I still remember about the day I stopped crying at nursery school. Until then, I think I stayed by the glass door and cried as I watched my mother disappear into the distance, but that morning, I went into the playroom and decided that I wasn't going to cry. The sliding door closed, and I held back my tears as I picked up a wooden block to force myself to focus on playing with it. I was three years old.
When we moved to New Zealand and I started going to kindergarten, the whole process started all over again. I cried like mad every time my mother tried to leave me. I don't really remember when it was that I finally stopped crying. Maybe it was when Kate came up to play with me.
Today, I went to visit a nursery school as it was part of our shadowing program. I was put into the rabbit class with 17 cute two year olds. The hardest part was making them finish their lunch. They do all kinds of stuff to avoid eating what they don't like: they drop spoons on purpose, drop the food on purpose, walk around the room, stick their hands under your apron to touch your breasts, make faces, and cry. It's amazing how they change their attitude according to who's helping them eat. A girl who would keep shaking her head to me would open her mouth when a strict teacher comes to force the food into her mouth. They can't control their pee, and yet they know how to manipulate college students with huge drops of tears and vague complaints.
One episode that might be worth noting -- a girl I was feeding (Erika) said she was finished and left her seat to pick up her toothbrush, and then the girl sitting next to her started crying, apparently because she thought it was unfair that Erika got to leave her veggies while she still had to eat hers. It reminded me of a monkey experiment that proved that even monkeys didn't accept unfairness (you can watch it here).
Later when Erika had to get changed for her nap, she came up to me with her bag packed with diapers but instead of giving me a diaper, she handed me a pair of pink undies and insisted she was going to be totally fine with that while she made me take off her wet diaper. Well, at least she didn't spit lettuce on me!
On a side note, after nap time was over, they were served a cup of milk with their snacks, and I winced as the teacher gave me my cup. I don't like milk (my mom could hardly breast-feed me). When I took a sip, it was tepid and it just tasted really bad. Having to drink it with messy kids made it harder, but what could I say after telling them they shouldn't be so picky? In New Zealand, I didn't have school lunch, so when I came back to Japan, I told the teacher I couldn't drink milk because I didn't like it. She told me I couldn't say that. I didn't quite understand her, but eventually, I learned to accept the only choice. School lunch does make kids grow up -- physically and mentally.
2014年6月28日土曜日
2014年6月23日月曜日
just the way we are
In today's result-oriented system, almost everything is conditional. To be worthy, we have to be good at something. With nothing to be proud of, we're called losers. With no contribution to the society, we're worthless. In Japan, we have to be married and have children to be a woman.
About a week ago, a 35 year old female member of the Tokyo assembly was subjected to sexist abuse while she tried to debate support for childrearing (the details are here). It took more than five days for one of the male culprits to come out and admit the inappropriateness of his remark ("You're the one who should get married"). He did not admit his underlying disrespect to single women with no children. We still don't know who did the rest of the heckling ("Are you even able to have children?" etc.)
Many Japanese showed anger towards this incident. But I think the male councillors precisely represent the general Japanese who do think that women should get married and rear children rather than stay single. These kind of people think of marriage and childrearing as what makes women a full human being, and also what gives them "true happiness".
The declining birthrate is a serious problem. Personally, I don't understand the feelings of people who avoid marriage because they don't want to "grow up", or because they might "get tired of their partner". But lack of responsibility is not the only reason why someone is single. It might not even be their choice. If it is their choice, it must be a very important choice to them -- a conclusion they came to after overcoming many difficulties in their lives. Happiness is different to everyone, and we have to respect every shape of happiness as well as every lifestyle.
Apparently, many young people are doing the Shikoku Pilgrimage lately. During the pilgrimage, they are given free meals along the way from local people. It's a tradition from hundreds of years ago when pilgrims were called 稀人(rare person). The local people have welcomed them unconditionally to this day: every pilgrim is welcomed the same way, and as a result, by the time they finish their pilgrimage, they realize that they are worthy just the way they are.
We all want to be accepted unconditionally -- married or unmarried, with or without children.
About a week ago, a 35 year old female member of the Tokyo assembly was subjected to sexist abuse while she tried to debate support for childrearing (the details are here). It took more than five days for one of the male culprits to come out and admit the inappropriateness of his remark ("You're the one who should get married"). He did not admit his underlying disrespect to single women with no children. We still don't know who did the rest of the heckling ("Are you even able to have children?" etc.)
Many Japanese showed anger towards this incident. But I think the male councillors precisely represent the general Japanese who do think that women should get married and rear children rather than stay single. These kind of people think of marriage and childrearing as what makes women a full human being, and also what gives them "true happiness".
