same results, different meaning

Yesterday, I went to the movies with a couple of friends and watched Life of Pi after our immunology test.  It wasn't that interesting or thrilling but I liked the first part; the story about how Picin got his name and how he remembered the circular constant to impress his classmates and teachers in order to make them call him Pi instead of making fun of him.  It was also heartwarming to see little Pi believe in several religions at the same time - he would thank Visnu for guiding him to Christ who introduces him to the Muslims.

The setting was intriguing too; Pi had no choice but to witness the law of the jungle on a small life boat, and watching him think of all the ways to survive with the tiger was exciting.  I liked the scene where Pi runs out of food and reluctuntly kills a fish - he cries in guilt and gratitude.  The image of the sea and sky at night time was beautiful with the shining fishes.

But the adventure is a bit repetitive and I sort of started hoping he would be saved soon.  He was eventually saved on the shores of Mexico.  But the story didn't end there.  Pi had another story to tell.  He had told us how the zebra and the orangutan had been killed by the hyena and how the hyena had been killed by the tiger, but he tells us another story in which the sailor, the cook, his mother and him get on the life boat.  We all notice that the zebra is the sailor, the cook the hyena, his mother the orangutan, and Pi the tiger.

Pi then says: the result is the same; I lost my family and I was the only survivor of the shipwreck - which story was better?

I didn't get it.  So was the latter the real story?  Was this movie all about transforming a tragic story into a story of adventure?  Is that how Indians talk?  Or was the whole time he spent with the tiger a metaphor of a conflict within himself?  I got the impression that he had really drifted on the ocean with the tiger but who knows?  

But I was convinced when Pi said that life meant letting go of everything.

I was watching a variety show about love today while I was drying my hair after shower.  They were talking about the chemical/biological trick of eternal love - dopamine, oxytocin, physical contact, salsa...

But then a "love counselor" called Rachel Greenwald was asked to watch a video of a Japanese girl and point out why she couldn't find a boyfriend.  She made it seem like it was a huge problem that the girl was too busy buying a pack of tofu at the supermarket that she missed the guy who passed just by her.  "She should've asked the guy which tofu is the best."  Well, she was probably too busy buying a pack of tofu because she came to the supermarket to buy a pack of tofu.  And she knows which tofu she wants.

But Greenwald kept pointing out all the "big mistakes" and the message I got was that if you really wanted a boyfriend, you had to be desperate, or in other words, accept sacrifice.

And that made me think.  Because I think it's true that in most cases, we have to let go or give up something in order to get what we want.  But if I had to choose between these two extreme scenarios:

Never finding a match after all the sacrifice - no time for hobbies, or even dreams I want to pursue - and regretting having sacrificed so many things,

  and

Accomplishing nothing despite the fact that I sacrificed all the time to meet men to do what I want

the latter seems better.  The result is the same; I end up with nothing; no partner, no dream/hobby/etc. accomplished.  But being desperate for my own dream and failing would probably leave me with a sense of pride/satisfaction, while being desperate for someone/someone's love and failing would just make me miserable.

Then again, I guess it's also sometimes difficult to find what you really want to do in your life other than finding someone who you love and loves you back. It was a surprise to me that women all over the world were diligent readers of Greenwald's books, but maybe it's sometimes nice to hear it's okay to become desperate for men. -- You don't have to work so hard for your dream; you don't have to look for a hobby that makes you shine. It's right to be desperate to find someone who will give you everything. I don't know if that's what she says in her books, but maybe all that could feel comforting when/if I become tired of life.

In the end, we have to let go of everything.  We can't always choose the best story with the best meaning.  So it's good to know any scenario will do.

reading

The other night, I met up with my friends and we talked about novels at one point.  One guy said he never read novels - he only reads "parts of textbooks".  He said he was never moved by anything, or at least he couldn't remember any moments like that, which sounds horrible, but I didn't feel sorry for him at all.  He's always a bit too realistic but he really is a happy nice guy who wouldn't mind driving more than two hours to go see a friend's basketball match the day before a fairly important exam.  And he's the kind of guy who comes to school late because of bad hangovers and still gets As all the time.

