iron will

"That's not your duty.  That's your ambition."

Tonight, I watched The Iron Lady, the movie about Margaret Thatcher.  I thought its main focus would be on what she accomplished as a prime minister but it was more about her as also a mother and a wife -- a normal fragile human being with regrets and fears and pain.

The film surely tells us that her priority had always been public service.  She always knew what the nation needed, and she had strong faith in what she was doing.  No critisizm wavered her courage.  She was always correct and brave and just perfect.  Regret and fear seemed like the last thing she would feel.  But as she suffers dementia and has conversations with her dead husband in her hallucinations, she feels the weight of the sacrifices she had made in order to pursue her career, and also remembers the pain she had to go through when resigning.

Earlier this evening, I had a call from a friend and during the conversation she told me what she felt about med students in general -- they had too much pride and were too cold and superficial.  She had a problem with a certain guy in particular who tried to look good in front of everyone.  I don't know him in person, but from what I heard from her, it seemed like he didn't have his own mind.  He lacked confidence.  He reminded me that not knowing what is truly important to you really makes your life complicated and painful.

Thatcher never lacked confidence.  She knew what was important to her, to her nation and the people.  She acted faithfully to her own principles and still, she faced (at least in the movie) the pain caused by her own choices.  After all, being a prime minister was not her duty; it was her ambition.  And as satisfied as she was while being in the position, she wonders what all the painful decision-making had been for when she nears the end of her life.  All her past accomplishments seemed to fade away before her current regret towards her family (or husband in particular).

The Iron Lady reminded me of another movie about another female political leader -- The Lady (about Aung San Suu Kyi), and I think both women share the same kind of regrets resulting from their iron will.  Correct decisions so often seem almost like a mistake in hindsight.

So life is painful either way -- with or without confidence and convictions.  If one is destined to regret, probably anyone would rather regret a decision made according to his own principles.  But if that means sacrificing the people he loves, perhaps not everyone can be as strong as the two women.

mistakes done

"What do you really want?"

After two days of sewing blood vessels together under the microscope, I didn't feel like doing anything today so I watched a movie: The Words.  My father had told me I would like it, and he was right.

The story is like looking at someone in the mirror looking at someone in the mirror looking at someone in the mirror; it's about a writer (Clay) delivering a story about a writer (Rory) who stole a story from another writer (the old man).

When he is still young, the old man loses his daughter to illness, and the relationship between him and his wife starts to fall apart.  He endures the lifetime pain by writing about it.  He gives the writing to his wife to read but she ends up losing it.  The old man loved the words he had written so much he had to end the relationship with his wife, the very person who had inspired him to write in the first place.  He sees her once again years later with another man and their child and that's the end of his story until many more years later when he finds his words published under the name of another young man.

Rory, when he finds the story in an antique briefcase he had bought in Paris, is suddenly terrified that he will never become what he wants to be.  The story hits him with such great power that he is forced to accept his limitations.  After he meets the old man (the old man had followed him to tell him "the truth"), he wants to take his name off the book and "put everything right", but is told to live with the choice he has made.  He stole a part of the old man's life; now he has to live with the pain, even if that destroys his most precious things.  "We all make our choices.  The hard part is living with them."

The ending suggests that Clay is Rory, but we never know.  The movie ends almost abruptly with a female student (who Clay has invited over to his place) asking Clay what he really wants (when he tells her to leave soon after they start making out).  I don't think it was only me who felt like being thrown into a deep well.

The theme is sort of the same as Crime and Punishment, but I could relate so much more to this story.  Mistakes sometimes sting so badly.  But you can't always make the right decision.  Life comes with life changing mistakes you can't undo.  Maybe the only thing that can make us feel better is that we're not alone.  We all live with a bit of dark shadow in our hearts.

queer as folk

After being recommended by a friend many years ago, I finally watched it.  Well, not the whole thing but I got the overall story and I enjoyed it.

For one thing, it was impressive to see how someone could be so loving without making any commitments.  It made me think what it actually meant to love someone.  Was it not about how much you're willing to compromise for him?  How much you're willing to change?

Justin says he and Brian are not getting married because that way, they can be together because they want to and not because they have to.  To them, changing for the other person is sacrifice and not love.  But Brian, in fact, changes slowly but distinctly every time he loses Justin, and it's pretty ironic that when Brian is finally ready to give what Justin wants, Justin has learned to accept Brian for who he is and finds it uncomfortable to realize that the new Brian is not the Brian he knows.

