Yesterday, I had a role playing class in which I had to play the role of a doctor who had to persuade his unconfident patient to work on losing weight (because the physical checkup showed that she had borderline DMII and metabolic syndrome).
To be honest, I was a bit shocked when I saw the demonstration weeks ago. We were first told to praise the patient for writing his own self-monitoring sheet and to show appreciation for his every effort. Doctors should never deny what the patient says (we just accept it and nod with an understanding attitude) and we patiently suggest what might be a good method for the unmotivated patient to lose weight while he complains why he is unable to do such and such. This all seemed too much to me. I mean, we're talking about the patient's own health! Why does the doctor have to show appreciation? It's first and foremost the patient's responsiblity. I'm really interested if this is a very "Japanese" class or if doctors abroad are also expected to treat their patients like "clients".
That said, I am prepared to do whatever it takes for a patient's health. So in yesterday's class, I did exactly what I was told to do, and the supervising doctor pretty much loved my act but commented that he would not want to get in an argument with someone who talked like me. One of my peers told me he wouldn't want to see me next time if he had been the patient and had failed meeting the set goal (which was simply not to lay out snacks in the basket where she could see them). He said he would seriously consider changing hospitals in the case of failure. According to the doctor, I was straightforward, eager, to the point, and was really good at casually cornering the patient into a situation where she could no longer say no. In short, I was talking more like a lawyer than a doctor. I have yet to see my "legal background" come into good use...
So do I consider my previous education a waste? This is not a question I've ever really asked myself because it's nonsense. I am aware that going the long way was partly necessary for a human being like me, and I just happened to pick up a law degree along the way. But of course, if there had been a way to avoid all the twists and turns, I would like to know. I actually asked this question to another blogger who seemed like an efficiency-prioritizing father very much devoted to his son's education:
...But many student do change their mind after entering college. In some cases, they gradually realize what they really want is different from what they had thought they had wanted. So my question is, do you think there is a way to avoid this kind of "mistake" and to know your calling at age 14 or even younger? In other words, is there some kind of formula we can use to lead an "efficient life" without having to go the long way?
He gave me a response that made me realize (again) how lucky I am to have had parents who provided me with good education so I could choose whatever I wanted to do when the time came, but my own question led me to another train of thoughts.
As a child, I never liked memorizing formulas -- I would pretty much obsess over how they came to be and get kind of upset when I didn't understand. But my mother told me I would realize some day that those stuff were not really important in living my life (unless I was some kind of genius who planned to live in academia). If I could pass my exams required to do what I ultimately wanted to do, then it didn't really matter if I fully understood everything. She repeatedly told me my life wouldn't end just because I didn't understand! In fact, life goes on no matter what. Formulas were created by smart people -- boneheads can leave the difficult part to them and just use their legacy without furthur thoughts.
Although our lives can't be determined by a simple math formula, it seems to me like some people are good at living their lives according to a kind of formula. They are flexible and some of them use it in a creative way to lead an efficient and happy life. On the other hand, I'm still not really good at "accepting" an existing formula right away and using it. I have to experience trial and error to confirm that the formula is "right", or maybe it's like I'm trying to create my own formula. Either way, it's not that different from how I used to write down all the thinking process that would lead me to a formula I had learned. It's luxury; it was only possible because I could find the time one way or another -- the time to probe into matters and take them hard. My mother still has to tell me that's not the only way to live a life. "Self cornering is not the only philosophy," she says. "You don't have to be special. Being mediocre is enough. You ask too much from yourself." I totally agree. If I ask less from myself, I would ask less from my patients, and then they wouldn't have to change hospitals just because they can't stick to a small goal.
A formula I should keep in mind: no one is perfect = everyone needs an escape
2014年5月31日土曜日
2014年5月29日木曜日
ocd & perfectionism
If anyone remembers the post about my perfectionism, I am still suffering the same "symptoms" though they have become better gradually. I'm doing psychiatry right now at school and have come to the conclusion that I am a borderline OCD-related perfectionist. When I realized my "symptoms" were OCD-ish the other day, I looked up "OCD and perfectionism" right away, and the articles that came up made me feel like I had finally found someone who understood me. Whenever I looked up perfectionism, the descriptions never felt quite "right", nor did the descriptions of OCD. I don't know why I never linked the two together until now.
Here are some abstracts from the articles:
OCD & Perfectionism
OCD leads you to think too much and this leads you to compulsions. Set a timer and when the alarm goes off, be impulsive and stop what you are doing. Go do something else. Plan ahead so that you know what is next on your schedule. You can say something like: “This will need to be good enough right now. Tomorrow I’ll pick up from here.”
→ I have been trying something similar over and over for the past year!