He's good at drawing and likes wasting money on "UFO catcher" games. He used to be a pharmacist and used to study drugs for breast cancer. He isn't "into breasts" anymore because he saw too many of them. He takes home fried chickens in his pocket when he's drunk and lies down on the school bench when he has a horrible hangover. He doesn't have a father but has a black cat called Moon. His nose bleeds every few months, and he can't wash dishes without gloves on because he's allergic to dish washing liquid. He's skinny and tall and has a funny haircut that sort of makes him look like a mushroom.

If you remember the Right Arm Peel Incident when A decided to peel the right arm with K and asked me to do the left arm - the side which was sort of twisted - the guy who tried to help me was him. He came over and said he was a "professional" when it came to holding arms in the right position, but I was almost finished and was really tired so I ended up telling him it was too late. But he really is a decent guy. He can be super lazy but he's a really warm and kind person.  And of course there's nothing wrong with being lazy (as long as it's not when he's operating on me).

Either way, reading means so much in my life.  I couldn't really imagine a life without reading but I guess my friend proves that life can still go on without reading.

sexiness

 

Sexiness is not about the size of your boobs; it's not about the length of your legs; it's not about your looks.

It's about how you think, what you can do, and what you give.

It's about how you live your life. 

learning a foreign language

The other day, a friend told me that in the future, people wouldn't have to study foreign languages anymore because there would be translator robots.

I felt sad when I thought about that kind of future.  I think you can never say you know a culture without learning its language.  When you learn a language, you learn a new culture; you learn to look at the world in a different light - you find another side of yourself.

One of my favorite Japanese words is お疲れ様(otsukaresama).  疲れ(tsukare) means exhausation/tiredness; お(o) and 様(sama) are used to show respect.  So the literal translation might be "I respect your exhaustion" which translates to "I respect your hard work".

We use it in various situations - not only after a long day's work but also during the day.  I think it shows how the Japanese culture values hard work and how people appreciate/respect it.

On the other hand, a couple of months ago when I was asked what my favorite English phrase was, what came up first in my mind was "I hope life has been treating you well."

The literal translation in Japanese would sound really awkward - in Japanese, life doesn't treat you in any way; you always have to 頑張る(gambaru=work hard) to live a better life.  I think I like this English phrase because it sort of sounds like no matter what's happening now in your life, it's not your fault - it's just that "life" has been treating you badly.

I actually find it interesting that my favorites kind of have the opposite approach towards life - well, at least according to my interpretation.

It's pretty nice to be able to think about life in two different ways through two different languages.

pile

いつも人格者でいることはできません。

でも、善を積むということはとても大事なことなのです。

マイレージを貯めるようなものです。

時には貯めてきたポイントがすべて消えてしまうこともあります。

その時は、また始めるのです。

You can't always be a man of character.

But it's important to try and pile up some good deeds.

It's sort of like counting your mileage.

Sometimes you have a bad day and you blow everything up.

Then you start again. 

my other half

When I first learned this term, I thought it was very romantic.  I sort of liked it when couples said they "completed each other".  I imagined numerous incomplete pieces - maybe something like jigzaw puzzle pieces - floating around, and when two specific pieces met, they completed a beautiful picture.

But yesterday when my friend asked me if I ever "depended" on my boyfriend mentally, I said I'd rather not.  I explained that I actually didn't want to date anyone if I didn't feel complete on my own.  If I were going through a tough time and lacked self-confidence, I would probably choose someone out of desperateness in order to make myself feel better.

It's been a year since I broke up with my ex boyfriend but when I did, I sort of realized that I didn't like him that much.  I never had in the first place.  I wouldn't say it could've been anyone; I did like him and there were moments I dreaded losing him.

But it probably didn't have to be him.

At the time I started dating him, I didn't know what I wanted to do in my life, everything seemed dull, and I worried a lot about my future.  I needed someone to lean on, and my ex happened to be there.  When I finally found what I wanted to do, I broke up (which was a bit ironic because without him, I may not have found my dream).  Of course there were other reasons but if I hadn't decided to apply for med school, I might have clung on to the relationship.

