the reader

"...Have you spent a lot of time thinking about the past?"
"You mean with you?"
"No, I didn't mean with me."
"Before the trial I never thought about the past.  I never had to."
"Now.  What do you feel now?"
"It doesn't matter what I feel.  It doesn't matter what I think.  The dead are still dead."
"I wasn't sure what you'd learned."
"Well, I have learned, kid.  I've learned to read."


It's actually a pretty heavy combination when you look at each element of the story: a dark secret, the holocaust, a forbidden affair, and an inevitable suicide.  The gloomy air of German landscape blends well with the haunting shadows found in the characters.  I read the English translation of the novel a couple of years ago.  After watching the movie, I still think it's one of the saddest stories I've ever known, yet one of my favorites.

The holocaust is too much of a cruel historical episode to be "used" to describe something, but I felt it was almost like a prop used to depict the complexity of human nature.  I think I felt a bit differently when I read the novel.  The impression I got was maybe a bit more holocaust centered; it had a stronger color of atonement - something that was to be passed on from generation to generation.  And overall, it was a story that offered an explanation (rather than an excuse) of how ordinary people were able to do extraordinarily dreadful things.

In the film, however, the theme of shame/humiliation and moral sense, and maybe dignity stood out more.  It reflected the emotions that lies within us all, and the character of Hanna (or Kate Winslet's performance) grasped my heart.  No one could justfy what she did.  And yet I was moved with sympathy, perhaps because her secret she found so shameful explained it all.

If Michael had revealed the fact that she was illiterate, that would've saved her from a life sentence but would've destroyed her dignity.  And he couldn't do that to a woman who had taken his innocence and in turn had given him the most passionate summer in his life.  I wonder how much his life would've changed if that memory had stayed as a memory - Hanna always being the capricious thirty year old who took him in her arms.

The part where Michael sends tapes to the imprisoned Hanna is just... overwhelming. But there's also something hopeless about the "reading", and it's not at all a simple heart-lifting moment when Hanna, with the tapes and a book, finally learns to read her first word.  It's even almost heartbreaking when Michael recieves a handwritten letter from her.

Had there been a way for Hanna to be forgiven?  To me, it seemed like she was looking for some kind of chance to be saved when she met Michael at the canteen - as if she expected that he would not define her by her mistake.  It looked like she still had things to say when he left her, except that she didn't know what or how to say it.  She almost looked like a child at loss, abandoned by her father.

In the end, I guess it's sometimes the smallest things like a single secret or a summer's first love that become the biggest things in our life.

On a side note, the Japanese title of this film/novel is 愛を読む人 which literally means "the person who reads love".  It sounds kind of sentimental in English, but I like the depth it has in Japanese.

beautiful things

 

 

american beauty

I'd always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second is not a second at all.  It stretches on forever like an ocean of time.

For me, it was lying on my back at boyscout camp watching falling stars.
And yellow leaves from the maple trees that lined our street.
Or my grandmother's hands and the way her skin seemed like paper.
And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird.
And Janie.  And Janie.
And Carolyn.

I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me.  But it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once and it's too much my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax and stop trying to hold on to it.  And then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.

You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure.  But don't worry.  You will someday.



"This is a $4,000 sofa, upholstered in Italian silk. This is not just a couch."
"It's just a couch. This isn't life; this is just stuff. And it's become more important to you than living."

Each character is odd in his/her own way, but they all seemed pretty realistic and human.  I often times think things get a bit too sentimental when people start talking about "beauty" but it wasn't bad at all.  Though I didn't know exactly what to think about the plastic bag to be honest...

Also, that Jane - I understand she needed more attention, but I thought she sort of deserved it when her mother hit her.  There were times back when children respected (or at least bothered to pretend they respected) their parents no matter how selfish they were.  I don't know which is better; Ricky and his father had their own problems.  But Jane's typical teenager attitude made me think.  Maybe because I was a bit like her.  Or perhaps because this conversation sounded so familiar:

"Mom, do we always have to listen to this elevator music?"
"No. No, we don't.  As soon as you've prepared a nutritious yet savory meal that I'm about to eat, you can listen to whatever you like."

waves

You can't stop the waves but you can learn to surf it

 

to surrender

 

It's not "giving up" if one reaches a point in the illness where the higher good is to surrender to it.  This can bring peace to the soul and a happier exit from life, rather than to resist death all the way to the bitter end and everyone suffers and focuses on nothing but loss.