“Part of who I am is my perfectionism. I’ll lose my identity. I want to continue to achieve, be organized, be detail-oriented, and be determined. I don’t what to change who I am.”
→ I have said this before more than once!
Refocusing on what matters in your life can be helpful. Life is meant to be enjoyed despite mistakes and problems. At the end of the day, what do you really care about? If it is happiness through perfection, you may wish to refocus and resolve that happiness is a state of being and mind. It’s an attitude. You can choose to obsess, redo, and worry. Or you can chose to spend your time on what really matters.
→ This is exactly what I have been saying to myself for the past year!
Perfectionism: Are you sure it pays off?
Perfectionists report that they usually are identified by others as being detail oriented
→ I don't know how many times my parents have told me not to focus on the details!
Everything is Equally Important: Because perfectionists want to do everything well, they have a difficult time prioritizing tasks. All tasks seem equally important, and the same level of detail, effort and energy is brought to all tasks. If you asked a perfectionist to identify some tasks to complete at 100%, some at 80%, and some at 50% they have a difficult time moving tasks out of the 100% category.
→ This is exactly my problem!
if you projected yourself into the future and look back, what would you like for your life to have stood for? What do you want to be remembered for? Based on this then, one begins to form their A list (tasks to be completed at or near 100%), a B list (tasks completed at 80%), a C List (tasks completed at 50%), and an F List (what to let go).
→ Again, I have been trying to do this for the past couple of months!
Repetition Until it Feels/Looks/Sounds “Right”: Because tasks have to be without mistakes and feel/look/sound “right”, perfectionists tend to over edit, review, and repeat compulsively. This behavior is also intermittently reinforced as a teacher or boss will say that it was the best paper/report in the class/office. It is unacceptable for a perfectionist to let others see “rough drafts” or “works in progress”.
→ This is another problem of mine!
OCD and Perfectionism
Finally, unhealthy OCD perfectionism may help to perpetuate obsessions. For instance, like many people with OCD you might believe that you must have complete control over your thoughts. As such, when a bizarre or distressing thought pops intrusively into your mind, you label these thoughts as dangerous because they are out of your control. This causes you to monitor the thought even more closely, which can help to create an obsession.
→ I could never decribe this symptom better!
Practice Giving up Control: As part of cognitive-behavior therapy and/or exposure and response prevention therapy, you may be asked to participate in exercises designed to build your capacity to tolerate a loss of control. This can involve being prevented from checking something or adjusting something until it is "just right." Although this can initially be extremely distressing, over time you will gain more confidence in your ability to tolerate a loss of control.
Adopt a Mindful Stance: Mindfulness emphasizes being less “invested” in our thoughts. Accepting that we have less control than we think over our thoughts can be very helpful in reducing the distress that often accompanies intrusive thoughts. Mindfulness meditation exercises can help to promote a more objective awareness of our day-to-day thoughts and emotions.
→ This is exactly what I need!
Anyway, if anyone reading this feels like they're reading about themselves, here is a list of signs that show you may have OCD-related perfectionism. In my case, sign#3 (rereading passages multiple times in order to make sure I’ve understood them properly) began to surface when I started studying for university entrance exams and instead of avoiding to read (like it says in sign#4), I read and read and read, trying to overcome the symptom and actually, it kind of worked, though I'm still super slow with calculations -- I was by far the slowest in class when we had to do a speed calculation test for our pharmacology experiment. Also, when I understand something too quickly (especially when others seem to have difficulty) I tend to doubt that I really understand it; I keep asking myself if I really thought it over and understood it "fully" and it's really tiring because I never know what the "full comprehension" is or what it feels like, and even if there is such a thing, I know it is often times not required to be able to "function". The passage below almost gives me a sense of relief!
Even though your mind seems to tell you there is such thing as “achieving perfection,” don’t believe it! Your OCD is lying. Sometimes clients say, “There are times I feel like I’ll turn over the leaf of uncertainty once and for all.” Unfortunately, it doesn’t happen.
The reason I say I have "borderline" OCD (when it definitely has caused some pretty strong anxieties) is that I usually don't care that much about what others think of me and thus I don't have a morbid fear of making mistakes, nor have I missed a deadline due to procrastination or the all-or-nothing spirit described repeatedly in the articles. In short, my OCD has not quite bothered me to the extent of getting in the way of my necessary work.
I must say, however, that I am very glad to have reached a "perfect diagnosis".
Here are some abstracts from the articles:
OCD & Perfectionism
OCD leads you to think too much and this leads you to compulsions. Set a timer and when the alarm goes off, be impulsive and stop what you are doing. Go do something else. Plan ahead so that you know what is next on your schedule. You can say something like: “This will need to be good enough right now. Tomorrow I’ll pick up from here.”