In one of the last scenes, if I remember correctly, Justin tries to reassure Brian that they will see each other often even when he moves away, but Brian stops him and says: "You don't know.  Neither do I"  I really liked the scene because the line was so 'Brian' and Justin seemed to be truly content with it.  Justin never had to forgive Brian because Brian never promised anything.  And it was always going to be that way -- "No excuses, no apologies, no regrets."

Later though, I had a different opinion about their "non-conventional relationship".  As Brian says, you never know about the future.  Everything changes, everyone changes, and it's scary to make commitments; it's sometimes frightening to trust.  But in the end, I think that's why you make promises -- to fight through, to try to stick to what you believe in, and to prove there are things that never change even when everything else -- including yourself -- changes.

If you haven't seen the series, I recommend it!  You can watch it on youtube.

compiling a boat

船を編む

言葉の海は果てしなく広い
辞書とはその大海に浮かぶ一艘の船
人は辞書という船で海を渡り、自分の気持ちを的確に表す言葉を探します
それは唯一の言葉を見つける奇跡
誰かとつながりたくて広大な海を渡ろうとする人にささげる辞書
それが大渡海です
The sea of words is infinitely large.
A dictionary is a single boat that floats in that big ocean.
People cross it with a boat called dictionary, and search for the precise word that expresses their feelings -- a miracle of finding the only word.
A dictionary for those who try to cross the big ocean in hopes of connecting with someone.  That is Daitokai (dai=big, to=cross, kai=sea/ocean)

「ほかの人気持ちがわからないなんて当たり前じゃないか。わかんないからその人に興味を持つんだろ。わかんないから話をするんだろ。辞書作りってのは言葉を使う仕事だろ。だったらその言葉使わなきゃ。もう頑張ってしゃべんなきゃ。若いうちに一生の仕事見つけて、それだけでみっちゃん幸せなんだから、あとはずーっと行くだけだよ。できるよ、みっちゃんなら」
"It's only natural that you don't understand what others feel.  Isn't that why someone interests you?  Isn't that why you talk to someone?  Dictionary editing is a work on words, right?  Then use them.  Talk.  You found a lifetime job while you were young.  You're lucky already.  Now you just have to go all the way.  You can do it."

言葉は生まれ、死んでいくものもある。生きている間に変わるものもある。言葉の意味を知りたいとは、誰かの考えや気持ちを正確に知りたいということ。それは人とつながりたいという願望。

the family stone

I liked the last scene where the framed photo of Sybil appears behind the Christmas tree.  She has already passed away, but in the picture, she has Amy in her stomach.  And when you look at it closely, the cover glass reflects the figure of Amy kissing her boyfriend.  It exactly overlaps Sybil's stomach where Amy was, and I thought it was a very nice ending.

Another thing that sort of stuck in my mind was what Meredith said during dinner.  I think she has a point when she says she doesn't think anyone wishes for their children to be gay.  I don't think gay people are "challenged", but as she says, life is already hard enough as it is and most people wouldn't want to make it anymore difficult for their child.

On a side note, there are lots of transgendered TV personalities in Japan and they always look cheerful, but I sometimes imagine the pain behind their smile.  Of course it's not only them; everyone has something.  And we get used to it.  But when I see their passion towards life, I sort of think the suffering they've gone through is at the root of it.

silenced

Togani

"We didn't fight to change the world.  We fought not to be changed by the world."

A story of accusation against school teachers who sexually abused children with auditory difficulties.  Based on a true story.

If everything was true, Korean judiciary is rotten to the core.  Everyone, even the prosecutor became an accomplice in the end - money and promotion all smothered up the truth.  We do need money to protect our own family, we can't always live for justice, but there are certain things you can't pretend you didn't see.  I couldn't believe anyone on earth could be so nasty and rotten.  If the judiciary was bribed, who protects the rights of the people?

A fair judiciary without corruption is one of the most important elements of a civilized country.  If Korea is not yet quite an "advanced country", their judiciary system is definitely one reason.  If I were ever caught up in a crime, I hope it wouldn't be while visiting Korea.

Update: Apparently, the film turned out to be a great hit and eventually led to revisions and enactments of the law to protect disabled people and women.  The teachers were sentenced to 12 years in prison and the school was closed.

intouchables

"Doesn't it make you feel bad to have to be supported?"