 

when the time comes

No matter how much medicine advances, people are going to die in the end.  I think it's pretty important how you're going to die, or rather how you're going to live your last days.  So what if you're unconscious when the time comes?

There are more and more people in Japan who write their will down in some form to tell their family and the medical staff how they want to die.  Many people say they don't want to go through life-prolonging treatment, but still, it is difficult for them to die the way they want.  It's not always easy to figure if it was their true will; maybe they were worried they would only cause trouble if they asked for treatment.  And even if it were the patient's true will, family members may feel obliged to ask for treatment once they actually face the possibility of the patient's death.  Life-prolonging treatment, apparently, gives many families a sense of satisfaction.

An interviewed doctor said he wanted to be confident that natural aging and natural death （人間らしい最期）were things to be valued.  But he had asked for life-prolonging treatment when his own father had had a stroke.  He didn't know what his father wanted.  He still wonders if his decision had been right.  This incident made him realize how important it was for family members to ask the patient (or future patient) how he wanted to die, and for them to be mentally prepared for the death of the patient.

Another doctor had asked his patients to fill in a form but had noticed that some of them transferred to different hospitals and died there.  His new idea was to make a digital data so all hospitals in the area could share the patients' wills and work together to fulfill each patient's wishes.  After having a couple of meetings with other doctors, he improved his original form so that it included parts where the patient could write down what he valued and how he viewed life in general.  Family members can read it and decide what to do when/if the patient became unconscious.  He said it was indeed the way the patient lived his life （生き方） that counted most when they had to decide for the patient.

"It's difficult to figure what the best ending is for each person, but we should always remember that death is an option - it can be the best ending in some scenarios."

Maybe we somtimes place too much emphasis on the state of being alive （生）; I want to say death isn't the end of the world - it's just another part of life.  Still, it's the final part and it is the end of the world.  A world disappears when a person dies.  There's no rehearsing death.  But then again, since when could we rehearse life?  I guess there's only one thing we can do: live like there's no tomorrow.  Then maybe death (either other's or our own) wouldn't be so frightening.

to my sons

Last night, I saw a TV show about an old woman dying of cancer (I forget her name so let's just call her Machiko) and her two sons, Takashi and Taku.

When she finds out that she only has a couple of months left, she decides to escape from the hospital to search for Taku, her younger son who has been MIA after not being able to pay off his debt.  Takashi, the older son who has been taking care of her, has always felt that his mother liked Taku better, and is slightly emotional about the fact that it is going to be that way until the end.

When they finally find Taku, Machiko says she wants to go on a trip to Matsushima where they visited with their father (her husband) before he died young in an accident.  But the trip is actually for Taku -- so he wouldn't have to suffer and regret about not having done anything for his mother before she dies.

On the way to Matsushima, they end up picking up a random girl who Taku decides to marry later on during the trip, and Machiko insists that they should also drop by Takashi's wife's home where she is staying with her son - she had asked for divorce.

The whole story and the conversations were pretty cheesy until the very end when Takashi gets a text after his mother's death.  He's shocked to see that it's from his mother:

Dear Takashi,

By the time you read this, I am not there anymore.

This world filled with hope and warmth may be harsh at times.  But please remember to appreciate every small encounter in your life.  Your "now" is supported by many many people that you encounter every day.

As you know, Taku has always had a lot of troubles.  I know you felt lonely because I was always busy taking care of him.  So this last message is only for you - my first special treat for you （あなたへの最初のえこひいきです）.

I'm proud to have had two amazing sons.

Your mother

I admit I'm a sucker for epilogues like this and letters from dead people.  It's so sad and heartwarming at the same time.  I stopped what I was doing and just cried with Takashi.  He now finds that his mother is calling - Machiko had given her cell phone to her daughter in law on the way to Matsushima.  Takashi's wife comes to see him and he realizes that the the trip was not only for Taku but also for him.  She had wanted to go to Matsushima, but more than that, she had wanted to give Takashi and his wife a chance to reconcile.

I realize I wrote a lot during my break.  It was fun and a great stress relief, but school is starting tomorrow.  I don't know how frequently I would be able to write.  I'll miss writing!