→ I have been trying something similar over and over for the past year!
“Part of who I am is my perfectionism. I’ll lose my identity. I want to continue to achieve, be organized, be detail-oriented, and be determined. I don’t what to change who I am.”
→ I have said this before more than once!
Refocusing on what matters in your life can be helpful. Life is meant to be enjoyed despite mistakes and problems. At the end of the day, what do you really care about? If it is happiness through perfection, you may wish to refocus and resolve that happiness is a state of being and mind. It’s an attitude. You can choose to obsess, redo, and worry. Or you can chose to spend your time on what really matters.
→ This is exactly what I have been saying to myself for the past year!
Perfectionism: Are you sure it pays off?
Perfectionists report that they usually are identified by others as being detail oriented
→ I don't know how many times my parents have told me not to focus on the details!
Everything is Equally Important: Because perfectionists want to do everything well, they have a difficult time prioritizing tasks. All tasks seem equally important, and the same level of detail, effort and energy is brought to all tasks. If you asked a perfectionist to identify some tasks to complete at 100%, some at 80%, and some at 50% they have a difficult time moving tasks out of the 100% category.
→ This is exactly my problem!
if you projected yourself into the future and look back, what would you like for your life to have stood for? What do you want to be remembered for? Based on this then, one begins to form their A list (tasks to be completed at or near 100%), a B list (tasks completed at 80%), a C List (tasks completed at 50%), and an F List (what to let go).
→ Again, I have been trying to do this for the past couple of months!
Repetition Until it Feels/Looks/Sounds “Right”: Because tasks have to be without mistakes and feel/look/sound “right”, perfectionists tend to over edit, review, and repeat compulsively. This behavior is also intermittently reinforced as a teacher or boss will say that it was the best paper/report in the class/office. It is unacceptable for a perfectionist to let others see “rough drafts” or “works in progress”.
→ This is another problem of mine!
OCD and Perfectionism
Finally, unhealthy OCD perfectionism may help to perpetuate obsessions. For instance, like many people with OCD you might believe that you must have complete control over your thoughts. As such, when a bizarre or distressing thought pops intrusively into your mind, you label these thoughts as dangerous because they are out of your control. This causes you to monitor the thought even more closely, which can help to create an obsession.
→ I could never decribe this symptom better!
Practice Giving up Control: As part of cognitive-behavior therapy and/or exposure and response prevention therapy, you may be asked to participate in exercises designed to build your capacity to tolerate a loss of control. This can involve being prevented from checking something or adjusting something until it is "just right." Although this can initially be extremely distressing, over time you will gain more confidence in your ability to tolerate a loss of control.
Adopt a Mindful Stance: Mindfulness emphasizes being less “invested” in our thoughts. Accepting that we have less control than we think over our thoughts can be very helpful in reducing the distress that often accompanies intrusive thoughts. Mindfulness meditation exercises can help to promote a more objective awareness of our day-to-day thoughts and emotions.
→ This is exactly what I need!
Anyway, if anyone reading this feels like they're reading about themselves, here is a list of signs that show you may have OCD-related perfectionism. In my case, sign#3 (rereading passages multiple times in order to make sure I’ve understood them properly) began to surface when I started studying for university entrance exams and instead of avoiding to read (like it says in sign#4), I read and read and read, trying to overcome the symptom and actually, it kind of worked, though I'm still super slow with calculations -- I was by far the slowest in class when we had to do a speed calculation test for our pharmacology experiment. Also, when I understand something too quickly (especially when others seem to have difficulty) I tend to doubt that I really understand it; I keep asking myself if I really thought it over and understood it "fully" and it's really tiring because I never know what the "full comprehension" is or what it feels like, and even if there is such a thing, I know it is often times not required to be able to "function". The passage below almost gives me a sense of relief!
Even though your mind seems to tell you there is such thing as “achieving perfection,” don’t believe it! Your OCD is lying. Sometimes clients say, “There are times I feel like I’ll turn over the leaf of uncertainty once and for all.” Unfortunately, it doesn’t happen.
The reason I say I have "borderline" OCD (when it definitely has caused some pretty strong anxieties) is that I usually don't care that much about what others think of me and thus I don't have a morbid fear of making mistakes, nor have I missed a deadline due to procrastination or the all-or-nothing spirit described repeatedly in the articles. In short, my OCD has not quite bothered me to the extent of getting in the way of my necessary work.
I must say, however, that I am very glad to have reached a "perfect diagnosis".