This is what Phillipe, paralyzed below the neck asks Driss who is in need of unemployment insurance.  Phillipe has more than enough money to help Driss, Driss has a strong body to help Phillipe.  The two become great buddies.

The story was American-ish but the seasoning was French, if that makes sense.  Maybe the taste of music was what made it distinctly "French" - smart and sophisticated with a tinge of sadness.

But Driss's vulgarity was pretty funny - his lines that wouldn't have been that bad in English sounded really vulgar in French for some reason.  In one of the less vulgar scenes where Phillipe asks Driss to give him a chocolate, Driss says no. "These are for ordinary people.  Disabled people can't have this."  He says it's just a joke when Phillipe stares back at him.  He jokes around some more before finally giving Phillipe the chocolate.  It was nasty; I wouldn't have laughed if it hadn't been for the conversation that sort of led to the joke, but Phillipe likes Driss. "He doesn't feel sorry for me. He always forgets I'm paralyzed.  Like when he tries to hand me the phone."  When Driss says he would die if he were ever paralyzed below the neck, Phillipe simply replies that it's pretty difficult for people like him to even die.

When Mr. Ototake, a limbless school teacher was once asked about "leg-chopping" (in Japan, each university has its own entrance exam but you're required to take the center exam (which is sort of like the SAT) and score more than a certain level to be qualified to take exams for top universities.  We say you're "leg-chopped" when a university doesn't accept your application because your center exam score isn't enough), he laughed and said, "Well, I was born leg-chopped in the first place."  Many parents with disabled children criticized this joke.  Mr. Ototake said comedians joked about their weight, their baldness, their pimpled faces.  Why couldn't he joke about his nonexistent leg?  "Why is it a taboo?  The fact that people consider it a taboo - that is what you call discrimination."

There are things in life you just shouldn't joke about.  Anyone has wounds they don't want other people to touch.  But maybe it's sometimes the worst when we feel too sorry for someone, or find him/his situation too "untouchable" that we can't even laugh when he himself is making a joke about it.

blood diamond

"In America, it's bling-bling, but out here, it's bling-bang, huh?"

A great film with a big message.  And not preachy at all.

It was heartwrenching when Archer, injured, took out the diamond from his pocket and looked at it before giving it back to Solomon.  It was just a stone.  It was so small.  He laughs as he realizes what it had cost him.  I felt sorry that he had to give up when he was so close - he had gone through so much; the wear was evident in his lines - but at the same time, I thought it was kind of absurd that a mere stone could even be a ticket out of Africa.  It was absurd how obssessed people were.  But who exactly is obssessed?  For them, it was just the money (or weapons) the stone brought to them.  Who pays so much for the "bling bling"?

Of course not all diamonds are blood-drenched; they say conflict stones account for only 15% of the market, but how do we know the diamonds we buy are conflict-free? Maybe there is a way to know for sure.

Relating to exploitation, a friend at school was wondering why black people had historically been exploited by white people and not the other way around.  Genetically speaking, black people are apparently better than white people.  The answer I came up with was that maybe white people worked harder, or more precisely, was forced to do so.  The Africans just laid back in the sun and grabbed a fruit that was just there waiting to be eaten while the Europeans thought of ways not to starve during winter.  They went out on expeditions to find better land.  "Then why do you think the Indians are smart?  What was their motivation?"

I'm going to have to look this up!

the reader

"...Have you spent a lot of time thinking about the past?"
"You mean with you?"
"No, I didn't mean with me."
"Before the trial I never thought about the past.  I never had to."
"Now.  What do you feel now?"
"It doesn't matter what I feel.  It doesn't matter what I think.  The dead are still dead."
"I wasn't sure what you'd learned."
"Well, I have learned, kid.  I've learned to read."


It's actually a pretty heavy combination when you look at each element of the story: a dark secret, the holocaust, a forbidden affair, and an inevitable suicide.  The gloomy air of German landscape blends well with the haunting shadows found in the characters.  I read the English translation of the novel a couple of years ago.  After watching the movie, I still think it's one of the saddest stories I've ever known, yet one of my favorites.

The holocaust is too much of a cruel historical episode to be "used" to describe something, but I felt it was almost like a prop used to depict the complexity of human nature.  I think I felt a bit differently when I read the novel.  The impression I got was maybe a bit more holocaust centered; it had a stronger color of atonement - something that was to be passed on from generation to generation.  And overall, it was a story that offered an explanation (rather than an excuse) of how ordinary people were able to do extraordinarily dreadful things.