When I broke up, I told myself that I would never date anyone when I didn't feel complete on my own.  If I felt complete and still wanted to be with someone, I will know that I truly like him.  Each of us will be a complete piece, but we would make a better picture together.

My friend said it sounded really idealistic, that people most likely fell for one another when they felt incomplete.  I know.  And I don't mean to say I wouldn't accept or appreciate any kind of support.  When/if I find my "other half", I will probably know either way.  I still like it when people refer to their partner as their "other half".  Because in the end, no matter how independent you are, I guess you can't avoid feeling incomplete alone if you're together for so long.

But for now, I think I want to prove myself that I can stand on my own feet without a wall to lean on.

leaving your body to science?

Just a month ago when my anatomy class ended, I took a brief note about some of the incidents I remembered.  I found it today and saw things in a slightly different light - some of our insensitive comments made me wince - but it was a very fresh and honest account so I thought I might as well share it in case some people who stumble upon this blog are wondering how their bodies are going to be treated if they leave it to science, or more specifically, medical students.  (But the below only describes a part of what we did; I'll probably skip some of the process and there were parts of the body I hardly got involved in in the first place.)



1. Meeting the corpse

I just started studying medicine two weeks ago.  It's been a few days since I started peeling human skin.  The first thing I noticed when we saw him come out of the refrigerator was that he was an old man.  He was wrapped up in a plastic bag but I could sort of tell from the silhouette.  He was stiff and heavy.  His legs lay apart around his knee and he had eight toes - five on the left, three on the right.  I couldn't look at his face at first; it was more shocking than I had expected to touch a dead man.  We will probably never know why or when he died.  His cranium was cut open and sewn, and there was something - most likely the remnant of his brain - coming out.  It got onto my hand when we carried him to our table... I could feel it right through my gloves.  The smell of formalin was pretty strong but there was a slightly fishy, fatty smell that made me feel sick for the first few hours.


2. Shaving and peeling

But as we shaved his body (he had some hair left on his head too!) and went on to peel his skin on the posterior side, I got used to it eventually, and could look at his face too.  His whole body sort of resembled that of my grandpa who died this month 12 years ago.  But when I said it aloud, everyone else said they didn't want to relate the corpse with anyone they knew.  My friend N (outside school) said he couldn't see why we would be able to not give him a name when we were going to work with him almost every day for more than three months, but right now, I can't imagine anyone giving him a name.

After class though, we went to a nearby steakhouse and ate as we talked about the corpse.  The dessert sort of tasted like formalin.

As for the peeling, the area around the neck was especially difficult since the skin was stiff and thick. It's also tiring to peel the arms and hands because they've become stiff in a funny position - you sort of have to twist your body to peel.  Tip: use the back of the knife - skin comes off neatly.

By the way, we kept the skin and sort of dressed the corpse with it every time the class was over.


3. Finding nerve fibers / Dissecting the brain and muscles

So... I haven't written in a while, but we're done with the peeling now.  We're working on the brain and muscles.  We cut the brain into pieces last week.  Cutting the cerebellum felt like cutting cheese - sort of.  We're also doing veins and arteries and nerves too.  Nerves look like collagen fibers and collagen fibers look like nerves so it's really confusing and frustrating.  The femur is probably the least complex part of the body.  The veins are large and you can find a lot of things around the inguinal area.  N asked if I was happy when I found the spermatic cord but I actually was because I had been looking for it for an hour.  I'd never seen a spermatic cord in my life but when I followed the two veins (which I initially thought were arteries leading to the cord) and finally saw it, I knew it was what I was looking for.  It's sort of like a never ending treasure hunting.  You dig with tweezers and you sometimes find nothing after hours...

The guy still hasn't been given a name.  In fact, the more I work with him, the less I feel emotional about him - it seems like he's just a dead body.  Of course it was once someone's body.  It was someone's son, and someone's dad.  But now... it's just an empty capsule.

