priority sequences get destroyed for this waste, and it's simply not worth it.

2) Makes me an unhappy person.  I think I'm pretty lenient to others, but I can be very very strict to myself.  And in areas that aren't even important.  I almost always have something on my mind that I don't like, or that makes me worried.  I can't live in the moment.

3) Triggers procrastination.  Since I want it all perfect, and I mean PERFECT, some stuff can seem like a huge task when in fact it's not.  (Clearly inherited from my mother; in her mind, snubbing out a cigarette can require a handful of firemen.  I often remind her that an ashtray is all she needs -- just for my own mental health.)

4) Makes me suffer from guilt.  When things don't go as planned, that is, when I spend an extra hour relaxing, I feel guilty -- too guilty to even bother getting off my butt.

5) It's not cool to be a perfectionist -- always tense and... just uncool.   I want to be the relaxed, laid-back type with a genuine smile.

Partly got over 3) and 4) but they still come back once in a while.  1) and 2) are the problems I face not just sometimes.  It's kind of ironic that I want to be perfect at not being a perfectionist, but...  I really want to do something about this before I become neurotic or something.

I'm not going to proof-read this, just for a change.

a clean old man

At a sushi restaurant after five hours of microscoping.

R: Hey, you just dropped your rice.  I ignored it the first time AND the second time but I'm not going to let you go this time -- for the benefit of Broccoli.  You better watch out; he's dropping things from his mouth.
T: I didn't drop anything.
R: You do all the time.
Me: And you point it out all the time.
R: So you're okay with all the dropping?
Me: Well, everyone starts dropping things sooner or later.  You get old, that's what happens.
T: I want to be a clean old man.
Me: That's impossible.  Old means unclean.
T: I know. But you know how some old men wear ironed shirts and brush their teeth and all?
R: Of course they brush their teeth.  Who doesn't?
T: People stop brushing their teeth when they start having false teeth.



My grandmother once told me how she had dropped a candy she had been eating on a friend's calligraphy.  She didn't know when it dropped, but it was apparently her candy.  "One of the inconveniency of being old is that you can't keep your mouth shut."

I want to be a clean old woman too.  I actually have a small mouth.  It makes it difficult for me to eat certain types of hamburgers but I wonder if it would give me some kind of advantage in keeping my mouth closed when I become an old woman.

everything you can imagine

 

bones

骨 Bones

死んだあとでも楽しめるように
墓石に点数を彫ろう
前衛的だと君は笑った
たぶんほめてくれてるんだろう

So that I can enjoy myself after I die
I'm going to keep score on my gravestone
"Sounds avant-garde," you chuckled
Probably a compliment

生活や、学問や、あるいは恋において
気まぐれな思い付きが
わたしを立たせている

About life or wisdom or perhaps about love
Random thoughts are what help me stand on my feet

それはまるで骨のように
わたしを通る強い直線
それはまるで骨のように
私を燃やして残るもの

Just like a bone
It's a strong line that penetrates me
Just like bones
They will remain when I'm burned into ashes

生きる間も手抜きせぬように
墓石に点数を彫ろう
受けて立とうと君は笑った
たぶん本気で楽しむんだろう

So that we won't be lazy while we're alive
Let's keep score on our gravestone
"Challenge accpted," you chuckled
You're probably really going to enjoy it

国籍や、性別や、あるいは肌の色や
様々な枠組みが
わたしを作っている

Nationality, sex, or perhaps the color of skin
A variety of framework make me the person I am

それはまるで繭のように
私を守る柔らかな鎧
それはまるで繭のように
わたしを包んで育むもの

Just like a cocoon
It's a soft armer that protects me
Just like a cocoon
It embraces me and lets me grow

後ろめたさを引きずって
楽しめない愚か者
全力で快楽を受け止めて
つぶされずに生きていけるように

Unable to get over guilt
I'm a fool who can't enjoy
Trying to take the pleasure with all my strength
So I can live on without being crushed


I don't know the band.  I just saw them on TV the other night just before snuggling into bed, and thought, wow, I can really relate to this -- in a very... unique way.  Except that I don't keep score on my gravestone. I write a blog instead.

the moment

 いい思い出を作るためじゃない

今のために生きよう

fishing

Woke up at 3:30AM and went fishing.  Still feel like floating on the raft.

It's amazing how beautiful a fish can look.  Those you see at supermarkets, they're dead: their eyes are dead, their bodies don't shine.  But when you look at them when they've just come out of the water, they look beautiful.  The way their bodies reflect the sunshine, the vivid color of their fins, the unique patterns, the bulging eyes, the way they jump and try to live until the last moment.  It sort of reminds you of the fact that humans are the only creatures that commit suicide.  In the natural world, you're obliged to live.  It's a strict rule and therefore beautiful.


(I only caught three or four baby horse mackerels.  This is just a random picture; isn't he cute?)

On a side note, relating to what we've been studying at school, I saw a parasite crawling out of a fish's mouth.  It was pretty big, considering the size of the fish. 

capsules in love

It's a holiday and it was sunny and all I did was read a pathology textbook and watch House and go to the supermarket and do yoga.

House is actually one of the best TV series I've ever seen.  In the last episode of the 1st season, House is asked to treat his ex-girlfriend's husband.  He's not over her, and he finds it difficult to be his usual self - cold, distant, and unemotional.  Somewhere in his head, he even hopes the husband will die.  But in the end, he fulfills his duty as a doctor.  The girlfriend comes to thank him, and admits she's not over him either.  "You're always going to be the one.  But with you, I was lonely.  With Mark, there's room for me."

Five years ago, I thought I would ever understand this kind of complicated feelings, but I was wrong.  It was sort of like when you realize the depth of a song you used to sing when you were a kid without even caring much about the lyrics.

A couple of weeks ago I went to a concert with a friend.  My friend said she wondered why people so often sang about love.  "There's more to life, isn't there?"  True.  We go through our life gathering all kinds of experiences along the way.  Love is just one of them.

But it's actually pretty obvious why we're destined to be love-addicts, or more precisely, attracted to sex, and have even made it an object of art.  (I mean, it's pretty amazing when you think about all the highly regarded smutty classics that have been created all over the world.)

It's all because our bodies and minds are basically just tools to pass on our genes to the next generation. The reason our genes design all these proteins that make our body function the way they do is because they always need a capsule that can create a new capsule where they can live on.  Which, by the way, actually means that our genes take great care of our body to help us live up to the age where we're biologically ready to reproduce, but after we reach that point, our genes start getting lazy -- they don't really care what happens to our body now because they most likely already have a new capsule to live in.

rights

May 3rd is Constitution Day in Japan.  Revision to the constitution has been a hot issue lately, but in general, I think the Japanese people are pretty much indifferent about the constitution.  Human rights are taken for granted, and people who claim their rights are regarded as selfish, unlike in English speaking countries where the word 'right' means correct.  In Japanese, the word right (権利 kenri) includes what stands for 'benefit' -- a character that is sometimes included in words with a negative image (e.g. 利己的=selfish).

Throughout the Japanese history, there has never been a revolution in which the people fought for their rights.  The current constitution was 'given' from the GHQ after WWII when Japan was still under America's control.  Human rights were always given instead of being fought for.  And consequently, people literally just sit on their rights and freedom.  I wonder how much of the population even know that the constitution is what protects us from the state power.

But apparently, it wasn't like that when the constitution was first established.  Women were counted as humans for the first time.  People were excited.  New born babies were named after the word 'constitution' (憲法kenpo).

weird

we are all a little weird and life's a little weird

and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours,

we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love