In the film, however, the theme of shame/humiliation and moral sense, and maybe dignity stood out more.  It reflected the emotions that lies within us all, and the character of Hanna (or Kate Winslet's performance) grasped my heart.  No one could justfy what she did.  And yet I was moved with sympathy, perhaps because her secret she found so shameful explained it all.

If Michael had revealed the fact that she was illiterate, that would've saved her from a life sentence but would've destroyed her dignity.  And he couldn't do that to a woman who had taken his innocence and in turn had given him the most passionate summer in his life.  I wonder how much his life would've changed if that memory had stayed as a memory - Hanna always being the capricious thirty year old who took him in her arms.

The part where Michael sends tapes to the imprisoned Hanna is just... overwhelming. But there's also something hopeless about the "reading", and it's not at all a simple heart-lifting moment when Hanna, with the tapes and a book, finally learns to read her first word.  It's even almost heartbreaking when Michael recieves a handwritten letter from her.

Had there been a way for Hanna to be forgiven?  To me, it seemed like she was looking for some kind of chance to be saved when she met Michael at the canteen - as if she expected that he would not define her by her mistake.  It looked like she still had things to say when he left her, except that she didn't know what or how to say it.  She almost looked like a child at loss, abandoned by her father.

In the end, I guess it's sometimes the smallest things like a single secret or a summer's first love that become the biggest things in our life.

On a side note, the Japanese title of this film/novel is 愛を読む人 which literally means "the person who reads love".  It sounds kind of sentimental in English, but I like the depth it has in Japanese.

american beauty

I'd always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second is not a second at all.  It stretches on forever like an ocean of time.

For me, it was lying on my back at boyscout camp watching falling stars.
And yellow leaves from the maple trees that lined our street.
Or my grandmother's hands and the way her skin seemed like paper.
And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird.
And Janie.  And Janie.
And Carolyn.

I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me.  But it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once and it's too much my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax and stop trying to hold on to it.  And then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.

You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure.  But don't worry.  You will someday.



"This is a $4,000 sofa, upholstered in Italian silk. This is not just a couch."
"It's just a couch. This isn't life; this is just stuff. And it's become more important to you than living."

Each character is odd in his/her own way, but they all seemed pretty realistic and human.  I often times think things get a bit too sentimental when people start talking about "beauty" but it wasn't bad at all.  Though I didn't know exactly what to think about the plastic bag to be honest...

Also, that Jane - I understand she needed more attention, but I thought she sort of deserved it when her mother hit her.  There were times back when children respected (or at least bothered to pretend they respected) their parents no matter how selfish they were.  I don't know which is better; Ricky and his father had their own problems.  But Jane's typical teenager attitude made me think.  Maybe because I was a bit like her.  Or perhaps because this conversation sounded so familiar:

"Mom, do we always have to listen to this elevator music?"
"No. No, we don't.  As soon as you've prepared a nutritious yet savory meal that I'm about to eat, you can listen to whatever you like."

to my sons

Last night, I saw a TV show about an old woman dying of cancer (I forget her name so let's just call her Machiko) and her two sons, Takashi and Taku.

When she finds out that she only has a couple of months left, she decides to escape from the hospital to search for Taku, her younger son who has been MIA after not being able to pay off his debt.  Takashi, the older son who has been taking care of her, has always felt that his mother liked Taku better, and is slightly emotional about the fact that it is going to be that way until the end.

When they finally find Taku, Machiko says she wants to go on a trip to Matsushima where they visited with their father (her husband) before he died young in an accident.  But the trip is actually for Taku -- so he wouldn't have to suffer and regret about not having done anything for his mother before she dies.

On the way to Matsushima, they end up picking up a random girl who Taku decides to marry later on during the trip, and Machiko insists that they should also drop by Takashi's wife's home where she is staying with her son - she had asked for divorce.

The whole story and the conversations were pretty cheesy until the very end when Takashi gets a text after his mother's death.  He's shocked to see that it's from his mother:

Dear Takashi,

By the time you read this, I am not there anymore.

This world filled with hope and warmth may be harsh at times.  But please remember to appreciate every small encounter in your life.  Your "now" is supported by many many people that you encounter every day.

As you know, Taku has always had a lot of troubles.  I know you felt lonely because I was always busy taking care of him.  So this last message is only for you - my first special treat for you （あなたへの最初のえこひいきです）.

I'm proud to have had two amazing sons.