Since we didn't have enough time, we started dissecting muscles when we weren't quite finished with nerves; but that seemed like a good idea because we could see fibers coming out of muscles and we knew those were nerves and not collagen fibers.  Our grandpa (we (or I) started calling the corpse grandpa around this time) had large beautiful red muscles.

We tried to treat each body part as gently as possible but we sort of ended up grabbing and pulling at the skin and muscles since we were so desperate to get things done in time.  I once had my fingers digging under the gluteus muscle all day; we had to find four muscles beneath it.

Cutting the cerebrum felt like cutting ...mushroom.  Since it's a clump of fibers, it almost sort of tears when you dig the right way.  The famous parts such as the hypothalamus, pituitary gland, and brain stem were all so small - unbelievably small if you think about what they are doing in your body.

No one used to touch their instruction papers while touching the corpse but everyone got used to it in the end; no one cared much about the paper getting soaked in "brain juice" at this point.  It's just formalin anyway.


4. Dissecting the organs

I was mainly in charge of the digestive organs - they were packed in the abdominal cavity with barely any space left.  We cut the blood vessels and took them all out.  The intestine was very long; when I cut it open it went on forever.  And the blood vessels at the jejunum/ilium - they were almost like a spider's web; picking the mesentery off was pretty exhausting (it's totally monkey task - you learn so little).  Tip: have someone hold the rest of the group of organs when you're washing off what's inside the intestine; that way you can avoid having everything getting covered in green poop (with little pieces of carrots and corns).

Other members cut the rib and took out the heart and lungs.  Some people got pretty attached to the organs they were in charge of - some enjoyed "bathing" their heart in formalin.


5. Spending Christmas with the corpse

Most people went away for winter vacation but we decided to spend our Christmas with our grandpa.  We dissected the kidneys and the ureters, and started taking off the head (tip: find the dens), while some people "picked" the anus and peeled the skin off the genital.


6. Cutting the spine

We used a saw.  It's like cutting hard wood.  The neck part was pretty easy but the lumbar area was tough - it wouldn't move at all and it took three sweating students (the lab was freezing cold) to take the last bit of spine off.  We cut the ganglion and took out the spinal cord; it was sort of like a miniature of what I'd imagined.


7. Dissecting the rest of the organs / putting things back

The last part of the body I dissected was the genital which made me feel a bit sentimental - for a moment, it reminded me of his children and it sort of made me wonder about his whole life for some reason.

When we were done with our exam, we put things back inside the body.  I felt a bit nostalgic when I put the brain back into his skull, but everyone else was just tired so we did it in a hurry.


8. Saying goodbye

The sky was an amazing blue and the weather was great.  Some of the members of the group came in with an awful hangover.  We put the corpse (wrapped in white cloth) into the coffin and cleaned the lab.

I heard some families didn't come to pick up the corpse even after a week, which I thought was sad, but I guess it's not only people who're loved that die.  Everyone dies in the end.



In short, we might've not been the greatest students.  But we had a great experience and I'm sure every student is grateful of it.  The students around me were never particularly emotional or sentimental about the corpse; it was just a corpse after all, but we definitely learned a lot (I didn't really write about the technical stuff but for example, right before we put the heart back in for the last time, I had a chance to touch it again and stick my finger inside the aorta. I felt a dead end (the aortic valve) right away, but when I stuck my finger from the other side of the valve, my finger went through - which shows that the valve works to prevent backward flow).

My mom used to say she would leave her body to medicine if I ever got into med school.  Now she says she definitely will.  I joked that she would only cause trouble to the students considering all the fat they would have to remove.

Either way, I know the students will not always be respectful of her body; to them, it's going to be just a corpse of an unknown woman.  I know that when I pick her up, I wouldn't be able to recognize her face (NOT because the students will be too cruel but because the dissection of the face is part of the program).  But if she really wants to donate her body, I would accept her will.  Because I also know the students will gain a lot, and maybe one of them would take the time to think about her life and write about the great dissecting experience on his/her blog.

departures

I told my mom about how I felt when anatomy was finally over and we put the corpse in the coffin - some of the other groups had special coffins prepared by the family but ours was a plain box prepared by the school which was a bit too small for our grandpa, and that made me sad etc. etc.  She told me I had to see this movie now and sent it to me the other day.