2014年5月25日日曜日
falling in love at 85
Today, I was sorting out my mailbox and some old messages I sent to my crush (during fights) came up. I was terrified. Some messages were awful and just really terrifying that I actually started laughing. (I'm glad he's still my good friend.) Later that evening, I heard a rather heartbreaking (but at the same time funny) story from my mother:
My grandmother takes 気功 lessons (it's a kind of Chinese exercise) and she fell in love with the instructor. The problem was, he didn't like her back. Well, at least not in that kind of way. And to make things worse, it got a bit complicated because my grandma ended up confessing due to jealousy. Two weeks ago, she and the instructor and this other woman (we'll call her Satoko) had lunch together, and the instructor ate Satoko's pickles. My grandma told the instructor not to (it made her jealous for some reason), and he asked her why. Later that day, he called my grandma to tell her he thought she was being a bit mean to Satoko. And that really hurt my grandma. (She also didn't like the fact that the instructor seemed to pay extra attention to Satoko which is probably because she has some mild aftereffects of a stroke.) So she decided to write this looong letter saying how much of a great person she was -- she had never ever been mean to anyone -- and she wrote down all her life time accomplishments, how she had raised three great daughters, how great their husbands were and so on, ending the letter with a list of people she had recruited to the 気功 club and insisting how much she had contributed to the growth of it. She also asked the instructor to "treat all students fairly", confessed her feelings for him (that was the main part actually), and faxed it.
The instructor wrote her back, but he didn't really know how to use the fax machine, and this is where things went out of control. His letter didn't reach my grandma, and so she got really upset and mad and sent more letters and started saying bad things about him behind his back. She was awfully depressed and couldn't do anything by herself. She was thrown into multiple panic attacks -- she would suddenly forget how to stop the fire while she was making tea -- and was getting extremely forgetful in general. So my mom ended up calling the instructor to talk to him and asked him to send the fax again. His response was a bit cold anyway ("I like your bright smile, BUT I am only your instructor; every student is equally important to me"), and my grandma is now so embarrassed that the whole family knows the story (though I don't think she expects it to have reached all the way down to me!) and she just wants a hole to hide in.
When I heard all this from my mother, the first thought that came to my mind was -- wow, maybe I inherited that terrifying-letter-writing gene. But the next thought was, I wonder if I would still fall in love when I'm 85. I have a hard time falling in love even now. I mean, I guess I was kind of obsessive with my crush, but he was really an exception; I'm actually almost sure that I will never be that way with anyone else.
My grandmother takes 気功 lessons (it's a kind of Chinese exercise) and she fell in love with the instructor. The problem was, he didn't like her back. Well, at least not in that kind of way. And to make things worse, it got a bit complicated because my grandma ended up confessing due to jealousy. Two weeks ago, she and the instructor and this other woman (we'll call her Satoko) had lunch together, and the instructor ate Satoko's pickles. My grandma told the instructor not to (it made her jealous for some reason), and he asked her why. Later that day, he called my grandma to tell her he thought she was being a bit mean to Satoko. And that really hurt my grandma. (She also didn't like the fact that the instructor seemed to pay extra attention to Satoko which is probably because she has some mild aftereffects of a stroke.) So she decided to write this looong letter saying how much of a great person she was -- she had never ever been mean to anyone -- and she wrote down all her life time accomplishments, how she had raised three great daughters, how great their husbands were and so on, ending the letter with a list of people she had recruited to the 気功 club and insisting how much she had contributed to the growth of it. She also asked the instructor to "treat all students fairly", confessed her feelings for him (that was the main part actually), and faxed it.
The instructor wrote her back, but he didn't really know how to use the fax machine, and this is where things went out of control. His letter didn't reach my grandma, and so she got really upset and mad and sent more letters and started saying bad things about him behind his back. She was awfully depressed and couldn't do anything by herself. She was thrown into multiple panic attacks -- she would suddenly forget how to stop the fire while she was making tea -- and was getting extremely forgetful in general. So my mom ended up calling the instructor to talk to him and asked him to send the fax again. His response was a bit cold anyway ("I like your bright smile, BUT I am only your instructor; every student is equally important to me"), and my grandma is now so embarrassed that the whole family knows the story (though I don't think she expects it to have reached all the way down to me!) and she just wants a hole to hide in.
When I heard all this from my mother, the first thought that came to my mind was -- wow, maybe I inherited that terrifying-letter-writing gene. But the next thought was, I wonder if I would still fall in love when I'm 85. I have a hard time falling in love even now. I mean, I guess I was kind of obsessive with my crush, but he was really an exception; I'm actually almost sure that I will never be that way with anyone else.
2014年5月24日土曜日
continuing and gaining trust
（大切なのは）当たり前のことを当たり前でないくらいやり続けること
(The important thing is) to continue doing ordinary things for an extraordinary period of time.