Your mother

I admit I'm a sucker for epilogues like this and letters from dead people.  It's so sad and heartwarming at the same time.  I stopped what I was doing and just cried with Takashi.  He now finds that his mother is calling - Machiko had given her cell phone to her daughter in law on the way to Matsushima.  Takashi's wife comes to see him and he realizes that the the trip was not only for Taku but also for him.  She had wanted to go to Matsushima, but more than that, she had wanted to give Takashi and his wife a chance to reconcile.

I realize I wrote a lot during my break.  It was fun and a great stress relief, but school is starting tomorrow.  I don't know how frequently I would be able to write.  I'll miss writing!

the social network

About how Facebook was created and how it expanded.  The tragic drama behind glory.  Well, not really.  It was one of those coming of age stories.  Except that these Harvard kids had achieved something people never do in a lifetime.  It's always interesting to watch American college students in movies because their lifestyle makes Japanese college students seem so innocent.  I found it really funny that Eduardo had to keep a chicken around him for a week to get into one of the "clubs" - something that does not exist in Japanese top universities.

I didn't think Zuckerberg was such a unique character as I had read earlier on a review.  He was just a lonely young man who hid his loneliness with an ambition and a cold/aggressive attitude.  He was somewhat rude or even brutal to his only friend, but maybe he was too young.

Regarding Facebook itself...  I use it once in a while, my name is definitely there (I was actually the only one with my name before this movie came out and a whole lot of Japanese people started using this networking service); it's useful in that you always have a way to contact a long lost friend, but that's the only attractive feature.  I don't necessarily think transparency between friends make a better friendship.

Sharing information may make the world a better place, but when it comes to sharing your own life, I think there is a certain appropriate timing.  People never think about friends who just lost their job when they post how happy they are about their new job.  They never think about friends who have just ended their relationship when they post happy wedding pictures.  Rather, as many people point out, it's almost like there's a competition going on - who is the happiest?

If Facebook is just stirring competition, I think it's a pretty sad phenomenon.  It might've been inevitable though - after all, it was made by people who love competition.

a chronicle of my mother

わが母の記

Even if you forget everything, love will still remain

I have to watch this again.  My mind wasn't in it when I started watching it - part of the reason I couldn't quite picture the family tree which was essential in understanding the film.  Nonetheless, I cried towards the end.  One of those movies worth watching twice.

It depicts the love between a writer (井上靖 Yasushi Inoue） and his mother: Inoue is left at a relative's place as a child.  Fast forward fifty years, he has become a successful writer, and his mother has started to lose her memory.  Inoue has always had hard feelings towards his mother, but his attitude starts to change when he realizes she no longer recognizes him and has even forgotten how she "deserted" him.  "If she doesn't remember, what's the point in holding grudge against her?"  He decides to take care of her at his place and writes about her in his novel (which this film is based on).  His daughters also take great care of their senile grandmother.

After a couple of years, when Inoue sits across his mother, she tells him that she has a story to tell (as usual).  This time, it's about a woman who took her son away.  "She wouldn't tell me where my son is."
Inoue asks, "But you left him, didn't you?"
His mother looks away and looks out at the garden.  "It has stopped raining.  The puddle at the playground.  ... ... ...the Pacific Ocean, the Atlantic Ocean, the Sea of Japan.  But my favorite is the channel - the channel in the middle of nowhere, the channel I cross with Mom.  The channel I cross with Mom.  The channel..."
It was a poem Inoue had written when he was a child.  He starts crying in spite of himself.

Towards the end, all family members panic when they realize their Grandma has disappeared - she had gone out on a journey to find her son.  When the grand-daughter finally finds her, she calls Inoue that Grandma is heading for the seaside where she left her son.  Inoue decides to wait for his mother at the sea.  It was sad and heartwarming at the same time how he decided to be there so that it would sort of fit the world in his mother's head.

As I watched the grandma lose more and more of her memory, it seemed to me like she became more and more innocent.  That was what made her endearing, and it really reminded me that becoming senile meant going back to being a child.  I hoped my own grandma would be as charming as her if she ever lost all her memory.  But then, I thought maybe the grandma in the film was endearing because Inoue wrote about her with a lot of love.

There's a scene towards the end where Inoue's wife tells him why his mother had left him at the relative's place.  Inoue asks why she didn't tell him sooner.  His wife says, "You wouldn't listen.  It's only after your mother became senile that you changed your attitude.  You had a grudge against her.  Why should I try to do something about it when that was what made you write all the amazing stories you wrote?"  Inoue's daughter says the same thing earlier: a canary that forgot its grudge cannot sing.