It's a Japanese film about a cellist who ends up working as a "noukanshi" - a person who helps the dead prepare for their departure.  They're in charge of a ritual in which they wipe the corpse, dress them in nice kimonos and put them in a coffin - all done in front of the family during the funeral.

While the protagonist starts to like his job after the initial shock, everyone around him thinks it's a disgusting job.  They, however, eventually change their mind when they face the death of their loved ones.  The protagonist comes over for the funeral, and as they see him help the dead prepare for their final departure - with all the make up and dressing up - they start to have a new feeling about the job, and probably about death itself.

This incident reminded me of a specific incident during anatomy.  When I first found myself being scared and shocked to see the corpse, I told myself that it was someone's husband/dad/granddad instead of just a creepy dead body, and that really helped me calm down.

I guess we usually think of death as something unpleasant and creepy - something that has little to do with this side of the world we live in, but when someone close dies, we realize the obvious - that everyone dies in the end.

Some people might say the whole ritual is a waste of money and time since the dead is, after all, dead, but I got the impression that it was for the people left behind.  They probably find the time and chance to say their final goodbyes when they see the dead prepare for their departure.

In case anyone's interested, the original title "Okuri-bito" means "a person(=bito=hito)" who "sends / says goodbye(=okuru)".

オーケストラのチェロ奏者としての職を失った主人公が納棺師になる話。解剖実習後の納棺で思ったことを母に話したところ、「おくりびと」を見るべきだといって送ってくれた。

生理学のレポートをわきに置いてやっと見終わらせた。

ホルマリン漬けにされたご遺体との初対面の時はぞっとした。だから、初仕事で主人公が思わず吐き散らすシーンも、その後、銭湯で神経質に体を洗うシーンも、夕飯時に生の鶏肉を見て再び吐くのも、なんとなくリアルだった。私たちは、解剖実習初日の夕飯でさえがっつりハンバーグを食べに行ったけれど、さすがに生肉は見たくないよね、と話しながら食べたのを思い出した。

そしてもう一つ思い出したのは、実習初日、ご遺体を見て、つい気味が悪い、怖いと思ってしまったときに、目の前のご遺体が、自分が知らない誰かの父親、あるいは祖父、あるいは夫であったことを思うことで、何となく安心できたこと。

映画の中で、当初、納棺師という職業に対して、主人公の妻や友人をはじめ、多くの人が偏見を抱いている。でも、銭湯のおばあちゃん（友人の母親で、主人公の妻も会話を交わしたことがある人物）の死に際して、主人公が納棺の儀式を行うことを機に、友人も妻も、主人公を偏見の目で見なくなる。そもそも、主人公が、納棺という仕事への警戒心を解くきっかけになったのも、涙を流す家族の前で行われる納棺の儀式に立ち会った時だった。

つまりそういうことなのだ、と思った。

フツウ、私たちは、死を、死人を、私たちが生きる生の世界とは反対側にある「気味が悪いもの」であると認識しているけれど、自分に近い人間や、生前の姿を知る人物の死に接すると、いつもは他人事の「死」が自分が生きる日常の一部として見えてくるのだ。

いつかはこうして自分も死ぬ。死体になって、腐って、土にかえる。当たり前の生命のサイクルだけれど、悲しみとともに突きつけられて初めて少し理解できるのかもしれない、と思った。

ところで、故人を「おくる」という儀式、これは故人本人のため、というより、残された者のための儀式なのだな、と思った。父が亡くなった時には、自ら棺を選んで気持ちのいい布団に寝かせてやりたいと、一週間たった今でも思うけれど、結局のところ、それはもはや父にとっては、もしかしたらまったく意味のないことで、ただ送る側の私がそうしたい、というだけのことなのだ。