- Shinya Miyamoto （宮本慎也）
This habit trains you to have a stronger will. Motivation apparently doesn't last -- your will is the power to continue when you don't have the motivation. Many athletes (such as Ichiro Suzuki and the baseball player above) have achieved their goals not by motivation but by this strong will.
I think continuing certain things under any circumstances also gives you confidence. It's like keeping a promise to yourself. When you keep breaking it, you eventually lose trust in yourself, but if you can keep it every single day, it proves yourself that you're worth trusting -- which means you have confidence.
I've had a vague impression that this kind of confidence has a lot to do with "the power to endure" I had written about in my last post. To endure the current unsatisfying state, you have to believe in your future self -- that she will be better and thus the future will be better. To trust in your future self, you obviously have to trust your current self, and the above habit of continuing seems to be the key.
I've actually been trying to live a disciplined life lately (if that doesn't sound too funny), sticking to several things and making them a habit. I'll report about the results after a couple of months!
(The important thing is) to continue doing ordinary things for an extraordinary period of time.
- Shinya Miyamoto （宮本慎也）
This habit trains you to have a stronger will. Motivation apparently doesn't last -- your will is the power to continue when you don't have the motivation. Many athletes (such as Ichiro Suzuki and the baseball player above) have achieved their goals not by motivation but by this strong will.
I think continuing certain things under any circumstances also gives you confidence. It's like keeping a promise to yourself. When you keep breaking it, you eventually lose trust in yourself, but if you can keep it every single day, it proves yourself that you're worth trusting -- which means you have confidence.
I've had a vague impression that this kind of confidence has a lot to do with "the power to endure" I had written about in my last post. To endure the current unsatisfying state, you have to believe in your future self -- that she will be better and thus the future will be better. To trust in your future self, you obviously have to trust your current self, and the above habit of continuing seems to be the key.
I've actually been trying to live a disciplined life lately (if that doesn't sound too funny), sticking to several things and making them a habit. I'll report about the results after a couple of months!
2014年5月23日金曜日
patience and tolerance
An old draft -- posting because it reminds me of important stuff:
I've noticed lately that it gets harder and harder to stay friends with some people from high school. After all, you're not in the same school anymore. You start going different ways and your perspective changes.
My current best friend O from high school was not my "best friend" when we were in school. We became closer after graduation because our life stages and our basic attitude towards life and work happened to match. We once agreed that other people's happy rosey stories could sometimes be hurtful when your life was not going well, and O has opened up to me even more ever since.
I have a bitter memory from a couple of years ago (which I think I've written about before): I met up with another friend from high school and she made me feel like the ugliest living being on earth. She was happy with a bright career, a caring talented boyfriend, and talked about her future daughter who she hoped would model for her painter husband -- while I, on the other hand, had nothing but a new dream. I wanted to be happy for her; I wanted to stop comparing and just be happy for this happy friend but I couldn't do anything about my ugly feelings.
Obviously, there are ups and downs in life. I'm not going to break a friendship every time I feel left behind. I've noticed that avoiding certain people during certain times is one way to keep peace. But apparently, the reason we compare ourselves with others in the first place is because we're arrogant and we forget to appreciate what we have. I didn't think I exactly lacked appreciation when my heart turned ugly, but I definitely wasn't happy with my own life, which might mean I did lack appreciation.
So why wasn't I happy? The question reminds me of what my professor in grad school said to us in our first Chinese politics class:
勉強の肝は「わからない状態に耐える力」である。今までは何でもすぐに理解できたかもしれないが、勉強が高度になればなるほどわからないことがたくさん出てくる。その時に、性急に答えを求めずに耐えることを覚えなければならない。
What you have to take to heart is "the power to endure when you don't understand". The more complicated your studies become, the more you will encounter things you don't understand. Do not hurry to the answer when that happens; endure the situation.
I guess the important part was that he was talking to students who had always been able to get to answers fairly easily and thus lacked patience. He was warning us that that was not always going to work from now on.
I actually still tend to hurry to get to answers; it's almost like I fear the state of not being able to understand. And maybe that is reflected in my whole attitude towards what I aim in life -- if I want something, I want it now (which ironically shows how lucky I've been). But if I could grow this "power to endure", I will probably appreciate everything I already understand, everything I already have, and be happy even when I can't have what I want.
I've noticed lately that it gets harder and harder to stay friends with some people from high school. After all, you're not in the same school anymore. You start going different ways and your perspective changes.