But then again, I thought he may have written one of his best works when he lost or rather let go of that drive.  Maybe the process of facing his wound and forgiving was what made this chronicle powerful yet delicate and calm.

the great debaters

1930's America: black people are discriminated and linched. Four students at Wiley College decide to participate in the debate team. They go through difficulties such as losing a member and witnessing a linch scene while traveling - the shock breaks their heart; debating suddenly seems useless. But a letter finally invites them to Harvard.

"If today is not the day, when is it? Tomorrow? Next week? Or never? If there is a time for equality, it is always, always now."

"What did the nigger do (to be linched)? Was he a thief? Was he a murderer? Or was he just a nigger? Was he a priest? Was he a farmer? Did he have children waiting for him to come back? He was linched and the law did nothing. It just left us wondering why. An unjust law is not a law. We have the right and duty to resist, either by violence or by disobedience. You should pray that we choose the latter."

space brothers

宇宙兄弟



2006: Two little brothers promise each other they'll become astronauts when they grow up. 2025: The younger brother becomes the first Japanese man to land on the moon, while the older brother gets fired at his company. The younger brother tries to persuade his brother to come to space with him, and eventually, the older brother goes through the JAXA exam while the younger one goes to the moon.  Predictable but still enjoyable.

「僕は１９年間、むっちゃんが一緒に宇宙に来てくれるのを待っていましたが、待ちくたびれて死んでしまったようです。宇宙で待ってるので、早く会いに来てください 」
"I'd been waiting for you to come to space with me for 19 years but it seems like I waited too long that I died. I'm waiting for you in space so please come to see me soon"

dream-selling couple

夢売るふたり 

A couple loses their restaurant in fire. The husband feels rotten and ends up sleeping with a woman who decides to give him a wad of bills. When the wife realizes what her husband had done, she plans to make money to start a new restaurant by making her husband decieve rich women. The more money they earn, the more distance their hearts suffer - their distance grows until they realize it's too late. Not exactly boring but a bit too abstract for me. Got lost towards the end.

「お前の足りんは金の足りんやなくて、腹いせの足りんたい。お前は俺に尽くしてきたけん、何の苦労もなしに甘い上澄みだけペロッと舐める女も、その女の股に頭突っ込んどる俺のことも許せんたい 」
"When you say it's not enough, is it really about money? Isn't it about revenge? I know, you've devoted your whole life to me. You hate all the chicks who just pays to take the good part. And you hate me for burying my head between their legs"

「私はあの人の人生に乗っかってるだけだから。自分の足で立たんと人生、卑怯なことになる 」
"I just jumped on to his life. Your life becomes dirty when you don't stand on your own feet"

I think the whole story boils down to this phrase.  To stand on one's own feet.  Now that I think about it, the wife, Satoko, was nothing but a wife.  After their restaurant burned down, she decided to work at a random  ramen shop.  Her husband - the cook - on the other hand, had decided to work at a pretty good restaurant but was fired because he had his own policy in the kitchen and couldn't bend it.

The husband's dream had become Satoko's dream and it was nice while everything was going well, but when they lost their restaurant and faced failure, the relationship began to fall apart, not only because of the husband's affair but because Satoko had just "jumped onto" the husband's life.  She had devoted hers to support him and his dream.  She might've called it love at one point, but it turned into an ugly obsession once the husband broke her heart.  She wanted to get off the train but thought it was too late; she had devoted too much.  She no longer knew how to stand on her own feet, until the end of the story when she had no choice but to do so.

departures

I told my mom about how I felt when anatomy was finally over and we put the corpse in the coffin - some of the other groups had special coffins prepared by the family but ours was a plain box prepared by the school which was a bit too small for our grandpa, and that made me sad etc. etc.  She told me I had to see this movie now and sent it to me the other day.

It's a Japanese film about a cellist who ends up working as a "noukanshi" - a person who helps the dead prepare for their departure.  They're in charge of a ritual in which they wipe the corpse, dress them in nice kimonos and put them in a coffin - all done in front of the family during the funeral.

While the protagonist starts to like his job after the initial shock, everyone around him thinks it's a disgusting job.  They, however, eventually change their mind when they face the death of their loved ones.  The protagonist comes over for the funeral, and as they see him help the dead prepare for their final departure - with all the make up and dressing up - they start to have a new feeling about the job, and probably about death itself.