でも、それはとても重要なことで、残された者が、悔いのないお別れができるように納棺師がお手伝いするように、医師も旅立つ患者さんだけでなく、その家族へも当然配慮しなければならないのだ、と思った。だからこそ、１時間を超す心臓マッサージが必要なこともあるのだろう。（今日はBLSの授業で心臓マッサージの方法を学び、ご家族の意思によっては、無駄だとわかっていても心臓マッサージを続けなければならない場合があると聞いた。）

「おくりびと」は、死を描く作品にはありがちなラストで、最後は主人公夫婦が新たな生命を授かる一方で、主人公は自らの父親をおくる、という筋書きになっている。しかも、３０年ぶりの再会で、手に強く握られていた石を介して父親の最後の心境を知るという設定も手伝ってずいぶん感動的な仕上がりになっている。

ここでも強く意識させられるのは、死は生の反対ではなく、その一部なのだ、ということ。

たびたび映る、ハクチョウが湖から飛び立つシーンが印象的だった。将来、多くの人を見送ることになるかもしれないけれど、より多くの人たちが、あのハクチョウたちのように青空に向かって気持ちよく旅立てるようにお手伝いできればいいなと思った。

volcano island

We still have two tests and two papers to write, but we went to the island this afternoon after visiting the ICU. It's an island with an active volcano - the reason we have ashes falling in the mainland. It's not really an island anymore because a big eruption that occured 100 years ago sort of bridged the island and the peninsula. The volcano erupted three or four times while we were there. It's actually pretty exciting to hear the sound, but when that happens, a huge gray cloud spreads over the sky and eventually, ashes come falling down like rain. The weather was great and it was almost sunset when we arrived so the sea was beautiful and the whole scenery looked sort of illusory when the thin layer of cloud hid the sun.

It even felt strange that we were at the ICU just an hour before. When we came back on the ferry, we had to go to a party for the seniors who passed the license test. I was actually extremely sleepy and I wanted to go home so I'm just very happy now that I'm finally back home!

why do we have to...

どうして頑張らなきゃいけないの？

昼ご飯を食べながらテレビを見ていたら、カナダで自給自足生活を送る青年の姿を追った番組をやっていた。

彼に言わせると、働いて、お金もらって、スーパーに行って食材を買うのは手間。
野菜が必要なら自分で作ればいい。家が必要なら、いちいち金をためて、他人に金を払って作ってもらうのではなく、自分で建てればいい。

なるほど。

サッカー選手になる夢に破れて世界を旅してみて、日本でいうところの「常識」に疑問を抱くようになった。旅をした先では、みんなもっと適当に生きていた。これでいいんだ、と気が楽になった。働いてお金を稼ぐことの意味を考えさせられた。

なるほど。

でもたぶん、自給自足のその日暮らしをしていた昔の人たちは不自由を感じたから、今の社会を作ったのだ。

私はワインを作るのが得意だけど、パンを作るのは苦手。お隣さんは逆。だったら、お互い得意なものを作って交換しましょう。その方がワインもパンもたくさん作れる。そんなノリで始まった分業。そのうち、物々交換より、通貨があった方が便利だと気付いて労働の対価として金銭が支払われるようになり、人々は未来の自分のために貯金をするようになった。そのうち、いろんな社会制度も出来上がった。医療保険制度に年金制度。

でも、安心料が心の負担になることも多い今の社会。

その日暮らしの不自由さから解放されるためにいろいろ頑張ったのに、結局その日暮らしをしている人たちの方がのんきで、幸せな生活をしているとしたら、なんという皮肉。

青年は、自分の人生に迷いはない、と言っていた。それを聞いた番組司会者は、そのように言い切れる若者が日本にどれだけいるだろうか、と言っていた。

でも…カナダで暮らすあの青年はいざとなったら森の中で野垂れ死にする覚悟があるのだろうか。

私にはないな。金儲けの意味など考えもせずに、ストレスに押しつぶされそうになりながら、社会の荒波にもまれて、迷いながらがむしゃらに頑張るのもいいと思う。自分が育てた泥つきオーガニック野菜をのんびり食べるより泥臭い人生かもしれないけれど、そんな人生も捨てたもんじゃないと思う。