My current best friend O from high school was not my "best friend" when we were in school. We became closer after graduation because our life stages and our basic attitude towards life and work happened to match. We once agreed that other people's happy rosey stories could sometimes be hurtful when your life was not going well, and O has opened up to me even more ever since.
I have a bitter memory from a couple of years ago (which I think I've written about before): I met up with another friend from high school and she made me feel like the ugliest living being on earth. She was happy with a bright career, a caring talented boyfriend, and talked about her future daughter who she hoped would model for her painter husband -- while I, on the other hand, had nothing but a new dream. I wanted to be happy for her; I wanted to stop comparing and just be happy for this happy friend but I couldn't do anything about my ugly feelings.
Obviously, there are ups and downs in life. I'm not going to break a friendship every time I feel left behind. I've noticed that avoiding certain people during certain times is one way to keep peace. But apparently, the reason we compare ourselves with others in the first place is because we're arrogant and we forget to appreciate what we have. I didn't think I exactly lacked appreciation when my heart turned ugly, but I definitely wasn't happy with my own life, which might mean I did lack appreciation.
So why wasn't I happy? The question reminds me of what my professor in grad school said to us in our first Chinese politics class:
勉強の肝は「わからない状態に耐える力」である。今までは何でもすぐに理解できたかもしれないが、勉強が高度になればなるほどわからないことがたくさん出てくる。その時に、性急に答えを求めずに耐えることを覚えなければならない。
What you have to take to heart is "the power to endure when you don't understand". The more complicated your studies become, the more you will encounter things you don't understand. Do not hurry to the answer when that happens; endure the situation.
I guess the important part was that he was talking to students who had always been able to get to answers fairly easily and thus lacked patience. He was warning us that that was not always going to work from now on.
I actually still tend to hurry to get to answers; it's almost like I fear the state of not being able to understand. And maybe that is reflected in my whole attitude towards what I aim in life -- if I want something, I want it now (which ironically shows how lucky I've been). But if I could grow this "power to endure", I will probably appreciate everything I already understand, everything I already have, and be happy even when I can't have what I want.
2014年5月9日金曜日
sense of worthiness
Tonight, I listened to this talk by Brene Brown, recommended by a friend. I've mentioned her book a couple of posts ago, and what I didn't like in the book, I didn't like in her talk. Frankly speaking, I think she tends to dramatize her so-called breakdown. But maybe that's just because I'm Japanese and sometimes every sentence spoken by an American can sound exaggerated (no offense; it's just a cultural difference). Either way, that's not what I want to write about. Below is breifly what she says (for people like me who aren't really interested in her personal stories but still want to know the essence of her talk in five minutes):
We all live for connection, but there's an obstacle called shame.
Shame = fear of disconnection.
"Is there something about me that if people know or see it they would think I'm not worthy of connection?" The feeling of "I'm not smart/thin/pretty/promoted enough."
But in order to let connection happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen.
People who have a strong sense of love and belonging have a strong sense of worthiness -- they think they are worthy of connection. These people have
1. courage = the ability to tell the story of who they are with all their heart; the courage to be imperfect
2. compassion = the ability to be kind to themseves because we can't practice compassion with others if you can't treat yourself kindly
3. authenticity = the willingness to let go of who they think they should be in order to be who they are
Connection is the result of the above three. Those people with a sense of worthiness embrace vulnerability and believe that what make them vulnerable make them beautiful. They know the necessity of the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees.
The world we live in is a vulnerable world. So we numb vulnerability with addiction and whatnot. But we can't selectively numb feelings without numbing other emotions so we end up numbing joy, gratitude, happiness, everything. We struggle to make the uncertain certain, to perfect ourselves and our children (when in fact, they are wired for struggle when they get here and our role is to tell them they are worthy of love and belonging despite their imperfection), and to pretend that what we do doesn't affect others.
Instead, what we should do is to let ourselves be deeply and vulnerably seen, which means
1. to love with our whole hearts even if there's no guarantee
2. to practice gratitude and lean into joy in those moments when we're wondering: Can I love you this much? Can I believe in this so passionately? Can I be this firece about this? -- just to be able to stop and instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say I'm just so grateful, because to feel so vulnerable means I'm alive.
3. to believe that we're enough. Not when we're perfect, but just the way we are.
...So how do we believe that we're enough? I get it that if we feel worthy, we can allow ourselves to be vulnerable and hence find connection. But how do we believe we're worthy? This was the question I was left with.
The word worthiness hit me strong because the moment I heard it, I knew it was exactly what I lacked when I did what I most regret in my life: sleeping with someone I didn't even like. It was just once, but the regret has haunted me for years. I knew a guy was drooling over me, thought I could use him to make myself feel worthy, and ended up feeling used, probably because I let it happen when deep down my mind was actually saying no. It's the most foolish thing I've ever done, and one of the saddest stories I've ever known -- I was not brought up by parents who loved me only when I was perfect. They always, always loved me, no matter what, and still, I took their love for granted and thought I was not worthy of anyone else's love.