This incident reminded me of a specific incident during anatomy.  When I first found myself being scared and shocked to see the corpse, I told myself that it was someone's husband/dad/granddad instead of just a creepy dead body, and that really helped me calm down.

I guess we usually think of death as something unpleasant and creepy - something that has little to do with this side of the world we live in, but when someone close dies, we realize the obvious - that everyone dies in the end.

Some people might say the whole ritual is a waste of money and time since the dead is, after all, dead, but I got the impression that it was for the people left behind.  They probably find the time and chance to say their final goodbyes when they see the dead prepare for their departure.

In case anyone's interested, the original title "Okuri-bito" means "a person(=bito=hito)" who "sends / says goodbye(=okuru)".

オーケストラのチェロ奏者としての職を失った主人公が納棺師になる話。解剖実習後の納棺で思ったことを母に話したところ、「おくりびと」を見るべきだといって送ってくれた。

生理学のレポートをわきに置いてやっと見終わらせた。

ホルマリン漬けにされたご遺体との初対面の時はぞっとした。だから、初仕事で主人公が思わず吐き散らすシーンも、その後、銭湯で神経質に体を洗うシーンも、夕飯時に生の鶏肉を見て再び吐くのも、なんとなくリアルだった。私たちは、解剖実習初日の夕飯でさえがっつりハンバーグを食べに行ったけれど、さすがに生肉は見たくないよね、と話しながら食べたのを思い出した。

そしてもう一つ思い出したのは、実習初日、ご遺体を見て、つい気味が悪い、怖いと思ってしまったときに、目の前のご遺体が、自分が知らない誰かの父親、あるいは祖父、あるいは夫であったことを思うことで、何となく安心できたこと。

映画の中で、当初、納棺師という職業に対して、主人公の妻や友人をはじめ、多くの人が偏見を抱いている。でも、銭湯のおばあちゃん（友人の母親で、主人公の妻も会話を交わしたことがある人物）の死に際して、主人公が納棺の儀式を行うことを機に、友人も妻も、主人公を偏見の目で見なくなる。そもそも、主人公が、納棺という仕事への警戒心を解くきっかけになったのも、涙を流す家族の前で行われる納棺の儀式に立ち会った時だった。

つまりそういうことなのだ、と思った。

フツウ、私たちは、死を、死人を、私たちが生きる生の世界とは反対側にある「気味が悪いもの」であると認識しているけれど、自分に近い人間や、生前の姿を知る人物の死に接すると、いつもは他人事の「死」が自分が生きる日常の一部として見えてくるのだ。

いつかはこうして自分も死ぬ。死体になって、腐って、土にかえる。当たり前の生命のサイクルだけれど、悲しみとともに突きつけられて初めて少し理解できるのかもしれない、と思った。

ところで、故人を「おくる」という儀式、これは故人本人のため、というより、残された者のための儀式なのだな、と思った。父が亡くなった時には、自ら棺を選んで気持ちのいい布団に寝かせてやりたいと、一週間たった今でも思うけれど、結局のところ、それはもはや父にとっては、もしかしたらまったく意味のないことで、ただ送る側の私がそうしたい、というだけのことなのだ。

でも、それはとても重要なことで、残された者が、悔いのないお別れができるように納棺師がお手伝いするように、医師も旅立つ患者さんだけでなく、その家族へも当然配慮しなければならないのだ、と思った。だからこそ、１時間を超す心臓マッサージが必要なこともあるのだろう。（今日はBLSの授業で心臓マッサージの方法を学び、ご家族の意思によっては、無駄だとわかっていても心臓マッサージを続けなければならない場合があると聞いた。）

「おくりびと」は、死を描く作品にはありがちなラストで、最後は主人公夫婦が新たな生命を授かる一方で、主人公は自らの父親をおくる、という筋書きになっている。しかも、３０年ぶりの再会で、手に強く握られていた石を介して父親の最後の心境を知るという設定も手伝ってずいぶん感動的な仕上がりになっている。

ここでも強く意識させられるのは、死は生の反対ではなく、その一部なのだ、ということ。

たびたび映る、ハクチョウが湖から飛び立つシーンが印象的だった。将来、多くの人を見送ることになるかもしれないけれど、より多くの人たちが、あのハクチョウたちのように青空に向かって気持ちよく旅立てるようにお手伝いできればいいなと思った。