The declining birthrate is a serious problem. Personally, I don't understand the feelings of people who avoid marriage because they don't want to "grow up", or because they might "get tired of their partner". But lack of responsibility is not the only reason why someone is single. It might not even be their choice. If it is their choice, it must be a very important choice to them -- a conclusion they came to after overcoming many difficulties in their lives. Happiness is different to everyone, and we have to respect every shape of happiness as well as every lifestyle.
Apparently, many young people are doing the Shikoku Pilgrimage lately. During the pilgrimage, they are given free meals along the way from local people. It's a tradition from hundreds of years ago when pilgrims were called 稀人(rare person). The local people have welcomed them unconditionally to this day: every pilgrim is welcomed the same way, and as a result, by the time they finish their pilgrimage, they realize that they are worthy just the way they are.
We all want to be accepted unconditionally -- married or unmarried, with or without children.
2014年6月13日金曜日
if i die tomorrow
Another old draft (I've been sorting out my drafts lately):
I daydream daily. And I sometimes imagine myself being a mother of a small child with only a month left to live. Of course it's not a very nice scenario, and I have no plan or possibility of becoming a mother in the near future, but I've daydreamed about this situation a couple of times. I think it's because it gives me a rather new perspective. It makes me think about what is really important to me when I think about what kind of message I would want to leave my child. This is the list for now, but I actually think it would be a good idea to update it occasionally.
1. Always keep in mind what is truly important to you.
Your time is limited. If you choose to do one thing, you lose the opportunity to do another. Choosing means dumping. So in order to live a good life, you need the courage to dump, and for that, you need to know what is important and what is less important to you.
Knowing what is important also helps you control your emotions because you wouldn't be influenced by small things that may go wrong. If you're depressed, always ask yourself if it's something really important to you. If you're hit by failure, think about why that matters. What's your ultimate goal in life? When you feel like everything's over, try to imagine the bigger picture.
Know what is truly important to you, and it will lead you to the best decision.
2. Accept yourself for who you are. Mistakes and all.
Life is a constant process of making decisions. You are made by the decisions you've made. But you can't always make the best decision. There will be some decisions that you regret later, or those that you regret even while making them. Sometimes you know you will regret it later and still make that decision. It's difficult to always do your best. But that's okay. Even if you made a stupid decision, that was the best you could do. And the current you is the best you could've been. Don't think about the could've's and might've's.
3. Try to do your best but accept your limitations.
Doing your best can be somewhat frightful. What if your efforts don't pay off? What if you only end up proving yourself (and others) that you're no good? What if everything turns out to be a waste? All these questions are normal, but you just have try, because that's the only way you're going to know what you're good at. You can't win without fighting. And if you keep fighting, you might win in the end. But if you face your limitations, be brave enough to give up and accept that limitation.
If that's what you really like though (maybe to the extent that you do it because there's no other choice), stick to it, no matter what. Because one day, everything is going to disappear -- this whole universe and all -- and when that happens, all that matters is how much you cherished every moment.
4. Nothing has to be perfect.
1. to 3. might be summed up to this. If you realize that you're looking for perfection, let it go. Always remember to look at the big picture -- what is truly important to you and why. You can't get everything. In the end, nothing is permanent anyway, and keeping that in mind also may help you be tolerant towards yourself and others. Appreciate what you have now. Don't take "ordinary" things for granted. Love yourself for who you are now; not for what you hope to be in the future.
5. Learn a foreign language. And be fluent if possible.
Your thoughts are made of words. Language shapes your thoughts. Learning a foreign language gives you another world to live in, another perspective that would save you, and countless discoveries you would never have experienced with your mother tongue, because by learning a foreign language, you can experience another culture from the inside. If you become fluent, it's almost like getting another brain.
Fluency comes from reading and writing. Write, write, write. Get used to thinking in that language.
6. Read books.
If you have a question, someone else probably has the same question. And that someone could even be from another country, another age. Some people keep records of their thoughts and some of them get published. Almost every question is answered somewhere by someone in the way that would convince you. Search for it. Keep searching until you either find the answer in a book or inside yourself. Writings that is seemingly unrelated to your current question will help you anyway in the future so don't worry if you think it's a waste of time.
7. Learn an instrument.
Living in the moment may be easily said than done. Music can almost give you a blank state of mind and a very emotional experience all at the same time. It helps you develop concentration -- the power to concentrate on this moment now. Maybe it's a form of meditation; when you focus all your nerves to your fingers and the sounds they make, there's no space for random thoughts that distract you during other activities. And last but not least, music is borderless.
8. Eat well and excercise regularly.
A sane mind comes from a sane body. Our bodies are made of what we eat and how we use it. The brain is influenced by glucose level, hormones, and other chemical substance. Good meals are essential. Better if combined with good conversation. And since body muscles are as important as brain muscles, make excercise a habit. Playing sports also has the same effect as learning an instrument.