I don't think about it anymore, but when I do the pain is excruciating -- my imperfection regarding this mistake is almost unacceptable, though at some point I realized there was no other choice but to accept it and move on.
As a result, I no longer suffer to find the reason of my worthiness, but I still think it's impossible to love myself unconditionally. I mean, you can't just sleep all day, do whatever you like, and say, well, that's me, I love who I am! I know all I can do is to do what I can, keep doing what I must do to accomplish my dreams, however small or big they may be, and just do my best every day, because that's the only way for me to feel worthy. At least, that was how I lived my life when I was still very young and never knew what it was like to hate myself.
We all live for connection, but there's an obstacle called shame.
Shame = fear of disconnection.
"Is there something about me that if people know or see it they would think I'm not worthy of connection?" The feeling of "I'm not smart/thin/pretty/promoted enough."
But in order to let connection happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen.
People who have a strong sense of love and belonging have a strong sense of worthiness -- they think they are worthy of connection. These people have
1. courage = the ability to tell the story of who they are with all their heart; the courage to be imperfect
2. compassion = the ability to be kind to themseves because we can't practice compassion with others if you can't treat yourself kindly
3. authenticity = the willingness to let go of who they think they should be in order to be who they are
Connection is the result of the above three. Those people with a sense of worthiness embrace vulnerability and believe that what make them vulnerable make them beautiful. They know the necessity of the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees.
The world we live in is a vulnerable world. So we numb vulnerability with addiction and whatnot. But we can't selectively numb feelings without numbing other emotions so we end up numbing joy, gratitude, happiness, everything. We struggle to make the uncertain certain, to perfect ourselves and our children (when in fact, they are wired for struggle when they get here and our role is to tell them they are worthy of love and belonging despite their imperfection), and to pretend that what we do doesn't affect others.
Instead, what we should do is to let ourselves be deeply and vulnerably seen, which means
1. to love with our whole hearts even if there's no guarantee
2. to practice gratitude and lean into joy in those moments when we're wondering: Can I love you this much? Can I believe in this so passionately? Can I be this firece about this? -- just to be able to stop and instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say I'm just so grateful, because to feel so vulnerable means I'm alive.
3. to believe that we're enough. Not when we're perfect, but just the way we are.
...So how do we believe that we're enough? I get it that if we feel worthy, we can allow ourselves to be vulnerable and hence find connection. But how do we believe we're worthy? This was the question I was left with.
The word worthiness hit me strong because the moment I heard it, I knew it was exactly what I lacked when I did what I most regret in my life: sleeping with someone I didn't even like. It was just once, but the regret has haunted me for years. I knew a guy was drooling over me, thought I could use him to make myself feel worthy, and ended up feeling used, probably because I let it happen when deep down my mind was actually saying no. It's the most foolish thing I've ever done, and one of the saddest stories I've ever known -- I was not brought up by parents who loved me only when I was perfect. They always, always loved me, no matter what, and still, I took their love for granted and thought I was not worthy of anyone else's love.
I don't think about it anymore, but when I do the pain is excruciating -- my imperfection regarding this mistake is almost unacceptable, though at some point I realized there was no other choice but to accept it and move on.
As a result, I no longer suffer to find the reason of my worthiness, but I still think it's impossible to love myself unconditionally. I mean, you can't just sleep all day, do whatever you like, and say, well, that's me, I love who I am! I know all I can do is to do what I can, keep doing what I must do to accomplish my dreams, however small or big they may be, and just do my best every day, because that's the only way for me to feel worthy. At least, that was how I lived my life when I was still very young and never knew what it was like to hate myself.
2014年5月5日月曜日
no need to give up
Where there's a will, there's a way
When I was around twenty, I was invited over to my friend's place where she homestayed for just over a year. The hostparents were a young couple with two little kids. They -- especially the father -- didn't hide his strong interest in me when we met. Knowing where I went to school and hearing my English (my friend was American), he seemed to see me as an ideal daughter he wished his own daughter to grow up to be like. When I said I wanted to become a fiction writer, he said it was もったいない meaning "You would be wasting your talents." It gave me a brief shock, because at that time, I was almost willing to give up everything else if I could support myself as a professional writer. It never occured to me that I would be wasting something -- losing other opportunities -- to spend my life (not necessarily my whole life but even part of it) on writing. During the following years, I thought I started seeing what he meant.
