masochism

I have a couple of things about the Japanese that make me wonder.  One of them is the tendency towards masochism, though I'm not sure if this is the right word.

A couple of months ago, a high school student committed suicide due to physical punishment from a teacher.  He was the captain of a basketball team and had been physically punished occasionally.  I was surprised that there were more than a few students who were defensive of the teacher - they said the punishment had come from love; it was because of the teacher's coaching that the basketball team had managed to participate in the national tournament.  Wow.

It reminded me of when I used to do kendo: the practice was super tough (especially during the summer time when we had to practice with heavy protectors on when the gymnasium would be near 40 degrees) and we weren't allowed to stop even when we felt sick.  Because the purpose of the practice was to

1. endure pain and gain patience
2. endure pain and gain mental strength
3. endure more pain and gain confidence
4. and "reach beyond our limits"

Of course we practiced to become better at kendo but that wasn't the major purpose, or it might've been, but the way we practiced was not really rational in that sense.  I mean, 1~4 is obviously based on the idea that physical strength comes from mental strength.  Patience has always been the key element of kendo practice, but still when you're sick and the only purpose of continuing the practice becomes tolerating pain, you don't learn anything technical - it almost becomes a physical punishment.  After all, we're being hit with bamboo sticks in the first place.

It was amazing how students in the kendo club would keep practicing until they had to throw up or develop hyperventilation - something I might now call self-bullying.  What's even more amazing is that I was one of the students who sort of liked the tough practice.  I sometimes had stomachaches before practices and couldn't even sleep before camps, but the great satisfaction I felt after all the self-bullying was somewhat addictive.  Or maybe I feared the regret I would have to endure if I didn't do my best, and the best meant practicing until my end of strength.

So it makes me wonder if the samurai spirit has anything to do with the fact that we are known as diligent workers.  The Japanese culture probably values hard work more than any other culture - hard work has always been regarded as virtue.  And I actually still like it.

But it also sometimes makes me wonder if the samurai spirit has anything to do with the sometimes positive attitude towards physical punishment.

ex

When I was heading for the station today, I realized that a cafe had closed.  It was where I had met my ex last before he returned to the States.  When I said I was busy studying for my coming exams, he said he didn't mind coming to my nearest station.  We ordered hot drinks and talked about our respective future plans.  I asked him if he had enjoyed his time in Japan.  It was raining outside.

He was probably my first love - the first person I ever cried over.  I still think I might've been in love with love, or that I just wanted someone to lean on; maybe it didn't have to be him.  I don't know.  But I did like him a lot.

Maybe he didn't see it because I was never ready to sleep with him.  I still remember how I felt he was being sarcastic when I asked if he didn't feel my love in the texts I sent him.

We had our first fight towards the end of the relationship.  We were walking up the stairs - the one that leads to the JR ticket barrier at the Shinjuku south exit. It was Christmas but I was pissed off from the moment we got together (for several good reasons) and although things did get better after we had dinner, we got into a small fight.  I thought he lacked respect; he thought I was being persistent.  And it made him so uncomfortable that he said he had to go home to skype his mom. He always had to skype his mom. Which was something I honestly liked about him until that moment...  Well actually, I think he said he had to skype his mom even before we got into the fight, but anyway, that was the last time I met him while we were dating.

It was four months later that he decided to return to America and sent me a text so we could meet up.  After we left the cafe, I walked him to the station and we exchanged our final farewells.  No hug, no tears.  I didn't even recall how I was embarrassed when he suddenly hugged me on the platform after our first date.

Fast forward another ten months and the cafe had been closed.  Nothing except for the shop sign was left.  The buzzing of people, the smell of coffee, the colorful cupcakes, the music from the stereo, the guitar players sitting outside - all that had once been there had disappeared.  And I felt slightly sad and nostalgic as I hastily walked by the building this morning just like I had done so many times.

It's amazing how time flies.  How memories pile up and weathers.

tokyo

It's always nice to be back home.  It's nice to see the crowd.
I usually don't like it but when you're living in a desolate place where you hardly ever meet anyone on the streets, it's kind of nice to see all the people swarming.  It's almost like you can hear the city breathing.

life

living in the moment

I liked this song the moment I heard it!

If this life is one act
Why do we lay all these traps
We put them right in our path
When we just wanna be free

この人生が一つの劇だとして
なぜこんなに多くの罠を仕掛けてしまうんだろう
自分が歩む道の真ん中に
本当は自由になりたいだけなのに

I will not waste my days
Making up all kinds of ways
To worry about all the things
That will not happen to me

あれもこれもといろいろ心配して日々を無駄にするのはやめよう
だって結局そんなこと起きないんだから

So I just let go of what I know I don't know
And I know I'll only do this by

どうせ分からないことはとりあえず置いとこう
これしか方法はないってわかってるから

Living in the moment
Living our life
Easy and breezy
With peace in our mind
With peace in my heart
Peace in my soul
Where ever I'm going
I'm already home
Living in the moment

今を生きる
自分の人生を
気楽に、楽しく
心穏やかに
どこへ行こうとも
家にいるように穏やかに
今を生きる

I'm letting myself off
the hook for things I've done
I let my past go past
And now I'm having more fun

やってしまったことは忘れることにしよう
過去は過去として
そしたらもっと楽しくなった

I'm letting go of the thoughts
that do not make me strong
And I believe this way can
be the same for everyone

考えるのはやめよう
それで強くなれるわけじゃないなら
これはみんな同じなんじゃないかな

And if I fall asleep
I know you'll be the one who'll always remind me

僕が寝てしまったら
君が僕に思い出させてくれる

To live in the moment
To live my life
Easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
With peace in my heart
Peace in my soul
Where ever I'm going
I'm already home

今を生きることを
僕の人生を生きることを
気楽に、楽しく
心穏やかに
どこへ行こうとも
家にいるように穏やかに

I can't walk through life
facing backwards
I have tried
I tried more than once to just make sure
And I was denied
the future I'd been searching for
But I spun around and hurt no more

人生は後ろを向いて進むことはできない
試してみたけど
一度以上試したんだ、念のために
そしたら探していた未来はなかった
でも前を向いてみたら、もう辛くなかった

By living in the moment
Living my life
Easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
With peace in my heart
Peace in my soul
Where ever I'm going
I'm already home

今を生きれば
自分の人生を生きれば
気楽に、楽しく
心を穏やかにして
どこへ行こうとも
家にいるように穏やかに

I'm living in the moment
I'm living my life
Just taking it easy
With peace in my mind
I got peace in my heart
I got peace in my soul
Oh where ever I'm going
I'm already home
I'm living in the moment

今を生きてる
自分の人生を生きてる
気楽に、楽しく
心穏やかに
どこへ行こうとも
家にいるように穏やかに
僕は今を生きてる

challange from 89

Fauja Singha, an Indian man of English nationality started running at age 89 when he lost his wife and son.  He ran a full Marathon twice - when he was 100 years old and 101 years old.  Apparently, he's a retired runner now but when he was asked how elderlies in Japan could be like him, he answered he walked and jogged 16km every day.  Not exactly what every 100 year old can do...

I wouldn't advise my grandma to run 16km but I should tell her about this Sikhist.  It's amazing that he turned his sorrow into something positive.

be who you are

Be who you are and say what you feel,because those who matter won't mind,

and those who mind DON'T MATTER!