9. If all the above does not work, and one day, you feel like death is the only choice, get something to eat and get some sleep. No alcohol.
The reason is simple: no decision made under hunger, lack of sleep, or intoxication is good enough.
10. If you wake up in the morning, and your feeling hasn't changed, stop focusing on yourself.
Finding your own happiness is not the only goal in your life. Live to make others happy. There is always someone in need of good company -- someone who needs another person who really understands his hardships. If you're thrown down to the point of wanting to die, you will know what you can do for him.
Dying is never too late. So leave that option for later. Don't dwell on things you can't do anything about. Even amidst regret, jealousy and despair, there is something you can do. It may seem trifle; it might be something anyone can do. But live until you find it. Because eventually, you will find it, and it will mean something to someone else.
I daydream daily. And I sometimes imagine myself being a mother of a small child with only a month left to live. Of course it's not a very nice scenario, and I have no plan or possibility of becoming a mother in the near future, but I've daydreamed about this situation a couple of times. I think it's because it gives me a rather new perspective. It makes me think about what is really important to me when I think about what kind of message I would want to leave my child. This is the list for now, but I actually think it would be a good idea to update it occasionally.
1. Always keep in mind what is truly important to you.
Your time is limited. If you choose to do one thing, you lose the opportunity to do another. Choosing means dumping. So in order to live a good life, you need the courage to dump, and for that, you need to know what is important and what is less important to you.
Knowing what is important also helps you control your emotions because you wouldn't be influenced by small things that may go wrong. If you're depressed, always ask yourself if it's something really important to you. If you're hit by failure, think about why that matters. What's your ultimate goal in life? When you feel like everything's over, try to imagine the bigger picture.
Know what is truly important to you, and it will lead you to the best decision.
2. Accept yourself for who you are. Mistakes and all.
Life is a constant process of making decisions. You are made by the decisions you've made. But you can't always make the best decision. There will be some decisions that you regret later, or those that you regret even while making them. Sometimes you know you will regret it later and still make that decision. It's difficult to always do your best. But that's okay. Even if you made a stupid decision, that was the best you could do. And the current you is the best you could've been. Don't think about the could've's and might've's.
3. Try to do your best but accept your limitations.
Doing your best can be somewhat frightful. What if your efforts don't pay off? What if you only end up proving yourself (and others) that you're no good? What if everything turns out to be a waste? All these questions are normal, but you just have try, because that's the only way you're going to know what you're good at. You can't win without fighting. And if you keep fighting, you might win in the end. But if you face your limitations, be brave enough to give up and accept that limitation.
If that's what you really like though (maybe to the extent that you do it because there's no other choice), stick to it, no matter what. Because one day, everything is going to disappear -- this whole universe and all -- and when that happens, all that matters is how much you cherished every moment.
4. Nothing has to be perfect.
1. to 3. might be summed up to this. If you realize that you're looking for perfection, let it go. Always remember to look at the big picture -- what is truly important to you and why. You can't get everything. In the end, nothing is permanent anyway, and keeping that in mind also may help you be tolerant towards yourself and others. Appreciate what you have now. Don't take "ordinary" things for granted. Love yourself for who you are now; not for what you hope to be in the future.
5. Learn a foreign language. And be fluent if possible.
Your thoughts are made of words. Language shapes your thoughts. Learning a foreign language gives you another world to live in, another perspective that would save you, and countless discoveries you would never have experienced with your mother tongue, because by learning a foreign language, you can experience another culture from the inside. If you become fluent, it's almost like getting another brain.
Fluency comes from reading and writing. Write, write, write. Get used to thinking in that language.
6. Read books.
If you have a question, someone else probably has the same question. And that someone could even be from another country, another age. Some people keep records of their thoughts and some of them get published. Almost every question is answered somewhere by someone in the way that would convince you. Search for it. Keep searching until you either find the answer in a book or inside yourself. Writings that is seemingly unrelated to your current question will help you anyway in the future so don't worry if you think it's a waste of time.
7. Learn an instrument.
Living in the moment may be easily said than done. Music can almost give you a blank state of mind and a very emotional experience all at the same time. It helps you develop concentration -- the power to concentrate on this moment now. Maybe it's a form of meditation; when you focus all your nerves to your fingers and the sounds they make, there's no space for random thoughts that distract you during other activities. And last but not least, music is borderless.
8. Eat well and excercise regularly.
A sane mind comes from a sane body. Our bodies are made of what we eat and how we use it. The brain is influenced by glucose level, hormones, and other chemical substance. Good meals are essential. Better if combined with good conversation. And since body muscles are as important as brain muscles, make excercise a habit. Playing sports also has the same effect as learning an instrument.
