big dreams

Last night, we had a welcome party for new students, and their big dreams reminded me of my own dream I'd had when I entered med school.

If you've read my past entries, you probably know I tend to dream big.  As well as wanting to be a writer, saving the lives of people in developing countries has been my dream since high school.  I realize there's no difference between staying in my country and treating people here, and going abroad to treat people there.  If there's some kind of a philosophy behind it, it's just that I think I was lucky to have been born in Japan and as my parents' child, and I feel I should at least help people who weren't as "lucky" as I happened to be.  But in the end, it's probably just another way to feed my huge ego.  And I realized it clearly last night, as I conversed with a new student who had just come back from Uganda where he had worked as a veterinarian.

He said his dream was to work as a member of Doctors without Borders and eventually get a job in the WHO.  I think it's a great dream, and regarding the fact that he has already worked in Uganda, I'm pretty sure he has the guts to make his dreams come true.  The only problem I had with him (apart from the fact that he kept spitting at me and into my plate with every other word he spoke) was that he didn't seem to see what was right in front of him because he was too busy looking at Africa.  He wasn't a bad person at all; I actually even liked him a bit, but I thought I didn't want to be like him.  I don't want to forget the things lying in front of me.  I guess I've realized lately that it's really the small things that matter to me.

A couple of weeks ago, our emergency medicine professor told us about how he had saved a three month year old baby and he was outraged that some stupid doctor had criticized him for saving such a child -- hardly a human being -- who would have to live the rest of his life with serious disabilities.  I was amazed that the professor seemed to have no doubt whatsoever that what he had done was perfectly "right".  I realize that when you practice medicine, you sometimes end up forcing upon patients (and their families) the sense of value that being alive means everything.  Even if you can't walk or talk or go to the toilet on your own, it's great just being alive.  I want to believe it's true.  We need to make a society that makes this true.  But in reality, I'm not quite sure.  Doctors save lives and feel happy.  But what do they know about what happens to those lives they save?  After all, who feeds the kid for the rest of his life?  Who can guarantee that those lives in developing countries saved by foreign doctors who return home to their warm beds and meals, find the same warm shelter and enough food?  What if the country can't support that many people?

I don't want to forget that it's harder to save lives than we usually think it is.  I want to remember that we can be wrong.  I don't know if I still want to work abroad, but regardless of where I work, I want to live with humility.