青年の父親が、息子が社会に出る機会がないまま自給自足生活に入ってしまったことを微妙に気にしていたけれど、やはり、歯を食いしばって家族のために働いてきた人間には息子のような生き方はどこまで行ってもふざけてるように映るのかもしれないと思った。

そもそも、なんで歯を食いしばらなきゃいけないの？

そんな息子の声が聞こえてきそうだけど。

finding latvia

今日は日本×ラトビア。
サッカー好きの友人Tが昨日、ラトビアがどこにあるか聞いてきた理由がわかった。
誰かがアフリカのどこかだというのを聞いて、それはリビアではないかと思った私。
ラトビアは東欧のイメージがあるけど、というと、スウェーデンみたいな？とT。
それは北欧では？

たぶん、去年私の周りにいた人たちの大半はラトビアを知っていた。

一方でラトビアを知らない世界に生きる人たち。彼らの世界はまた、私が知らないものであふれている。

まったく違う世界を生きてきた人たちが医学を共通項に集まる。学士編入ならではだと思う。

There's a soccer match today between Japan and Latvia.  The reason why my classmate T asked me where Latvia was.  Someone said it was in Africa.  Well, that's probably Libya (it sounds kind of similar in Japanese).  When I said Latvia was somewhere in Eastern Europe, T asked if it was anywhere near Sweden.  Well, Sweden's Northern Europe.

The majority of people around me last year probably knew where Latvia was.

But here, people don't.  They live in a world with a map without Latvia but full of things I don't know.

There are many worlds in this world.

dignity

「人間の尊厳」

日本の医療は病気ばかり見て人間を診ていない。今日の実習で訪れた病院の先生が訴えていたことを一言で言うなら、そういうことだと思う。

私たちはがんを怖い病気だと思う。死にたくないから。 でも、がん告知を受けた患者さんが考えるのは、治療費のことだったり、仕事のことだったり、子供のご飯のことだったり、残される家族のこと。がんでも自分らしく生きたいし、社会に必要とされる存在でありたい。

つまり、死だけが問題なのではない。

脳疾患で倒れたり、交通事故にあったり、命は取り留めても障害が残った場合。言葉が出てこない、わからない、働けない、炊事ができない、掃除ができない、歩けない、排尿排便がコントロールできない…　自分はこれでも人間なのか、こんなことなら死にたい、そう思いながら生きなければならないとしたら。

それでも尊厳を持って人間らしく生きるにはどうすればいいのか。

リハビリの様子を見学したときに、先生は多くの患者さんが水色のストライプの「囚人服」を着させられていることを批判した。欧米では、色鮮やかな洋服でリハビリをし、スーツを着て車いすに乗っていると。

障害があると、あきらめなければならないことがたくさんある。
でも、あきらめなくてもいいこともある。人間らしく生きる方法はどんな状況下でもあるのだ。

先生が最初に私たちに言ったのは、歴史を勉強しなさい、ということだった。差別の歴史を知って、人間は決して素晴らしいものではないと知ることは重要であると。


今は何でもできる、何にでもなれる自由な時代だけれど、自由とは、長い歴史の中でようやく勝ち取られた理念、哲学で、平等、博愛などの概念も数千年かけて生み出されてきたものである。 だから、私たちはそれらを大切にして、維持しなければならない。自由なんか、明日なくなるかもしれないのだ。

なぜなら、ヒットラー自身は一人も殺さなかったのに多くの人命が奪われた。人間は上からの指示、命令に弱い。だからこそ、独立独歩の精神を持たなければならない。

universityはそもそも世界の人々に尽くすために勉強する場所である。
人間はいろんな問題に向き合うことで生き生きと生きられる。

御年７１歳。背筋がしゃんとした白衣姿、チャーリーブラウン柄（？）のネクタイ、眼鏡の奥の大きな目、しっかりした滑舌が印象的な先生だった。