While studying to become a doctor can be sometimes tedious, I never feel like I'm wasting my time. If I only help one patient after I become a doctor, that probably wouldn't matter. I studied all this time, just for him. Writing and other artistic jobs, on the other hand, can be more difficult to measure their value. I still sometimes wonder if I'm just wasting my time when I practice my guitar for more than two hours. There's a limit to what you can do in a lifetime. Since you never know if you're going to be good enough, you might as well give up on art altogether unless that's all you can do, just like the father implied. Really?
I came across an inspiring interview today with Ryu Goto, a classical violinist who was known as a prodigy. Does he still play the violin because that's his only choice? No. He holds a Harvard degree as well as a black belt in karate. He tells us all that it's okay to be (overly) ambitious. You don't have to choose one thing and stick only to that (you can listen to the interview here though it's unfortunately in Japanese):
今の時代の我々は、夢を一つもギブアップしなくていい。ちゃんとプランニングをすると、後回しにしないといけないこともあるけれど、ギブアップはしなくていいんだと思う。夢はいろいろあって、どれ一つとしてあきらめたくなかったので、一つ一つこなしていくことにした。０．０１％でも前進していればいつかは夢にたどり着く。死ぬまでに夢を成し遂げることができるのかと疑問に思うこともあったけれど、今のテクノロジーの進歩を考えたら、まぁいいやと思った。夢は僕にとっては夢ではない。夢はいつか起きること。ただ起きるだけ。100％起きる。夢を信じきっているので、何があってもそれはすべて夢への過程。全体像を見ると、すべては肥やしになっている。何があっても前に進んでいる。＜中略＞意志さえあれば方法はあると考えて、時間はかかってもあきらめなくてもいいわけだから、とにかくいつかはそれが完成するので、それまで毎日ただ少しずつ頑張るだけ。
"A dream, to me, is not a dream. It's something that happens. No matter how long it takes -- some things you might have to put on the back burner for a long time -- but as long as you take one step at a time, it's eventually going to happen. You don't have to give up."
When I was around twenty, I was invited over to my friend's place where she homestayed for just over a year. The hostparents were a young couple with two little kids. They -- especially the father -- didn't hide his strong interest in me when we met. Knowing where I went to school and hearing my English (my friend was American), he seemed to see me as an ideal daughter he wished his own daughter to grow up to be like. When I said I wanted to become a fiction writer, he said it was もったいない meaning "You would be wasting your talents." It gave me a brief shock, because at that time, I was almost willing to give up everything else if I could support myself as a professional writer. It never occured to me that I would be wasting something -- losing other opportunities -- to spend my life (not necessarily my whole life but even part of it) on writing. During the following years, I thought I started seeing what he meant.
While studying to become a doctor can be sometimes tedious, I never feel like I'm wasting my time. If I only help one patient after I become a doctor, that probably wouldn't matter. I studied all this time, just for him. Writing and other artistic jobs, on the other hand, can be more difficult to measure their value. I still sometimes wonder if I'm just wasting my time when I practice my guitar for more than two hours. There's a limit to what you can do in a lifetime. Since you never know if you're going to be good enough, you might as well give up on art altogether unless that's all you can do, just like the father implied. Really?
I came across an inspiring interview today with Ryu Goto, a classical violinist who was known as a prodigy. Does he still play the violin because that's his only choice? No. He holds a Harvard degree as well as a black belt in karate. He tells us all that it's okay to be (overly) ambitious. You don't have to choose one thing and stick only to that (you can listen to the interview here though it's unfortunately in Japanese):
今の時代の我々は、夢を一つもギブアップしなくていい。ちゃんとプランニングをすると、後回しにしないといけないこともあるけれど、ギブアップはしなくていいんだと思う。夢はいろいろあって、どれ一つとしてあきらめたくなかったので、一つ一つこなしていくことにした。０．０１％でも前進していればいつかは夢にたどり着く。死ぬまでに夢を成し遂げることができるのかと疑問に思うこともあったけれど、今のテクノロジーの進歩を考えたら、まぁいいやと思った。夢は僕にとっては夢ではない。夢はいつか起きること。ただ起きるだけ。100％起きる。夢を信じきっているので、何があってもそれはすべて夢への過程。全体像を見ると、すべては肥やしになっている。何があっても前に進んでいる。＜中略＞意志さえあれば方法はあると考えて、時間はかかってもあきらめなくてもいいわけだから、とにかくいつかはそれが完成するので、それまで毎日ただ少しずつ頑張るだけ。
"A dream, to me, is not a dream. It's something that happens. No matter how long it takes -- some things you might have to put on the back burner for a long time -- but as long as you take one step at a time, it's eventually going to happen. You don't have to give up."
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