update

I've been away for a long time so I don't know if there is anyone still reading this blog, but in case anyone's wondering, I wanted to let you know that I've graduated med school and have become a doctor.  I've started working at a hospital in Tokyo, and it's been a great experience.

I haven't been writing at all these days; I actually don't feel the urge anymore.  Whether that is a good thing or a bad thing, I don't know...  I still feel like some day I might come back with stories I want to share, but for now, I'm busy living each day, getting used to being a doctor, and finding out what life actually is!  Now that I'm finally working and interacting with people, all the things I read in books and all the thoughts I used to have seem to fade in color.

I think my sense of value has changed a bit.  I used to wonder what it would feel like to actually become a doctor and work day and night.  I used to worry about becoming one of those "disposable" doctors -- that if I quit, someone else would replace me easily.  It's true, especially since I'm still a useless resident.  But it doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would.  In short, I think I've finally accepted the obvious fact that I'm not special.  If I meet a patient though, if I meet someone I can relate to, someone I can help, that encounter IS special, and nothing can replace that one encounter.

When you're really sick, you can't really focus on anything.  When you have a strained back, all you can think of is the pain in your back; if you have a painful hemmoroid, your butt hole becomes the center of your world; you forget about your favorite book, how to appreciate your favorite painting, your favorite piece of music, and you can't focus on all the things that make you you.  But being a (good) doctor would enable me to bring you back to being a human, to being yourself again, and I think that's a huge honor.  I'd always dreamed of writing someone's favorite book, but I feel like it doesn't really matter anymore.  For now, I'm really happy with what I have.