9. If all the above does not work, and one day, you feel like death is the only choice, get something to eat and get some sleep. No alcohol.
The reason is simple: no decision made under hunger, lack of sleep, or intoxication is good enough.
10. If you wake up in the morning, and your feeling hasn't changed, stop focusing on yourself.
Finding your own happiness is not the only goal in your life. Live to make others happy. There is always someone in need of good company -- someone who needs another person who really understands his hardships. If you're thrown down to the point of wanting to die, you will know what you can do for him.
Dying is never too late. So leave that option for later. Don't dwell on things you can't do anything about. Even amidst regret, jealousy and despair, there is something you can do. It may seem trifle; it might be something anyone can do. But live until you find it. Because eventually, you will find it, and it will mean something to someone else.
2014年6月12日木曜日
reunion
This was an entry dated July 8, 2013, around the time I went on hiatus. Found it in my drafts:
Without the time I spent in New Zealand, I probably would have been a very different person. It was where I first learned English. It was where I learned that I was "Japanese". It was where I learned it was only mongoloid kids that had blue butts. And it was where I first went to school and made friends and "fell in love" with a Michael who lived nextdoor.
The past weekend, I met up with a friend from New Zealand whom I hadn't met in eighteen years.
The very first time I met her was at a uniform store. We were both with our parents, buying shirts and skirts and gym clothes, and had the same problem with the size: When you're growing, you don't want to buy anything that's too big but you want something that would still fit you after a year or two. As a result, you end up trying on T shirts that are too big. I pulled at the extra piece of cloth that hung under my arms.
In another fitting room, another girl was trying on the same shirt, pulling at the cloth that drooped over her thin arm. That was her. According to my mother (who remembers the incident more clearly), the little girl followed her around and asked where we were from. She was so intrigued to see these Asian people who looked different and spoke differently.
The next time we met was on the first day of school. Her seat happened to be across from mine. She was so ecstatic to see me that it almost scared me. I never thought she would be my best friend for the next two years.
When I think about her now, it's still the little girl with big ears and freckles wearing a sleevless check dress under the cloudy winter sky. We hadn't been in contact in years when we found each other on Facebook. Her father had died but she still had the portrait of the five-year-old me my dad had painted, which had ended up at her place for some reason.
When I saw her at the hotel lobby last weekend, I recognized her right away. She hadn't changed at all -- even the size of her head! Well, she'd gotten taller and she'd developed some really nice breasts but that was about it. She probably thought the same about me (except the breast part). I was more worried about what kind of person she'd grown up to be, but she hadn't really changed inside either. Maybe she had; maybe we just couldn't catch up enough to realize the change; maybe there were some moments we felt distant, but she laughed the same way. And she remembered what I remembered. In a world where almost everything keeps changing, it's nice to find that certain things stay the same.
Without the time I spent in New Zealand, I probably would have been a very different person. It was where I first learned English. It was where I learned that I was "Japanese". It was where I learned it was only mongoloid kids that had blue butts. And it was where I first went to school and made friends and "fell in love" with a Michael who lived nextdoor.
The past weekend, I met up with a friend from New Zealand whom I hadn't met in eighteen years.
The very first time I met her was at a uniform store. We were both with our parents, buying shirts and skirts and gym clothes, and had the same problem with the size: When you're growing, you don't want to buy anything that's too big but you want something that would still fit you after a year or two. As a result, you end up trying on T shirts that are too big. I pulled at the extra piece of cloth that hung under my arms.
In another fitting room, another girl was trying on the same shirt, pulling at the cloth that drooped over her thin arm. That was her. According to my mother (who remembers the incident more clearly), the little girl followed her around and asked where we were from. She was so intrigued to see these Asian people who looked different and spoke differently.
The next time we met was on the first day of school. Her seat happened to be across from mine. She was so ecstatic to see me that it almost scared me. I never thought she would be my best friend for the next two years.
When I think about her now, it's still the little girl with big ears and freckles wearing a sleevless check dress under the cloudy winter sky. We hadn't been in contact in years when we found each other on Facebook. Her father had died but she still had the portrait of the five-year-old me my dad had painted, which had ended up at her place for some reason.
When I saw her at the hotel lobby last weekend, I recognized her right away. She hadn't changed at all -- even the size of her head! Well, she'd gotten taller and she'd developed some really nice breasts but that was about it. She probably thought the same about me (except the breast part). I was more worried about what kind of person she'd grown up to be, but she hadn't really changed inside either. Maybe she had; maybe we just couldn't catch up enough to realize the change; maybe there were some moments we felt distant, but she laughed the same way. And she remembered what I remembered. In a world where almost everything keeps changing, it's nice to find that certain things stay the same.
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